Met him for dinner last night

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Jun 11, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Sigh... I came away from dinner with difficult child last night feeling very depressed for him. He is really kind of stuck.... public transportation is poor where he lives. He really needs to get out of his current living situation. We offered to match what he could pay in rent and told him we did not want to set conditions on our help. I do not want to get into conditions of sobriety because they have never worked in the past.... and he just ends up trying to get around our rules anyway. He is not living at home so I just don't want to go there. What I realized is this means I am willing to help with rent but I am not willing to help with a car because I don't want it on my head if he gets a car and drives drunk. So we told him all that.

    He just seems so down and so stuck and he admits he has no one to blame but himself.

    He is not at all open right now to going into a sober living place or basically moving. He just feels he has moved a lot and he has done the sober living thing and just doesn't want to do that right now. I think it would be the best thing but it has to be his choice.

    Meanwhile he is working, keeping his job, saving most of his paycheck and trying to get an appointment with a doctor to get back on an antidepressant which I think he really needs. So he is trying to move forward but is stuck without transportation, his girlfriend broke up with him, a terrible living situation, and not a lot of good sober support.

    Ugh the whole thing got me really depressed. So I think we are going to really try and help him get an apartment. He needs a reasonable place to live. I hate to cosign but I think we are probably gong to have to do it. I really think he is likely to relapse even more if he stays where he is.

    And you know at 19 I would not have been able to figure this all out on my own!

    He really has made things so hard on himself. I feel really bad and sad for him.

    I heard a quote this morning that really applies and probably applies to a lot of our difficult children...."Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement".
  2. keista

    keista New Member

    Sounds like he is trying and does have himself focused. in my opinion this is an even bigger deal since he's living in a situation that could easily draw him to the dark side. I don't know anything about detachment with difficult children, but do know that cosigning on a rental is the least risky type of cosign - just make sure the lease is a year or less and you can pay til the end of the lease if he doesn't.

    If you decide to go forward on this, I would also make sure that he understands you cosigning doesn't mean he can bail on his portion of the rent. If he doesn't pay, and you have to, you can evict him and find someone to sublet.

    I don't know your past history, so only you and your husband can decide if he NEEDS to do it all on his own, or if he's matured and ready enough to be able to make it with a little bit of help.
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's probably the best. As I said earlier you should be prepared to be stuck with the lease and it sounds like you are, anything above that is good. I would want to help my difficult child too, as long as I saw her making some progress with her life. And it is a big benefit that he isn't living with you.

    I hope he gets a dr appointment soon and can start to move forward.

  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well at least he hasn't given up, which is a pretty big deal. And a good sign.

    I can relate to the transportation problems. We only have taxi's which are actually fairly cheap considering the price of gas. I warned katie about that though before she came here. So, it's walk or pay the taxi. husband and I are done with toting her around. Which is what I think she assumed would be the case when she came. Phht Not my fault she let the DMV con her into getting a state ID instead of a new license......if she'd have demanded to see the supervisor, she'd still have her license. But then she's not 19 either. At 31 she should know better.
  5. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    As others have said as long as you are able to pay the rent if he should reneg on his part go ahead. Maybe a leg up is just what he needs. Depression makes things so much harder on our difficult child's even when they are determined to change. -RM
  6. KFld

    KFld New Member

    You have to do what your gutt tells you is right. Maybe the chance is what he needs, but try to find a place with a short lease, maybe 6 months or less, so if he stops being able to pay the rent, you arent' stuck for the entire year.