Minor annoyance and HUH? Reached out to difficult child's girlfriend's parents & was IGNORED

[Signorina]

This is no great shakes and there is definitely not enough information to reach a conclusion. And I will be rambling. But it's been bugging the poop out of me and I would love someone's $.02. Because I can't for the life of me figure it out!!

difficult child has had the same girlfriend (E) for 3+ years. Nice girl, practically a member of our family and actually lives down the street from us. It was very rare to have difficult child in the house without E. Ate dinners with us, decorated the Christmas tree with us, came over every day after school while in HS, you get the picture. Even hung out with us quite a bit last year when difficult child was away at school and she was still living at home going to school locally.

Parents seem nice. They made an effort to become our friends. We got to know them, had dinner at their house, they had dinner here a few times, we went out a few times, we hosted a joint HS grad party for the kids at our house and they even came over last Thanksgiving for dessert. When E decided to transfer to difficult child's school this year, her dad actually contacted me to get my thoughts about it before they encouraged her further. Mom and I were on our way to building a real friendship I thought and we were in contact once a week or so. The mom and I had dinner plans on the books for after the kids went back to school.

So, difficult child storms out of the house on 8/29. Goes to their house. I send a heartfelt, very personal email to the mom letting her know what was going on. I went into detail -- I let her know that we found the drug paraphernalia purchase, that difficult child had past struggles with sub abuse & a genetic disposition to addiction, that difficult child had been floundering at school and they we could not send him back with a clear conscience. That we loved him, wanted him to stay home, that he was always welcome in our family but had chosen to leave and were very scared for him, yada yada yada. HEARTFELT. Poured my heart out to her.

Nada. She never replied. Not even a "got your note, will be thinking of you, I hope everything works out..." I have not heard a peep from her since I sent the email. I can understand not wanting to get involved - but to ignore it completely?

So, I sent it to the dad. We were having an ongoing FB convo thru PM about everyday stuff. So I PM'd him a copy of the letter I sent his wife, mentioned that I had never heard back from her so I wasn't sure she received my email, but I wanted him to know we care and worry about difficult child. Again NADA. In fact, our FB PM convo about everyday stuff has continued with this big ole missal right in the middle yet never mentioned. (Weather, politics, neighborhood stuff)

Another interesting tidbit - as I said difficult child and E spent all their time HERE. For nearly 3 years. Until this summer. When they started spending all of their time at HER house. Her older sis has moved home after college, and I've since seen the pics of big drinking parties at the house which include E and their underage friends. I am pretty sure difficult child is rolling a joint in the background of one of the pics.

I've mentioned before that I check difficult child's phone records (my phone acct) He's had quite a few long conversations with the dad and a few shorter ones with the mom - especially more recently. Plus a few texts back and forth. Certainly a lot more than he's had with his dad or me. And, they were never in phone contact prior to September of this year. I am starting to wonder if they are supporting him (financially). H even wondered (half jokingly) if they were supplying him?

Things that make you go ...hmmmmmm

 

[keista]

H even wondered (half jokingly) if they were supplying him?

Sorry, but that's what I started thinking.

Dad is carrying on a regular day to day convo with you, and not even acknowledging the fact that you are concerned about drugs. The way I see it, if he was concerned, he'd say something. To NOT say something is condoning it. He can lie to you and say he is concerned, or he can fess up and tell you they think it's no big deal and loose your friendship.

 

[Signorina]

Well, we better hope they are not difficult children supplier - because I think h ( a sweet non violent man) would literally *kill* the dad. He has said as much. eep. I mean I know my H isn't a murderer or anything ....

And I am stunned that they are letting the underage kids drink in their home. I would NEVER offer someone's else's underage ds or daughter a drink in my home regardless of my thoughts on what the drinking age *should* be. It IS 21 and that's reason enough for me to keep our house dry to the under 21 set.

 

[Hound dog]

It's awful, but the likelihood they're supplying him is 50/50. The likelihood that they don't have an issue with either the drug use or drinking, is probably right on the money.

It would explain why they opted out of replying or even offering you support. They don't see it as an issue.

 

[DammitJanet]

I do have to say I think it is Completely strange for neither of them to even mention your emails. Completely. If this had been you and me and your son had chosen to start staying at my house because he found me to be a bit more open, well, I would at least answer your emails and tell you that I understood your concerns and would attempt to work with you and your son in attempting to get him back on track. Sometimes kids do need a place to fall for a short time out and then they can pick up the pieces and go on if not allowed to wallow.

Is there any reason for you to think that these people are drug dealers other than just this missing email? Though actually you would be surprised how many people are and you simply dont know. Now supporting him I may believe much easier if you dont really think these other folks are dealers.

 

[Signorina]

As I mentioned - I can't figure it out. NOTHING adds up and none of it makes sense. Which is why it bugs me so much. I mean I totally understand them not wanting to get involved for instance. But to completely IGNORE my emails-not even a polite kiss off? Bizarre! And they KNOW us - plus I wrote the details in the email - so even if difficult child is concocting some wild story about being abused or kicked out or us wanting him to quit school to go to work in the mines to support the family - they have enough sensible information to give us the benefit of the doubt or at least to be polite and say "gee". They were our FRIENDS.

I don't have any reason to suspect that they are drug dealers. I will say that the 52 year old dad is a college drop who has a silver spoon in his mouth. He doesn't work much-plays a lot of golf, hunts a lot (expensive hobbies) and I've heard that he is a definitely a partyer -he likes to drink - and while some acquaintances have suggested he is an alcoholic - I have no idea if that's true or not. (We live in a gossipy town.) He drinks for sure - more than H or I do - but that doesn't mean anything necessarily. The mom is the same age, has a fabulous career-she finished college & got an MBA about 10 years ago - and she is totally besotted with her H. She is definitely the breadwinner but I think the H has family money. The mom travels a lot (out of the country) and is very indulgent with her dds. Even at 16, E never had a curfew. They had "checked out" of being parents in a lot of ways-they would go on vacation and leave E home alone overnight for a week as a High Schooler. She had a car accident at 17 and was taken to the ER with a minor head injury. When she was released, they DROPPED HER OFF at home and left her HOME ALONE so they could attend a New Year's Eve party! Plus the fact that our kids NEVER spent any time at their house until this past summer. Now all of a sudden they are this tight knit family circle which includes my son.

Based on his age and his lifestyle, I wouldn't be surprised if the dad is a recreational substance user. But a dealer would catch me by surprise. Yet, their actions since June have caught me totally by surprise. So I wouldn't put it past him. The whole situation is bizarre and I can't make any sense of it.

 

[Nancy]

It sounds like they are like a lot of families around here who look the other way when their underage kids drink or they use drugs recreationally. Therefore they don't want to get in a conversation with you about it. Perhaps they think you are toos trict with your son and he is a delight at their house.

This is a very similar situation we had. Our neighbor down the street allows his kids and neighbor kids to drink and smoke pot in his house. His son has been a problem for us for years. Last year difficult child went to live there when we kicked her out. They welcomed her with open arms, included her in their family, cooked for her, got her take out with the rest of the family, and allowed her to drink and use drugs in their basement for three months until she was so strung out she called begging to come home (which led to her going to the sober house because we said no). We didn't agree with their lifestyle but if it didn't affect us we didn't care. They both smoke pot and kids all know they can go there and do the same. Then they tried to safe difficult child from us.

It ended up where their son is the one who criminally damaged our door by kicking it repeatedly in the middle of the night. We proved it was him, had him arrested, and he was just ordered to pay restitution and undergo drug counseling. I guess the parents can no longer deny he has a problem, it's costing him $3,800 plus attorney fees and court costs.

I believe eventually this family will get tired of supporting him or your son and his girlfriend will break up or someone will get arrested and then you will hear from them. I don't understand some parents.

Nancy

 

[Star*]

Last name not.......Montagnae is it? say hello to my leeeeeeeetle friend.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I agree, sounds like they don't have much of a problem with it and they are probably partying with the kids. LOTS of people I know use marijuana. Actually, most people I know. I know there are some parents that partake with their kids, no one I socialize with does, but they are out there...

 

[toughlovin]

Oh I am sorry these parents are not supportive and are not responding... really no excuse for not responding to you.I have heard some crazy stories like this from others... I think there are several possible explanations. 1) It may be they see nothing wrong with underage drinking and pot smoking and think you are overreacting and hear your sons side and sympathize with him. 2) The issues you described to them may have felt overwhelming and they just don't want to deal with it, and your son has been on his best behavior with them and so they don' tsee it, 3) Their daughter really wants to be with your son, and they don't want to do anything to upset their daughter and so for her sake are staying out of it. Or it could be a combination of all 3.

I don't think any of these explanations make sense or are good parenting or good judgemnt. I really think in this day and age parents need to support each other as much as possible.

I have had two expeiernces with difficult children girlfriend parents. The first gfs parents were wonderful. Her mom and I got to know each other and we really liked each other. The kids met when they were in 11th grade and difficult child had just come back from a TBS and was doing really well and was sober. She was a very nice girl from a very nice family. They got quite attached to my difficult child and were very very good to them. The mom and I became friends and for a period she was someone I could really talk to because even with all of his issues and his drama she sincerely cared about difficult child. He started doing some pretty hurtful stuff to the girlfriend (including stealing momey from her). Her mom told me and we stayed in touch even when they broke up she still cared about him acknowledging that he was pretty messed up. For my part I recognized their feelings of upset with him and did not excuse his bad behavior. The two kids kept breaking upand getting back together. Eventually I think it just got to be too much for the mom.. and she learned fo some more hurtful things and she basically the mom lost her love for him. She wrote me a heartfelt email explaining how she felt and I completely understood and actually feel like she was behind him a lot longer than I woudl have been in her shoes. I have not been in touch with her and i think it is too difficult to really be friends, but if I saw her it would be good to see her and would be fine. I think I was lucky to have such caring parents... and we did keep in touch about things with the kids which at times was really helpful to both of us.

My other experience was very indirect... I never met the mother of my sons more recent girlfriend. However my son was in another state for rehab a year ago. The girlfriend supported him going there... and then broke up with him while he was there and that was actually good, and he was going to stay down there... they they got back together via telephone and she and her mother paid for him to come back here. He called to tell me and I told him I thought it was a really bad idea. I tried to get the # of the girlfriend mother but could not.... and really what mother would bring home a drug addict boyfriend back from a sober house, a boyfriend who had spent time in jail... I mean honestly paying for his plane ticket??? I could not understand it at all!!! All I could figure is that she was trying to please her daughter.

So I think parents can be all over the place and can be very misguided...... at this point you now know these people are not really in your court. My guess is if your son spends enough time there they will start to see behaviors that worry them, especially if he is drinking and smoking a lot of pot.

Hugs it is hard.

TL

 

[rejectedmom]

They do not acknowledge your concerns...They are not your friends. I beleive that they do not have a problem with pot or alcohol use and that they do indeed party with the kids. So if they acknowledge that you have ligimate concerns then they have to admit themselves have a problem.

My advice: They are adult difficult children. Treat them accordingly.

 

[DammitJanet]

Well I dont know that you definitely have to assume that there are pot parties going on where everyone is passing the bong and singing Kumbaya all the time. Even if the parents or father smokes, doesnt mean he does it with the kids or that they allow under age consumption of alcohol. I am fairly liberal but you wouldnt catch me allowing anyone anyone underage drinking at my house and if anyone had been drinking when they were over 21, they would be staying the night if they had more than 2 or 3 drinks unless they had a sober driver. Now that no one lives here except Billy that isnt even an issue.

I just think they are clueless about how to handle this.

Jamies first girlfriend had some very strange parents. Actually she had about 3 sets of parents that we had to deal with. She had an alcoholic mother that she lived with periodically, a grandmother that she lived with periodically, and a father who lived out of town with a floozy girlfriend. The father was a druggie who depending on the month could or could not be using. It was a nightmare. The grandmother was also an alcoholic and she had a boyfriend who was just about useless. Grandma was an ass-grabber who would end up drunk and call my SO when she would black out and lose her way and try to get him to come get her. It was awful. Oh there was also a great grandmother in that was the sanest of the bunch but she was too old to do anything. We did end up letting her live with us for a while when she turned up on our doorsteps with bruises on her face and neck saying her mother threw her out after beating her up. That ended up in disaster though when we caught her cheating on my son while he was in boot camp.

I havent had good luck with any of my sons in laws...lol. Except I did like Jamie's current wife's mom but she died in the fall of 08. But she was an alcoholic too and she had a thing for my SO too. She would get drunk at night and call him up and talk dirty to him...lol.

 

[buddy]

Oh I am sorry these parents are not supportive and are not responding... really no excuse for not responding to you.I have heard some crazy stories like this from others... I think there are several possible explanations. 1) It may be they see nothing wrong with underage drinking and pot smoking and think you are overreacting and hear your sons side and sympathize with him. 2) The issues you described to them may have felt overwhelming and they just don't want to deal with it, and your son has been on his best behavior with them and so they don' tsee it, 3) Their daughter really wants to be with your son, and they don't want to do anything to upset their daughter and so for her sake are staying out of it. Or it could be a combination of all 3.

I was thinking along these lines. Recently my niece snuck out to a party, long story but in the end my sneaky sisters were able to track down the house the party was at. Turns out to be a popular football players house. My sister (her mom) called a woman she knows in the party house neighborhood (niece is open enrolled in their district). As she talked to the woman, her voice and words suggested that she suspected HER son was at the party too. He had been spending lots of time there. Sure enough he confessed to what had been going on.... Now both are in deep doo doo. So the boys mom calls her fellow football parent/mom and the mom says, well one girl did show up already drunk.... (UMMM her son already confessed, they had jello shots etc.) So that means they were there the whole time. The whole football team could be ruined for this. Lots of politics and lots of denial going on. The boys mom is going to talk to her in person and warn her of the potential fall out, that they must stop hosting these parties (now found out this is a common thing for them and they cover up for kids by being willing to tell parents, yes, we are here supervising). These are 14-17 year old kids. Really uncool. Who knows why people are so weird. To not realize the cares of other parents. Especially these folks who are your "friends".

I just wonder if he is pulling the wool over their eyes. Being sweet and perfect for them. Complaining about you....what is the word for that in psychiatric terms??? Triangulation. Teens and difficult child's are very good at that. Not an excuse, but if they have no experience with difficult child behavior, they may be really ignorant to these kinds of things. If I was in their position, I would reply right away and want to talk to you in person, I would draw a line no matter what--your parents are the bosses of you...(assuming no actual witnessing of abuse) and so on.... I am really sorry for your situation. It hurts when people we trust break that trust.