Mom in crisis

[mightymouse]

I am at my wits end and don't know what to do with my difficult child anymore. I feel like I absolutely hate him. I have to go in and watch him sleeping to remind me that I really do love him and then I just cry and cry. He throws a fit anytime he doesn't get his way and intentionally sets up situations that he knows I will say no to, just to be oppositional. I just don't get it. He will not do what he is told until I scream at him or spank him and then he cries and appologizes (of his own will) and tells me he really loves me and then does what he has been asked to. Why does he have to push me to that point before he will listen??? We live with my parents (out of complete necessity) and his Papa doesn't want to watch him at all anymore, not even so I can take a shower, because of the way he acts. That is ok with me because Papa really only makes things <u>much</u> worse and he will not talk to or deal with difficult child with any common sense. Sometimes I think he actually provokes him and I constantly feel like I am playing referee between the two of them. He has always been the type to push his weight around just to show that he is boss and my difficult child does not react well to that. My mother works full time and the last thing she wants to deal with is my difficult child when she gets home or has some time on the weekends. So I am stuck with him 24/7 and I am soooooo tired of him. I am so tired of walking around on eggshells with him all of the time, knowing exactly what will set him off but knowing there is no way to avoid it. He has absolutely no patience and wants to be in control. I really have learned to choose my battles with him, but he turns everything into a battle. There is really no one else around to give me a break and even if there was, I would just be worried the whole time about what he was doing that I couldn't relax anyway. All of my friends have perfect children and think that "good parenting" would solve all of my difficult child's problems. They just don't get it and I can hardly blame them because before I had him, I am ashamed to say, I thought the same way. Sometimes I feel like he is my punishment for my thoughts about "problem" children before I had him. I really need to go to bed but we share a bedroom and I can't even stand the thought of going in there and laying next to him even though he is asleep. I know I am a horrible mom for saying that, but I know there are a lot of you out there who know exactly how I feel. My stomach is to the point that if I would just make myself throw-up, it would feel much better. I have had him evaluated but I am completely disgusted with it and need to find somewhere else to take him but that is a whole other thread. Within about 30 minutes of talking to me, the dr. said he had intermittent explosive disorder. How can a so called professional jump to what seems to me to be a bogus diagnosis anyway so quickly? I have done a lot of research and I think it may be Early Onset Bi-Polar (EOBP). When I mentioned this to my sister, she was very relieved because she has been thinking that for a while too, but was afraid of saying it to me. I was actually relieved to know that someone else sees that he has a real problem. He has had issues since he was born, and when he was 15 months old, I signed up for a parenting class because I just didn't know what to do with him. I have been worried for a long time about the possibility of having to medicate him, but lately I am almost praying for it because nothing else seems to be working.

I am so sorry about my hateful ramblings, but I just needed to vent. I would never be able to say what I truly feel in an ordinary society without being harshly judged, but I know you guys understand and can forgive me. I read what I've written and just cry, but I have to say it to sort of release it. Thanks so much everyone for being there for all of us with similar issues.

 

[SRL]

mightymouse, I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through right now. Being a single parent is tough but being a single parent to a child with special needs is really, really tough.

I heartily second everything that Nomad has suggested, beginning with taking some steps to look after your own emotional health. The first steps to helping our difficult children involve proper diagnosis but they also almost always mean changing the way we percieve and treat them. When our view of them is so negative getting them turned around and responding in right ways is nearly impossible because our actions are born from our attitudes. We've all been there done that at some time along the way! Many moms here do find that medications and therapy for themselves are necessary. I would really urge you to call your doctor today.

There was a time when we moved in (single parent, 3 kids) with my grandparents and it was an incredibly difficult time. Moving out made things more difficult financially but on the other hand easier because we weren't living under the constant microscope and criticism that can often occur in that multigenerational setting. Have you contacted any social services agencies to explore possible assistance available towards independent living? How about looking into respite care for difficult child to give you a weekend off once a month? It isn't available everywhere but it's often very helpful to parent and child alike when it is.

Hang in there.

 

[neednewtechnique]

You situation sounds eerily familiar to mine when it comes to my 5 year old. There are MANY nights I have to go sit in my daughter's room and watch her sleep to remind myself how precious she can be... I think we have all been there at some point or another.