Might have been a tad too blunt

[JJJ]

Kanga's latest therapist called to set up a family therapy session. Since Kanga is less than 15 months away from 18 and has ZERO chance of returning home, I did express that I thought it was 'not an effective use of time' to have family therapy but that we would make ourselves available per the requirements of her grant. I felt really bad but I think she needs to help Kanga deal with the fact that she cannot repair the damage that she did to this family, that we have no desire to reunify and 'relationship building' will be an exercise in frustration for all of us.

Looking at our lives, all 4 of the kids have hit me at one time or another. All (except Piglet) have put holes in the walls, been defiant, etc. But I would still jump through fire for them. I think the biggest thing is that I do not believe that Kanga truly has any desire to be a member of our family. And I do not think she has any remorse for hurting us (remorse that she got consequences, but not remorse for the pain she caused). Both boys (a) have outgrown most of those behaviors (b) sob horribly afterwards and try everything to make it better.

therapist is sending me some info on relationships when one person has a personality disorder. I'll read it cause I'm an information junky, but I still think it comes down to Kanga making the decision to respect our rights to live a violence-free life.

 

[AnnieO]

Nope, think that was great!!!

 

[DDD]

Sounds like a logical conversation to have. No reason to play games and let time pass. Hugs DDD

 

[TeDo]

It doesn't sound too blunt to me. You were simply being honest about the whole thing. You said what you needed to because that is the reality of where Kanga has put you. You politely told the therapist your feelings about the situation. I think you did the right thing given all you have endured thus far. Good for you!!!

 

[slsh]

Nope, not too blunt. You know, it's really not even about the damage done to the family relationships (though heaven knows there's tons of that). I found that family therapy was more of one big excuse for thank you - "Well, if Mom did/didn't do ABC" or "If Dad did/didn't do XYZ" - who needs that junk, especially with- 18 looming? thank you was about Kanga's age when I did the same thing. It's just so not about the family anymore - it's about the kid and him/her getting a grip and participating in their own darn lives without using the family as an excuse for every little thing. I just couldn't have cared less that he thought I was always yelling at him and mad (can we talk about lousy ability to interpret social cues, even to this day?) or that Dad was "disappointed" in him... that horse had been beaten to death in the prior 12 years of family therapy. Enough already. Therapy needs to, in my humble opinion, address her skills, her behaviors, her choices, and her consequences, completely separate from the family unit, because she's still engaging in completely inappropriate choices now, what, 3 years (?) away from the family.

Not blunt, or in any way unreasonable, in my humble opinion.

 

[DammitJanet]

JJJ...I dont think you were too blunt. Her disorder's have caused her to be unable to function in any sort of family unit. It does make me sad for her and I really do hope that she will one day wake up and decide to get the help that she has refused so far.

 

[klmno]

Nope- you weren't too blunt. You should hear how blunt I've gotten with some of these POs! But I found if I wasn't, they keep right on doing the same ole-same ole until I put my foot down or difficult child is home re-offending again. They are just doing what they have to. They (people in the system) will continue to do that until the parent forces a detour in the plan.

And I for one completely understand why you feel the way you do.

I'm sure you know that I'm biding time until my son hits 18yo, too- not because I want rid of him (out of my life completely) or don't love him anymore, but I don't have the financial, emotional, etc resources to go thru it again and can't begin to fathom why anyone could possibly think this would be in his best interest, given that there's no reason to think that the same approach would produce any different result than it did before. I honestly believe that it is in my son's best interest (and mine) for him to age out and when he's given a chance at transitioning at 18yo, he'll have more services available and will have to face that his decisions=his problem or = his freedom, depending on the choices he makes.

 

[InsaneCdn]

there's no reason to think that the same approach would produce any different result than it did before.

The definition of insanity...

"Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result."

(no idea who originally said that - but I love that quote!)

 

[gcvmom]

Tip-toeing around the issue would only waste time. You did right. And I think you ARE right in your reasoning.

 

[HaoZi]

The quote was (I think) either Einstein. Smart man, if a little quirky.

Not too blunt at all. No point in walking the same rut with a new doctor, it'll still be a rut turning into a trench (or moat). Telling the doctor what they can do with that idea (or where they can put it) might be too blunt, depending on the idea and the doctor.

 

[AnnieO]

Was it the definition of insanity, or stupidity?

See, JJJ, either way it works. You - because you are neither insane nor stupid - refuse to continue to beat your head against the same brick wall that's given you a headache in the past...

 

[TerryJ2]

I understand completely. You are correct to be that blunt. However, by accepting and reading the material s/he sends, it will show open mindedness and willingness to take in new information, even if it is not appropriate for you.
You may even find a few paragraphs that say something like, "If the family chooses to no longer communicate with the member who has a personality disorder, boundaries must be drawn strictly and permanently," and you can circle it. Just a thought.

Step, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results," originally attributed to Benjamin Franklin. It is often misattributed to various people, including Albert Einstein, but Einstein's quote is "You can't solve a problem with the same level of thinking that created the problem."

(What was that about being an information junkie, JJJ? )

 

[JJJ]

Thanks all. At least I know those in the trenches with me understand. Now, does the 20-something therapist??? LOL

 

[TerryJ2]

Ah, 20-somethings.

 

[Running_for_the_shelter]

If you're not blunt, you just waste your time and everyone else's. Unfortunately, a fair number of people seem to have to have their own epiphanies and just have to learn the hard way. I find it very annoying but I'm not a very patient person.

 

[InsaneCdn]

If you're not blunt, you just waste your time and everyone else's. Unfortunately, a fair number of people seem to have to have their own epiphanies and just have to learn the hard way. I find it very annoying but I'm not a very patient person.

Right.
And if you are blunt?
Then you're "part of the problem"... you're not flexible enough, you aren't "cooperating", and so on.

But when the alternative to being blunt is to go around in circles in the same old rut... I pick "blunt" too.

 

[timer lady]

JJJ, I no longer attend family therapy with wm. His therapist is working on the very same issues you brought up for Kanga.

Not too blunt at all. Like Sue, I sometimes think that our little wonders use that time to play the blame game instead of focusing on their life; their choices & behaviors. I hate family therapy with a passion.

Bravo, JJJ

 

[JJJ]

I figure I need to finally answer the phone today when she calls today as it has been 2 weeks. Ugh. I'll let you know how it goes.

 

[JJJ]

Talked to Kanga today. When she commented about how long it had been "months", I pointed out that it had only been two weeks and if she wanted people to talk to her, she needed to be nice to them. I told her it was a simple formula: be nice on the phone = mom answers the next time you call BUT be delusional/demanding/rude = don't bother calling for a while. I also told her that we absolutely would not be discussing any home visits or contact with her sibs; that she would do best to move forward as if she was an only child.

She said she 'forgot' how to do family therapy so she is concerned about our upcooming 1st session since she moved. I told her that unlike family therapy at Residential Treatment Center (RTC)-M (which focused on reunification goals) or Residential Treatment Center (RTC)-A (which focused on her violations of her safety plan), that family therapy at this Residential Treatment Center (RTC) would focus on making sure she was taking the steps she needed to take to get to independent living. I was pleasantly surprised when she expressed concern over how her therapy and medications would be paid for as an adult. I gave her an 'assignment' to get a newspaper and find out how much apartments were in her new town and what the public bus routes were.

I think making FT just a chance for her to report how she is doing in her research for adult living is best.

 

[susiestar]

As usual, JJJ, you are right. It seems like a good sign that she is thinking about how medications, etc... would be paid for after age 18. So many difficult children cannot wait until whatever age so that they can refuse to take them and stop attending therapy. It may be that she just has had therapy as a part of her life and routine for so long that there would be a void if she didn't have it. Or she may be starting to realize that most of the only times she sees you and/or husband are for therapy. Either way, that kind of thinking should be encouraged.

I hope she really gets involved and interested in planning her adult life. It might really help her seethe why of many of the things she needs to learn.