Missing my son

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Jodi, Oct 8, 2017.

  1. Jodi

    Jodi New Member

    My heart is heavy. My thirty one year old son is homeless and has been so for several months now. You see, he is bipolar and unmedicated. He's pretty much off the deep end right now and no one wants to be around him. He has been kicked out of all the stores in our town, the gym and the library. My husband, my son's stepdad, and I had to get restraining orders against him. This almost killed me. I haven't seen my son for 4 months, however, my daughter does once in awhile and she speaks with him. He is blaming all of his faults and troubles on me; anything negative that has happened to him is my fault. He says I'm an awful mother and he hates me and has threatened to kill me. This is a mother's worst nightmare. I don't know how to let go. I am in mourning for my son. This is affecting every aspect of my life. I am at a loss. My doctor says that I'm moderately depressed and wants to know if I want stronger medicine. No, I want my son and I want him fixed. I don't know what to do. I have cared for him for 31 years. How am I supposed to stop now?
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You cant fix him, hon. He is a grown man, 31, who wont take his medications and has threatened to kill you. Do you miss him or the cute little boy he once was? Because he sounds dsngerous and unwilling to help himself.

    You took care of him about twelve years too long. He is way past the age of needing a mommy to wipe his tears and bandage his knees. Refrain from the mommy role. You hurt yourself when you mother him like a child and hurt HIM even more. Yes, this HURTS him growing up, even if it makes YOU feel good. And, as you know, it does not work.

    If you see himat all, pick a crowded place like a Starbucks. Dont let him home. Are others in your house he could also harm?

    Do you really miss him as he is today? You know he is not fixed. He is not that cute little boy who gave you flowers. He is a different person, grown.

    Think about who you miss...the man your son is today or a distant memory?

    Please keep yourself safe.You are grieving the son he used to be. Please dont get into danger because of a memory. He needs to be back on medications and in therapy to maybe be safe...maybe. He needs to stop misplacing blame for his actions on you to be safe to you.

    Enjoy your beloved ones who are kind to you. Enjoy nice friends. Keep Son at arms length and allow yourself to grieve for him.

    Hopefully one day he will decide to change. His blaming you indicates no self awareness that HE is his biggest problem. They all blame us. Their personalities are such that they wont admit who is truly at fault. They all seem to want to point fingers at others. This is so very unhealthy.

    Sending love, light, snd many prayers.
     
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    Last edited: Oct 8, 2017
  3. Carri

    Carri Active Member

    Funny, I'm really missing my son today and think I'll go on to Conduct Disorders and the first post I see is Jodi's, missing her son. Meant to be. Nice knowing I'm not alone. And then Somewhere out there puts out such a great perspective. Thank you for the reminder. I really do believe it's the toughest kind of grieving when it's someone that's still alive.
     
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  4. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Grief in perpetuity. I feel this very much.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I had to grieve the loss of a son who walked away and never came back. It took two years. I think it didnt take longer because he both never contacted us again, which mimicked a death, and also because my other four kids were awesome. But two years is still a long time. I sought a lot of counseling and it helped.
     
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    welcome jodi.

    feeling sad has a thread. over 2 years old now. where she deals with her feelings about missing and anxiety about her homeless paranoid schizophrenic son.

    she, too , had to get a restraining order. she was forced to accept there was no alternative. and that the only chance her son had was where he had to be in the real world and not sheltered by her. she was only able to take a stand at the risk of her own death.

    mother love moves mountains. until it no longer can.
     
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  7. Carri

    Carri Active Member

    Counseling is a good idea. I attend NarAnon and AA (my club) meetings regularly but it may be a good idea to get some outside help. Thanks for putting that out there. ♥️