Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by totoro, Mar 3, 2009.

  1. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am glad I have not let the ol' wall down concerning my Father. If that is what I can even call him.
    K went all manic on us, Friday before we left. Poor thing. At the airport she went *insane* under the chairs, throwing things. Would not let husband near her. I had to lay on the floor with her.
    We made it to my Dad's hours OK.
    He and his Wife did really well until Tuesday. He had a ton of stuff planned for the girls.
    K was a wreck, we had to change her medications. She was out of it Sunday and Monday, but she was trooper. They swam, played on the beach, had a treasure hunt, watched movies in his cinema. We ate a lot.

    Tuesday Golden Boy showed up, my Brother. I am realizing most of the problem is my Dad. Yes my Brother is an alcoholic, yes he most likely has Mental Illness and some type of Personality Disorder. But my Dad feeds it.
    Right from the get go it was drink, drink, drink.
    He stopped even noticing us.
    Just like my whole teen years.
    He stared talking down to me, treated husband poorly.
    They both treat women like dirt, so because my husband respects women, well you know.

    So that night, my Stepmom tried to show husband how to turn off my Dad's beloved TV system, something got messed up! She is not allowed to touch it. He never told us we could not touch it.
    As he got drunker and drunker he was ruder and ruder.
    He was rude to my Brothers fiance as well.
    He started talking very sexually as well. All of the women they slept with when they were dealing, transporting and living in Mexico.
    Just disgusting stuff.
    Talking bad about me, how many things they made me do when I was a teen.
    Finally my Dad starts in on me about this whole stereo thing. He keeps asking me are the girls going to watch a movie, I don't know?
    He gets irate! He screams at me, "I need to know because *everyone* is f'ing it up" I go and get the girls and rush them back to tour room and set them up on them computer.

    He proceeds to scream at me and talk down to me the rest of the night, threatening me, going on about how if someone is going to take his grandkids away, well f' them and he will fix things.
    He "has guns all over the house".
    "He can disapear" If people don't like the way he is, f' them!
    He then goes on and on about sex, how he will f' anyone, disgusting talk with my Brother.
    Screaming, I can't leave, because it will make him madder.
    He keeps threatening to no-one in particular, about how he has killed people. How he has had others try to take his grandkids away on his wives side and how they have fixed them.
    How if people don't like the rules he can take care of them.
    husband tried to say he was sorry for anything he may he have done and it was a misunderstanding, he turned on him and screamed, "stay out of this, it is none of your business"
    I tried to say something and he screamed at me to shutup.

    I was so so scared to do anything, he has guns all over, he was just like he was when I was growing up when he would threaten to kill us if we said anything.

    I finally was able to say goodnight I hugged him and he said, Sorry if I got a little loud!
    I said, Yeah...

    He then went out in the hot tub with my Brother and his fiance and they were naked, screamed all night. Right next to out room.
    Talked about sick thing... kept shining the flashlight in our rooms.

    The rest of the couple of days he spent showering my brother with how cool he is because he runs a resteraunt and he is a rebel and wild. Because he cheats on his fiance and she is sooo stupid and believes him when he says he just *spent* the night.
    The girls had to beg for attention.
    husband and I kept them busy swimming and at the beach.

    He apologized a bunch of times and said he is freaking out about money and moving and let himself get too drunk.

    I saw that he is still the same.

    I am just so sad for the girls.

    I knew this might be the case, I had just hoped he might truly want a relationship with those girls.

    I really do not know what to do.
    husband feels so bad for me.
    I did not let the wall down. But now it is so much thicker. I am going to distance myself slowly I think. I will never go down there again.
    He has already written asking if we made it home.
    I wrote back saying yes, everything is fine.
    I think I will stick to basic letters, I don't even want to waste my time getting into it.

    I just feel so fricken empty. Part of me just wishes he never came back. Not even a part, all of me. I wish he would go away.
    I felt that the minute he contact me 2 years ago.
    I hate my family I really do.
    Not my little little I have made. You guys are more family to me than...

    I am sorry this sooo long. I just needed to get this yuck out.
  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member


    I think it was very brave and very loving of you to open your heart to your father, after all the years of pain, and I am so sorry that things went that way.

    I think you were very wise not to let down your guard, and wiser still to build thicker walls. I think your Dad is a source of turmoil that neither you, your husband nor your precious girls need in their lives.

    Sending many loving and gentle thoughts your way Toto.
  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Wow, I'm sorry things have not really changed with him. Things seemed so promising when he came to visit you a few months ago. I guess in a way it allows you to truly close the door on any expectation you had of a "different" relationship with him. For the girls' sake and your own sanity, it's best to detach and accept that he will likely never change. Be happy that you did have a few days of "normalcy" (whatever that is) and stability with him when he was visiting you. You can perhaps tuck that away to remember another time. I think any of us with mentally ill parents always want to hold out for the hope that they will one day change. And I think eventually we are able to recognize the truth about them and hopefully let go of that "dream" in a healthy way so we can move on. I know I've done (or been trying to do) that with my own dad. My mom's good for helping remember and reaffirm that dad's crazy, always has been, and at this stage in his life, always will be.

    I'm sorry your dad hurt and disappointed you again.

    You are so lucky to have a husband who understands and loves you and his kids so much. You didn't marry your dad, and that's a huge thing to remember -- you are not repeating the cycle you were born into because you are taking decisive steps to ensure your kids don't end up like your dad. And you will never have to worry about losing your daughters like your dad has lost you. That's the one bright spot I remind myself of whenever I feel bad about my childhood and the crud I went through with my dad. I'm not repeating history and my kids will have a MUCH better relationship with me than I had with my dad.

    Many, many hugs, Toto. I'm glad you're back!
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Toto...I am so sorry that whole mess happened. It sounds awful for all of you. It is so heart-breaking when our parents let us down. Your father has let you down so many times. I am sorry he cant see that.

    Glad you are home. Hugs.
  5. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    His behavior is bone-chilling. I'd be terrified to be around him or to have the girls around him.

    I'm so sorry. This must be devastating for you.
  6. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Ah, Toto! I'm so sorry! I hate my family too. I think they gave you the wrong parents at the hospital.
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would have wanted to spew that out of me, too! Get it all out and then move on. You did it before you can do it again. You opened old wounds - they will heal again.

    He is not a nice man. No matter how he tries to play it when he is sober.

  8. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Your post was very sad. I'm sorry your trip wasn't what you hoped it would be.

  9. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Once again my board family brought me the tears that I think needed to come out. The tears for my girls.
    It is truly so nice that you guys understand. I hate that so many of you understand deep down to the core and to the heart.
    Hey! Look under the Totoro's back post- I posted some pictures! Just for you guys. I took them thinking of you guys.
    P.S. I tried to bring back the 2 in one of the photos but they wouldn't fit in my bags. :(
  10. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    He sounds like a dangerous man, I'm glad you are back! You are an amazing surviver of your earlier life. I hope he lets the relationship slow down and gives you the peace you deserve.
  11. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    sorry things went so wrong for you and your family. time for the rule of the 3 b's

    Be strong,
    Believe in your self.

  12. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Wow..... glad you made it out of there....... I think a long distance relationship might be the best too..... your girls don't need to see this and they must see a "real" man in your husband, he's a keeper!
  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I am so sad for you but so relieved yoare back safe. I wouldnot make any further visits.

    Many of us carry wounds from our childhood. Yours are more pronounced than many.

  14. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Toto...hugs. I'm so sorry the visit didn't go well. And I'm sorry you had to relive too many old hurts.

    Many, many hugs.
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful



    I'm so sorry. I think I would "fade away" if you get my drift? Let each letter take longer and longer to send while containing less and less information. And make excuses so that no visits happen.

    Well, I wouldn't do that. Actually........I'd tell him to kiss my arse and never speak to him again.

    I'm so sorry you and the girls had to go thru that. I guess there is family that is actually worse than mine afterall.

  16. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    totoro, there are bad people in this world. They may cover it up by being decent when sober or when you are in grave need but they are bad. Bad for you and bad for your kids.(not to mention your husband). You had no choice when you were a kid but you have choices now.

    Not knowing a family member will not scar your children but having a grandfather threaten to shoot or actually pull out a gun will scar them. No way should you or they be around him. Let him and his golden child knock each other out.

    This is the time to decide if you are good enough in your own mind to stand on your own feet and character. Tell yourself that you made it this far doing pretty well. You don't need the **** dad brings to the table. Be polite, be distant and disentangle your well being from his claims of parenthood. He isn't a parent but a drunken, mean sperm donor. There are a lot of them out there and you are fortunate that you have a family of your own that is good and healthy and functioning even with difficult child's.

    You don't need him and the kids don't need him. Walk away, smile, send a card during the holidays. Let him shoot someone else. Let him bully someone else. You can make a happier life if you choose to do it. Families come in all shapes and sizes with missing members. This is not a man you want to embrace.

    Hugs. Many of us have to come to terms with dysfunctional bully parents and then move on to make a life that is healthier for our own kids. You know what you don't want having seen dad in all his glory.
  17. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Toto, sometimes people just never change, even if they want to. Some believe that just because people are family we should put up with them, I do not. My brother and father are difficult child's, but not as narly as yours. I have not spoken to them in about 4 years, and don't plan to. I really don't miss them, and I have never kept my father away from my children but he does not want to talk to me so he does not see them. My kids are ok, they are not suffering from lack of a grandfather and Uncle. There are toxic people in the world, and sometimes we are related to them.

    Hugs, and so sorry it ended so badly. I did go look at your pics and they were awesome. Remember the good parts, and focus on those. You deserve a lot of credit for breaking the cycle and not marrying someone like your father. That is the best thing you ever did for your girls, was show them that women deserve respect and to be treated well.
  18. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Oh Totoro, your post brought me chills. I am so very sorry.

    scoop up those babies and give them a million kisses. And save a few for yourself.
  19. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Thanks ladies
    I had no contact with him for most of my life, it was pretty easy.
    It will be easy to do it again. I will do it slowly, I will likely do it slowly for the girls. They do not know anything bad happened, I would like to shield them from this.
    K has enough horror in her little mind with out him adding to it.
    I would like to keep it as peaceful as possible to try to avoid any battles.

    As you have all read who knows what he is capable of?
    I know this sounds stupid on part, but I believe he *wants* to be a good person, but he like a lot of us with Mental Illness lose control at times.

    He loses control, he has not come to terms with his illness or his addictions. He has psychotic rages. For all of these reasons, even if he, in his heart of hearts wants to be a good person, I just do not trust him.
    But one of the things that I hate about him and will never accept is his ability to kill and hurt people and his ability to cheat innocent people with no remorse.

    Fran I love the sperm donor term! He is barely that!!!
    I am honestly OK with it all.

    The things that come out of peoples mouths and minds still for some reason shock me. I think the fact that my children are here now.
    Knowing that things like this have happened to a lot of you and that so many people exist like this in the world is what really shocks me the most.
  20. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Sorry sweetie, I'm going to have to disagree. He is not trying to be a good person. Ok, maybe first thing in the morning before his feet hit the ground. You don't cheat, hurt, bully and kill things even though you are a good person. The devil didn't make him do it. He made a choice.
    You are a good person and you keep trying to make it better. He is doing nothing for himself or those around him.