Mixed feelings

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by klmno, Oct 19, 2009.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, I guess I will accept this offer but at this point, it is more because I feel like I have no choice. They wouldn't agree to pay me more so we will be striving to survive from pay day to payday and taking basicly minimal stuff. Probably, it will end up with me shipping some boxes over of things I would hate to part with- difficult child's baby stuff, diplomas, etc. That's the only way I can see to afford this move- the dogs will cost a fortune to get over there, with quarantine and lab test requirements, plus HI's fees. But, I don't have the conscience to not take them.

    I am having some twinges of anger toward difficult child for this whole situation. I know it isn't his fault that our legal people here were so difficult to work with or that the economy inhales, making it impossible for me to find employment here at this point, but if the kid had not repetitively broken the law, I would not be sitting here having to wipe out everything I have worked YEARS to accumulate, taking my last dime to move to a place for a job that will pay for a lower quality lifestyle than we are accustomed to, losing a home that he has left damaged, and me emotionally crushed and drained, with no assurance whatsoever that he won't turn around and break the law or threaten me or damage the next place again. Would you like to guess my reaction when he sat in family therapy and said he would like to have more freedom and privileges from me when he comes home and the darn therapist appears to be leading toward the typical rewards/consequences/behavioral agreement while I'm sitting there thinking that we should be talking about difficult child understanding that this is his LAST chance at home and there is a lot of emotional healing to do and no matter what a PO or GAL tells him, it won't change that?? I really don't think this approach is helping him to learn not to take me for granted. And I'm soooo tired of people acting like because he's done so well in there thru late spring and summer that I should believe that he will be fine living at home now. They have the backup of all those in the system, they have guards, and they can keep him incarcerated- not to mention, he's always done pretty well those times of year.

    Then, there is the difficult child legal issue stuff. I've heard from a couple of sources that they are considering letting difficult child out even earlier than Feb. I simply cannot wait until Feb. to go, assuming there is no problem getting my clearance. (If they hold the recent credit issues or difficult child's issues against me, I'm sunk.) I left a message for the "main" counselor at difficult child's facility this morning so I could find out if they will coordinate a release date with me at all, or if not, set it quickly so I can plan to wait (if it's in Late Dec. or early Jan.), or plan to go ASAP (Dec.) and come back and get difficult child in Feb. She never returned my call. :(

    Then, since difficult child's parole officer had said the inter-state people told him there should be no problem with difficult child moving to HI but HI wanted paperwork in 3 mos ahead of the release, I called the juvenile court people in HI to get their input. I asked if the paperwork HAD to be there 3 mos prior to difficult child's moving, or if this was just a preference. The lady told me there are 2 scenarios, depending on how this state handles things, but they work with this state.

    First scenario- someone already has a home in HI and they check all that out, then tell the sending state if they are ok with the placement and agree to monitor the child in that home and then the sending state sends the child. That process takes about 3 mos total to get paperwork, review the setting/home, and get paperwork back to the sending state. This is where the magic "3 mos" came into play but that would require me moving out 3 mos before difficult child. Given the time for my clearance check, I can't get out there before mid-december.

    Second scenario: The sending state allows the child to go with custodial parent, after sending paperwork to HI. HI people check out temp, then permanent home, sending states recommendations, etc., then tells sending state if they think placement is appropriate and if they agree to monitor child as recommended. She said unless the parent has a major criminal background, there are drugs in the home, or the child is a sex offender and another child lives in the home, they almost always agree to the placement and monitoring. BUT, this is based on the sending state allowing the child to move there without that confirmation first. And, if HI doesn't agree after the child is already out there, the sending state can order that the child return to this state. I almost want to ask the PO here to just ask the judge to remove the requirement to be montitored if that happened.

    I just found this stuff out about 1/2 hour ago so it was too late to call the PO today. I have to give an answer about the job though by later this evening (my time). So far, I haven't heard of any consequences if for some reason I accept then back out so I guess I will accept. I'm in tears and I feel so drained and I really shouldn't be making any permanent decisions right now but I have no choice.
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2009
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending hugs K, I know that change is huge and feeling like you don't have much choice isn't fun. Still, I'm thinking (hoping and praying too) that this turns out to be a wonderful choice for you.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    thank you, Sharon! I know there are advantages as well. difficult child called and I told him it would probably all go thru- but, if my clearance doesn't come thru, if this state Department of Juvenile Justice has issue over him going in a way I can make it work, or if I get an offer for a job in this state or a neighboring statee before things are finalized, we will not be going. He really wants to go but has no concept about how our lives would change, what it will be like to not seeing his grandmother for years (if ever again), etc. I told him, too, that if we go, we will stay until he's out of high school, then re-evaluate. That''s 3 1/2 years so I guess the worst part would be trying to figure out how to get back. LOL!
  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    K, You are tired and frightened and that is understandable under the circumstances. Try to get some rest tonight and keep your mind quiet. I continue to hope that all works out in your best intrests. -RM
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    thank you! I've decided to look at this like Plan B that I must proceed with- I will still send resumes out until I know for sure, especially since there is no cost with emailing resumes! difficult child has been as sweet as possible- even before this became a real possibility. I do think he is sincere, I just worry that he can't sustain it. But, I think being around a bunch of military people might really do him well after being in JROTC and he might be in JROTC there. If this helps keep him on track, it will be worth it. But, geez....everything I worked for- stuff wise and money wise- for the past 20+ years is almost gone and will be gone with this move. Of course, the professional experience is allowing this opportunity and no amount of money or stuff is worth difficult child's future.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kinda think of this as if you had a fire or other natural disaster and could only get out with a few items and had to start over. You could do it. You would have to. People do it all the time.
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    "difficult child as an adolescelent/teen" = "Natural Disaster"

    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

    Uhmmm...... that is a VERY interesting way of looking at it! LOL!!

    JK- I know what you didn't mean it that way, but it did give me a chuckle!
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Not to be negative, but being an "outsider" on the Islands can be tough on kids. He needs to be prepared for this also.
    My Brother was in the military over there and had a hard time. He loved it and hated it.
    But he partied A LOT!
    Expensive, but wonderful for all of the differences he was able to experience.
    His wife that he met there grew up on the Islands, but she was "white" and she had some stories good and bad about growing up there.
    I have a lot of friends who have moved back and forth as young adults and love it, but it takes a bit to fit in.
    It is a tight community in most places and they are open but cautious.
    I have had good experiences there and I am still very close to my ex-sister in law who grew up all over Hawaii. If you do go, I can ask her any thing you would want to know before hand and even once you are there.
    She is sweet and one of the kindest people I know. She also knows a lot about the Military side of things there. I believe her Mom still lives there.

    You have had so many experiences in life, one more, you can handle this!
  9. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Honolulu was just listed as one of the best places to raise a family!!! In Children's Health.
    Who knew???
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm starting to read about things like that, Toto, and I'm finding similar to what you are saying. I'm hoping that difficult child will have a bit of an advantage over some moving from mainland if I can get us in a neighborhood where military families and other DoD employees live and go to school. For one thing, they are transient in nature as well. We have a big military area in this state so maybe he can find a kid who used to live in this state just to have something in common with and something to talk about as an ice-breaker. If he stays in JROTC that might help him, too. I will talk to him to give him tips about attitude toward learning new customs instead of coming across as coming from a better place.

    Any tips you can get and pass on to me would be greatly appreciated. One big concern is where to find a place to live that allows pets and I can afford, where there is a decent high school but I won't have to drive for over 30 mins to/from work. I've looked up the rankings of their different schools and know a few I'd like to get difficult child in. I am going to call the place on base that helps military families and see what they say- the website says they help DoD employees, too, we just don't get the same discount.