Miserable Friday

[jugey]

Fridays are never easy, especially when difficult child has nothing to do. I could see she was unstable so I invited her to walk the dog with me after dinner. Reluctantly she came along. I tried to bring her around by asking about her day, tried talking horses but nothing worked. Her brow was furrowed and she gets a weird look in her eyes. Not quite sure how to describe it. We arrived home and she stomped in and slammed the door in my face. When I opened the door she was holding a shoe over her head and threatening to hit me with it. She didn't but overturned a table instead. husband ran to see what was happening and she picked up her skate and threatened to hit him with it. husband doesn't handle these moments well. Does anyone? He disarmed her which sent her screaming from the room. At this point we are all charged and our home feels very unsafe. I tell husband that we need to leave....we do and take the dog. She calls within a minute and is hyperventilating and crying she says she needs help and that she thinks about killing people and plans how she'll do it. Whoa!!! I have never heard her say anything like this and really have no idea how to respond. I really can't tell if she means it or if she said it in an effort to get us to reconnect with her. I talked her down and asked her to give us 10 minutes and then we'd come home. We have now arrived home and she's calm. I have no Idea what to make of this. I guess I will email our docs but won't hear anything back until Monday. All wisdom is welcome!

 

[Wiped Out]

I'm so sorry for the miserable day. I am glad you will let the docs know. If you feel she is unsafe this weekend don't hesitate to call a doctor on call or take her to the ER. (((hugs)))

 

[dayatatime]

Hello,

Sorry it's been such a rough night. I know well that feeling of home feeling unsafe. I can tell you what I would do your situation, but, of course, this is only what works for me.

1) I would call the cops as soon as there is any violence in the home. The purposes there are a) diffuse the situation b) draw a clear boundary that even though I might not have any "normal" parenting consequences to offer difficult child at this point- I can still bring in the law and they have consequences to offer that do have an effect on him and c) maybe most importantly- I'd call them or go to the precinct and file a domestic incident report- if she's a minor it won't stay on her record and it will start making a paper trail - my experience is that paper trails are critical- it's not too late to file now- where I am I can just make a report and put in it that I don't want difficult child arrested- that way there's documentation but nothing more than documentation- those documents have helped me with family court, mental health court, child protective services, getting the services of the domestic violence cops, and getting a decent level of monitoring on probation.

2) I would call 911 or at least consult difficult child on whether I should call 911 re: the murder-planning- I'd keep my engagement with the topic to level of safety. I'd do this even if I had a strong gut feeling that it was a bluff to draw to me near- because I need to make sure that that ploy doesn't work. And I need to make clear that once we are talking about safety issues, I'm dropping everything having to do with making anyone feel better. In my household any feel better stuff around urges toward violence are saved for family therapy.

This may all sound really harsh, but if I have a regret it is that I should have taken stronger measures earlier. And if I have a positive reflection on my own behavior, I have gratitude for all the paper trails.

 

[Confused]

Hugs. Im so sorry and I know its not easy to try to decided if she meant it or was just mad. My son has had share of threats and Im trying to get him in now to this newly referred Psychologist. Either way, I agree with you to talk to the pediatrician, and any other Dr she is seeing. Weekends are hard, if you need to, I agree to take her to the E.R.

 

[jugey]

Thank you for the responses. Day, thanks for sharing what you would do. If someone had asked me Friday morning how things were going I would have said much better and then BAM!! Whenever difficult child elevates to that crazy, aggressive and sometimes violent/destructive place I wrestle with should I or shouldn't I call authorities, but ultimately never do. I dread doing it, but do know that it's probably my best move. It's hard when I'm in the moment. I can think clearly! However, what you say about creating boundaries and a paper trail makes good sense. Now I wonder how the heck we're going to get through the rest of this weekend! Ugh!!! It's so hard not to be mad at her but then I know there's no value in that and it might only elevate her again, if she feels our disappointment. I hate walking on eggshells! I'm not very good at it!

 

[TerryJ2]

I'm so sorry for that miserable episode. been there done that.
We've called the police 2 or 3X, and tell them that our son is ramping up or raging and that he is spec needs. Be SURE to tell the 911 operator when you call.
Since you had a gut feeling that your daughter may have been bluffing, it's altogether possible. Definitely focus on the incident with-the therapist at your next appointment, and also on the phone.
I completely understand about walking on eggshells.
I would take her back to the psychiatrist, too, and get her medications adjusted. That's just not right.

 

[jugey]

Thanks terry. I can't figure out been there done that :02.47-tranquillity: Rookie here!
The psychiatrist responded to my morning email and also recommended calling 911 in this situation. I guess it has to be done! I just can't believe that it's coming to this! She didn't mention anything about changing medications. Things had been going so well until this happened. I'm feeling so deflated. I'm waiting to hear back from our therapist about an appointment early next week. This morning difficult child was unable to recall the details of what happened last night. It's like she goes into a blind rage. It's very scary! difficult child's tail is planted firmly between her legs today. She's lovely and charming today. Total Jekyll and Hyde!!

 

[dayatatime]

elevates to that crazy, aggressive and sometimes violent/destructive place I wrestle with should I or shouldn't I call authorities, but ultimately never do. I dread doing it, but do know that it's probably my best move. It's hard when I'm in the moment. I can think clearly!

Yep, yep, yep. I guess the one thing worse than it being so hard on us would be if it wasn't so hard on us- then we'd really be in trouble. These are my experiences: 1) it's easier to go the next day of a few days later and file paperwork than it is to call 911 at the time- for every time I have called when I needed to there were 10 that I didn't - I'm not quite a good at it as I sound. 2) But I am good at slipping into safety planning mode- Keep my phone right in my hand so I have the option to call- be sure shoes are near the door- sleep in clothes if things are really nutty- keep keys with a friend close by. Knowing that I can get away helps, or at least is a thing to focus my mind- the safety planning- when I can't think. 3) Having plans for what I will do next time. I ADORE plans. Because you're right. Suddenly you have thins critical moment and it is not a thinking spot. Know my own intensions. And make my intensions know to difficult child at a time when anger is not at play. Just calm. If A, then B. 4) The cops: where I live they mostly suck and mostly don't want to take me seriously and it's hard on me, emotionally. But now I'm in with the Domestic Violence cops- for the first couple years, somehow, my reports didn't attract there attention. But they are different. They now call regularly to check on me. Stop by to let difficult child know he's on the radar. They are nice to him, too. And, they arrested him when I finally chose that course of action. It was for breaking stuff around the house in a tantrum. I asked the regular cops to do so and they wouldn't. The arrest has been the most effective intervention to date- opened up levels of services that I couldn't have gotten without it.

 

[dayatatime]

It's so hard not to be mad at her but then I know there's no value in that and it might only elevate her again, if she feels our disappointment. I hate walking on eggshells! I'm not very good at it!

I wanted to comment on this too- because it sounds just like me.

This is the response of my Al-onon sponsor and therapist combined into a single voice, talking to me:

If you are angry, you angry. You don't have to act on the anger. Emotion and behavior are two totally different categories, but if you try and control the situation by not feeling what you feel, Day, that is not going to work. Pushing emotion away makes it grow. Sitting quietly and feeling it lets it pass. Prioritize your own self-care. Take a bath, take a walk, go out to eat my yourself, see a friend, do a pleasant event. It's fine to tell difficult child that you are upset and disappointed and you need time. It's even good for difficult child- good to model straightforward communication and good to model non-acting, good self-care when under stress. If difficult child chooses to act out, that is difficult child doing that behavior, not you. Your feelings don't cause difficult child's behavior. Your feelings don't even cause your own behavior. Your choice chooses your behavior. And if there is acting out, always: safety first.

 

[jugey]

Omg Day....you left me weepy....in a good way! You got it and you got me! Thank you....I really appreciate your feedback! husband and I agreed to a "safety plan" tonight and I'm feeling pretty good about it. It hard but necessary and I do hope that, if and when the moment comes, that it will be a wake up call for difficult child.