Missing my kiddo........

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Steely, Sep 6, 2008.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I almost feel like a baby for even posting this..........
    cuz I know difficult child is 17...............
    And I know SO many of you have already gone through this with your difficult children at much younger ages than mine.............
    And he is safe and not in jail.
    But still..........
    I miss my son.
    I can't talk to him - I can't see him - I can only write him letters and hope he writes me back.

    I still feel pretty nurturing and protective of him. I worry about him in all sorts of ways. I know I need to detach. I get it. But this is like ripping a band aid from a wound. Suddenly he is just gone.

    And then I get temporarily confused in moments of stress that somehow he is now dead like H. Or maybe somehow H. is somehow alive, like difficult child. It feels like I have lost the 2 most important people to me in my life in just 6 months - except I have not lost difficult child. Just temporarily let him go.

    I have the flu and I never get sick, unless apparently I have major stress - since I got the flu when H died. How much more can life hoover than being both physically and mentally sick.

    Thanks for listening. Again, I know many of you have dealt with placing your kiddos in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) at much younger ages, and I know that must hurt much more than what I am going through. And I should be thankful he is safe, and getting help. None the less, my reality is that I am really sad. I miss H and difficult child.........and I want to talk to them more than just in my thoughts.
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Oh Steely, I would have been surprised if we didn't hear about the pain of you missing Matt. It is extremely hard and even knowing others have done it before doesn't take away the pain, it just is a comforting strength that you can get through this.

    Most people get to visit their younger kiddos in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - you do not get that opportunity. So hard - you just have to have faith that this was the right thing to do.

    Stay strong and stay in control. Promise us that you will go see someone if you get too overwhelmed with these feelings. I hope he can write to you - that will help a lot.

    You write to us as often as you like - we do care. It is easier to help when we know the time you need it most.

    So, you panicked about the medications, got to talk to staff, was reassured, are now missing him, when the 1st letter comes, you will so happy and reassured, then you will start missing him again until the next letter. There will be up and down days - you can get through this - share everything with us - we will help whenever possible.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Geez, Steely- I guess you are missing him. My son is only 13 and has only been away 4 weeks at the longest- in juvy. I could visit him there, but I still missed him a lot. Life seemed so different without him around. I would think you were a bit odd or in denial if you didn't feel some impact from all that happened in a few short days then it ending with him out of state for a long time.

    How are you doing, other than missing him so much? Are you staying busy (or at least occupied)? Are you sstill getting through the depression?
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh Steely, so sorry.
    I'm not surprised that you got the flu. I get sick when I am stressed, too. You body reacts to stress that way. It forces you to lie down and take care of yourself. (Even if it's boring and/or painful.)
    I can understand the scare when you confuse him with-H, because both are a profound sense of loss. You'll find your center soon. I know it.
    I know he will write back. It may take a wk or 2 but he will.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Oh Steely,

    I hate that you are sick now. I know it happens when stress wears our bodies down, but I wish you didn't have to go through it.

    Please please please don't let the fact that your son is 17, or that others have gone through this keep you from posting here. Those are irrelevant. We love you. We CARE about how you feel. We want to be here for you.

    It must hurt terribly, not being able to see him. I haven't gone through it like this. I was always able to visit my son, even when I had him removed from the house. I wasn't emotionally capable of visiting him, but I knew that if I needed to I could. I forced myself to see him when he needed to see me, though it was very hard.

    I wish you could see him. Write letters to him, even if you can't send them, or don't hear back. If you think it would help you can do what my folks did when I went to college, and again when husband and I moved 400 miles away - they sent mail and packages. In college they knew me at the mail room because i had a package at least once a week. And my dad sent "brown mail" - a hershey bar in a regular envelope. No almonds in it - those got caught in the postal machines. But the plain ones got through. It helped him feel closer. Maybe you can send a phone card to Matt, so he can call? If there is a way we can help, just ask.

    With all the trauma you have gone through, it would be surprising if you didn't have times where you got confused about Matt and H. I am so sorry it happens, but it is natural, given the amount of trauma from both situations.

    I am sending may hugs, and prayers for you to feel better.

    Know that we all love you and are here at any time.
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Sweetie,
    Of course you miss him. Geez, my difficult child was gone for one night last night and I was missing him. Even though you know you are doing the right thing, it doesn't make it any easier.

    I'm sorry you are sick as well, stress does so much to our bodies and you have been through a lot. Take care of you. Hugs.
  7. ML

    ML Guest

    (((((((((Steely))))))))))) I'm sorry you are hurting. He knows how much you love him. This is going to be a good thing for him. Please take care of yourself. Hugs, ML
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I felt the same way when Nichole had to be hospitalized. My head knew it was the only answer for her at that time. But Lord did it make my heart ache. Just because it's the right thing to do, doesn't make it any easier.

    Hang in there.
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending good thoughts, chicken soup, and lots of love to you.
  10. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    I'm sorry you are hurting to this extent. Loss....whether through death or through a change in living circumstances is still loss. AND you will make it through to the other side. Matt will be back in your life again.

    At some point, you will start smiling about H; then crying once again while laughing out loud at the same time. In other words the good memories will start to be more & more prevalent.....

    Take care of yourself ~ let the tears come; let the laughter come as well.
  11. slsh

    slsh member since 1999


    Please don't think that because of your son's age it should be any easier for you. Please. There's no hierarchy of parental pain with some parents more entitled to their pain than others. Placing a child in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is incredibly difficult, regardless of age and regardless of how many times s/he's been placed.

    I'll share what I remember about thank you's first placement and how we both reacted. I was adrift and forlorn for months, even with being able to visit him. There was (still is) a hole in my home where he was supposed to be. I felt *incredibly* guilty anytime I smiled or laughed or enjoyed myself. How could I? What mother can be happy when their child isn't home? But life goes on. We cannot put our own lives on hold indefinitely while we wait for our children to participate in their treatment. It took probably a solid 6 months before I could have a happy moment without immediately bursting into tears.

    thank you was okay for about 2 weeks and then the tearful phone calls started, begging me to let him come home. What was left of my broken heart was completely shredded during that period. He made all kinds of promises to "behave", to not be violent, etc. Then he moved on to how "horrible" the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and staff were. I am so thankful for this board and the parents who had already been thru it - they helped me to stay strong and to remember what the goal was - for thank you to be able to manage his emotions appropriately and learn how to function. We didn't place thank you in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for us, we did it for him. And no matter how many promises he made or how tearful he was, if we had caved in and brought him home during that adjustment period, we would have been doing it for *us*, not for him. By that time, we'd had 15 admissions, 5 years of therapy, multiple medication changes and educational placements; we'd tried it all. We simply could not keep thank you (and ourselves) safe at home, much less get him to engage in any meaningful treatment. I think I will always carry the mother guilt of somehow having failed him, of not being strong enough or good enough to have been able to keep him home, but that's a self-indulgent luxury on my part - the bottom line is that for *whatever* reason, we could not provide thank you with what he needed here.

    After a rather long hiatus (his choice), thank you's been home 2 of the last 3 weekends. I look at this remarkable young man of mine and I have a huge ache over the fact that he has spent almost full half of his life out of my home now. I can be an emotional sap and it's hard not to go to the "if only"s, you know? If only I had been better, stronger, etc. But at the same time, while he's still not making the best choices in the world, he *is* functioning. He's not violent. He's occasionally even being responsible. While he refuses to accept his diagnosis, at the same time he does acknowledge that medication helps and I'm cautiously hopeful that he'll continue treatment into adulthood.

    I don't know where he'd be if we had somehow managed to keep him home. Maybe better, maybe worse. We do the very best that we can, Steely. I think if we keep our kids' needs at the forefront, we have a decent chance of not messing things up too badly.

    Allow yourself to miss him, mourn that he isn't home. But remember that his world has not stopped - hopefully more doors are opening for him now. Be gentle to yourself, hon, but don't let your world stop for too long.
  12. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    <<<hugs>>> so sorry, I can' even imagine, when difficult child I was locked up for 7 days I was a mess and when difficult child II was in hospital twice, I was a mess. It's what a Mom is, it's what she feels. On that note I remember all the gems of wisdom given to me by these boards. Take this time to heal you. The flu stinks, I am coughing my patucus off, so thank you stress (& ragweed)! I wish Texas were a bit closer!

    Do you have friends in the area that you can make plans with to keep you're mind off difficult child being gone so much? Any new hobbies you've been wanting to take up? Books? I still will sware by mindless games: bejeweld, tetris, word finds, suduko (although i will argue that is a far from mindless game, it make my brain hurt, but some people sware by it's theraputic qualities)

    <<<HUGS & PRAYERS>>> & cyper soup and vix
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sue is always so dead on.

    I spent the better part of Corys teen years sending him various places. It wasnt easy on any of us. Obviously I cant say it made much of a difference.

    I do know that when Jamie went to boot, I was so completely beside myself because there was absolutely no contact besides letters. I couldnt call, I couldnt go see him, nothing. Yeah, not the same thing as Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but I felt like I had sent my kid out to be slaughtered by the big bad bears...lol. We got through it with letters. Send lots of letters and when you can, care packages. Im sure eventually your son will earn passes too.

    (I am flighty here so bear with me) I remember when Cory was in placement. He would do the "I hate it, I promise to do better, blah blah blah" letters and calls. They tear at your heart. Heck even Jamie did them from boot! You have to just keep strong and know you did the right thing. Dont crumble and write back positive letters. This may well be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life. If you start to crumble...keep thinking...maybe what you are doing today will keep you from being where I am in a few years and having to send your son off to prison.
  14. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Thanks guys. I think it is the fact that I cannot even talk to him, let alone see him for 2-3 months that is doing me in. Sometimes I feel panicky, sometimes I feel disconnected from life & numb and as if I don't really exist. It is the weirdest thing in the world to suddenly not be able to talk to your kid, the one you birthed, and spent every day of 17 years talking to and communicating with.

    I don't feel like I am going to crumble and take him back home - because I saw too clearly how I was gonna lose him through his suicide attempt. So, I know this is the right thing to do. It is just that complete and total lack of connection with him that is making me feel so, so sad. And I worry about him as a person. Is he sick, is he becoming manic, is he sad..........I know. Detach. I guess that momma bear thing never goes away, huh.
  15. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Of course. Nothing is as it should be. What the heck! All the dreams, all you believed, where you thought life would bring you...none of it is present today.
    Grieve it. It truly is a loss. We have all felt them.

    My son was stillborn. I grieved.
    My daughter never got the 'student of the week' award. I grieved.

    Sometimes we have to accept our dreams will never come true.

    But, we have to create new dreams then. We have to figure out a way to be OK. We have to redesign our life in this new dream.

    You can not nurture difficult child right now, but you can nurture Steely and her new dreams.

  16. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    It's a difficult decision to make to send a child away. Heck I know people with easy child's that fall apart when the child goes off to college.

    I hated the self torture I had going on in my head. I'm not good with the self flaggelation(sp?). It was about what was best for difficult child and not what was best for me or made me feel better. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt and still hurts at times.

    You have taken a leap of faith for your son's well being. As an adult you have options of what to do with your sorrow and grief. You can redirect it in a productive way after this initial shock period. Talk to your friends. Do lots of things that keep you engaged and away from brooding alone. Remind yourself that you have made a huge sacrifice for your child's health and an opportunity to get his life on track and to live a fuller life than what he was living.

    Other than that, each one of us deals with separation, grief and guilt differently. I think at the end you want to see yourself and difficult child coming out of this as healthier, balanced and productive. For me, keeping my eye on the long term goal helped me survive the sleepless nights.