mom messing with xmas

[Jena]

hi

yup i know i shouldnt' even give this issue a glance with what i have going on yet it's biting away at me a bit.

ok, some back up info. last xmas we did husband's family and mine for the first time.. it didnt' go well. they dont' really get along. husband's family well his dad is nasty guy. it was uncomfortable overwhelming etc. yet we got thru it and husband and i said we wont' be diong that again.

so this yr the plan is i do xmas eve with-my family and husband has to work than he'll head to his. and kids and i will meet him there later for an hr only.

xmas day my parents are heading out to us. quiet xmas we'll have his kids also. their mom has them for xmas eve.

sorry long if your still reading......

so, i had to go to husband's sisters baby shower the other day. she cornered me on xmas and well let's just say i said we're doing something quiet xmas day at our house just my parents. she said oh maybe ill just pass by and i said well we'll see you xmas eve. she said yea but not all the kids. ill just pass by. UGH!

i told husband. him and i said ok what if he calls them and says ok just dessert we dont' want a huge crowd for dinner. so that worked for us and i figured my family could handle coffee and dessert with them for crying out loud it's xmas. isn't that what its' about being tortured by family somewhat?

so i emailed my mom and said ok their coming by for dessert. she flipped. last year suxd i'm not happy. i wont' be coming than if their there. I dont' like his family it was so bad last year. and she's right it was. than she rights i cant' tel you not to have his family there that would be nutty of me yet we wont be coming. WTF

so now husband and i have to be in an uncomfortable position to tell his pregnant sister with whom either of us ever spend time with but still hey you cant' come xmas day.

my mom's controlling. i get last year was bad and it was. his dad made nasty remarks it was uncomfortable he's an ass plain and simple. yet it's always conditions with her i cant' come if it snows we dont' drive in snow, we cant' come if you have your dog there so we gotta put him somewhere, and now this.

thoughts??

i'm mixed up about it. i think that she is wrong these are her grandchildren and it's ridiculous to not be able to sit for an hr with his family just to do dessert. and suck it up. difficult child and easy child now especially will be heartbroken if they dont' come. yet we'll be faced with ugliness of having to tell his family this and it'll only add more fuel to the already burning fire of them not liking me.

 

[DammitJanet]

I would tell everyone to put their big boy/girl panties on and act like grown ups for Christmas sake!

J's side of the family can be there and if hubby's side wishes to stop by for dessert, then so be it. If J's family doesnt like it, well they can all go to walmart or something ..maybe look at lights. Personally, I would just tell mom to grin and bear it. She ought to know how by now.

 

[Hound dog]

I'm with Janet on this one. Time to put the big boy/girl panties on and act like adults. It's ONE day out of the year.

If I can tolerate having katie's husband spending 2 nights with us just so my grandchildren can have a nice xmas....................................please. That man drives me very very close to murder. Yet I can plaster a smile on my face and make nicey nice chit chat and be polite. Because that is what you do when you're and adult and it's family.

It's Christmas. Won't kill any of them to show a little spirit.

by the way Mom will be controlling as long as you allow it. My Mom is a major control freak, major. She hasn't been able to control me since I left home, drives her crazy, but I simply won't allow it. She's my mother, I respect her, but we're both adults and equals. I expect and demand respect in return. Because I do, I get it.

Families gather together for the holidays, especially this one. Hubby has a family too. Ok so they're not so great, but still they are HIS family.

I'd just tell her what the plans are, she can decide to come or not to come, her choice.

Hugs

 

[HaoZi]

Is it just the pregnant sister and her husband and kids? Or are they planning to drag along *everyone* for dessert?

 

[BusynMember]

The holidays are always complicated for me because I drive into Illinois expecting to see my daughter (and son if he's in) and they have other families to go to as well. Sometimes I end up with Jumper and Sonic at my older daughter's house waiting for her and her SO to come home from seeing his side of the family. Her house is small and can't fit a bunch of people plus his family is nice but a little antisocial. Still, it's a pain.

This year, and for the rest of my life, to make things less complicated, I'm going in the weekend BEFORE Christmas. I sure He will understand. I will have three days of just ME, DAUGHTER and THE KIDS. Hub can stay home and watch the animals. I will drive home Monday, after having had our Christmas with oldest daughter and her SO, and then have our second Christmas with hub, Jumper and Sonic on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. To make it simple and relaxing, we are going out to eat either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. There is a really good restaurant open on both days so we have a choice. They don't require reservations.

Maybe you should do the holidays in a more sane day. If you see one family on, say, the entire day before Christmas and then the other on Christmas (switching off every other year) that would make it easier to see every one and give them special time. If they say they want to all come on THE day, you can be firm and also explain that it's every other year on THAT day because "We want to have the chance to spend special time with you...not in a crowd. It seems too hurried that way." And don't let other people control you. I HATED the holidays before we decided not to go in five different directions each holiday. I think it stresses out a lot of people and there is nothing wrong with doing it differently. Just a suggestion.

I hope it goes well. Think of Christmas as a time to be peaceful and celebrate the meaning of the day and maybe it won't seem so hectic. Maybe next year you can come up with an alternative plan, like our family has.

 

[Jena]

oh wow i had to laugh at that one, drives you close to murder LOL. yea i kinda saw it the same. yet their nuts my parents and they literally wont' show and will upset my kids. that's how they are seriously. she actually wrote in the email I am not happy. I said to myself are you freaking kidding me like I am?? I'm soo looking forward to xmas watching them under the tree their smiling faces no complaints waking up early with them drinking coffee taking pics.

and my mom goes and ruins it. good point she is controlling isnt' she??

 

[Mattsmom277]

For this year, I'd be thinking of not making waves but also avoiding stress and drama as easily as possible. Barring anything that you know that we can't since we aren't in your shoes and don't know all the dynamics and schedule for your other days .... here is what I would do. i would call husband's sister and say a chipper Hi there! I'm finally ready to finalize the end schedule for the holidays for our household. I can't wait to see you Christmas eve!!! (inject much joy in your voice lol) I remember you mentioned in passing maybe stopping by after dinner Christmas day. I'm wondering what other day/time works for you for us all to get together additional to the christmas eve get together. I ask because our Christmas day is getting a bit harry and we're trying to ensure it isn't so hectic with so many people that it gets unenjoyable for us and for all of our guests. So instead of a rushed and not so meaningful dessert visit on the 25th, I'm open (insert a list of days). Which one works for all of you???

Then I'd message your mother that her day is sacred and the kids would have been devestated since they already knew your parents were coming. Let her know the initial plans are the final ones.

Then ... say nothing more but several months early next year, make a plan that works for all of you in YOUR house and tell people this is what we are doing, period. Factor in all the dynamics and accomodate as best you can for others schedules, and just be firm and if you have to say no to someones ideas of what their or your plans should be, you can use the above tactic again. Sort of deflecting the whole "the two families dont' get along" thing , and it comes off as you being highly considerate of everyone so that you have more quality time with each group. You can this year and in future years, also say that its so difficult right on the 25th to juggle to much company, different families popping by etc, for the kids. It's important to you all to keep it low key but the holidays are not just one single day so here's the other options... etc. Know what I mean??

Families huh??

 

[Hound dog]

Hmmm Mattsmom is on to something..............

Jena have you ever used the guilt card with your mom? I'm sure your mom has used it on you. You know the one, I'm sure. So..........You can always toss it right back at her. Well. ya know mom you did say you were coming, and the kids are sooooooo counting on it, they're going to be utterly broken hearted and what are they going to think?? Why it just wouldn't be xmas without you here!! Why if you don't come it will ruin their whole xmas!

I'll tell ya there is never a controlling mother more stupified than one who has her own tactics used on her.

I actually used this one on my mom one year. We were doing the enormous family dinner with mother in law, a huge tradition. Mom and step dad were invited and quite welcome, but mom always felt jealous of mother in law and sort of felt like, well I dunno mother in law lavished the kids with gifts and love and the whole works.........guess mom sort of hated that even while she understood it. So mom didn't want to go but tried to get me to skip all that and stay at my house xmas day with her and stepdad. I said no. This was planned every single year, she knew that. Her plans however were based on whim 99 percent of the time, that and due to distance the weather factored in too. But she didn't want to go to mother in law's dinner and dug in her heels.

She did pretty good, she held out 3 days of the above treatment, until I pulled out my wild card.......I put the kids on the phone and had them give her the same routine. Hahaha no way could she say no to the kids. So we did mother in law's dinner and then came home and spent the rest of xmas day with them. (we'd also had xmas eve together too and the day after)

She never pulled it again.

You can also use the : Well mom c'mon, you're married, this is HIS family, what am I supposed to do? You've got me caught in the middle. I can't just tell his family they're not welcome on xmas...........Then play it to the hilt. Little sniffing and tears does wonders. lol

If she is really controlling you've got to have some of her routines down pat, turn them around and use them against her.

And next year, lay out the way YOU want xmas to be in SEPTEMBER.

Mattsmom's is good too.............mine just comes from dealing with a control freak my whole life. I just don't have the patience for it these days. lol

 

[Jena]

neither do i and yes Mattsmom you are sooo calm!!! It was biting at me all day long. My Mom is a control freak has been for years. Ahhh the stories I could tell and bore all of you!! LOL. when husband and I first got together, it was quick we met, fell in love, engaged basically overnight etc. well my mom stopped talking to me because she didnt' agree with-it! so that's just a little tidbit of how controlling my Mom can be.

ok, i'm going to pull the cry i'm overwhelmed with-kids card. sheesh sooo manipulative i'll let you know how it goes. i bet not well.

 

[Jena]

hey guys

i tried it emailed my mom and said kids are really looking forward to seeing you both here xmas day they'll be upset, yet i can't bring myself to tell his pregnant sister you can't come for an hr for dessert. it's just mean and silly and it's xmas afterall. you dont' have to eat with them or do a whole dinner it's an hr for dessert.

she emailed back and said pretty much she wont' be coming for xmas. have i said lately how difficult my family can be?

 

[Jena]

OMG now i'm getting emails cursing carrying on how i create drama for her, etc. how i pull her into my world. what?? i thought you didnt' want to spend xmas with them. i dont need this in my life. i said no problem mom do not come, tell kids you arent' i'm not. this is all you and your drama and need for it constantly and your overly controlling ways. boy i have a growing sh*tlist today

 

[Jena]

i'm so frustrated about this and needed to vent yet again. My Mother refuses to come here xmas day now. I have to tell the kids and their both going to be very upset. Better yet she sends one email stating well your stepfather said we'll all be together xmas be happy with that. Yet kids are fixing den our messy room, for xmas day. Their talking about the food we'll make, what we'll bake, etc. and getting excited because my mother and step father maybe have driven out here a total of 4x in 5 years i've been in Long Island.

Best is she blames it on me. just too many walls as of late in way too many directions.

 

[Bunny]

I think that will all that you have to deal with right now your mom could cut your a break and put up with your husband's family for an hour or so during dessert. Yes, I understand that she is not happy about it, but it would make life easier for you, plus then it would give you someone to talk to and buffer you from husband's family in case they get nasty.

I hope that it works out.

Pam

 

[TerryJ2]

So, how about the day after Christmas? Your mom could have you all to herself. Just a thought.

So sorry. What a mess.

 

[Jena]

yea it's all just eating me up now. i'm very unhappy yet coping as i do best my herbal supplements my journaling, my meditating when i can fit it in. I really dont' like my Mom. God forgive me. I love her because she's my mom and will always respect her. i'm big on the respect thing yet if i didnt' know her i def. wouldnt' befriend her.

yea she doesnt' care. it doesnt' matter to her that both my kids are a wreck right now, or that i may need to just be around family on xmas day besides my kids that drive me nuts and husband. they've done this before where they say they'll come and find an excuse not to. best is she blames me for it. my mom is extremely selfish person always has been. always will be. it goes back to years ago when i was a kid. husband will often say to me how many times is she going to bring up to us in a group setting how hard it was to raise you being a single mom, or how difficult a teen you were. it's so embarrassing we'll be sitting there and she'll start as soon as mention of one of my kids comes up.

she judges alot easy child doesnt' even like her and has verbalized that to me on many occassions. she loves and adores my stepfather who generally is a nice guy yet is getting older and cant' deal with-much at all. his patience level has depleted.

so yea you would think the one parent i do have left that she'd make the effort. say ok no big deal. yet no she is who she is. so now i have to go there on xmas eve and avoid blowing up adn finally saying what i truly think about her. ive been avoiding it for years becaues i dont' want to hurt her. i say to myself what's the point what is my objective and if it's just to hurt her than i dont' want to be that person.

 

[TerryJ2]

I understand completely. But I didn't worry about hurting my mom; it was only because she would keep Dad away from us that we made nice with-her. We had to go through her to get to him.
We tried to talk to her about her issues but it would always come back to haunt us. The only ones who could get away with-it were the kids. Once, my daughter said, "Hey, that's not nice. You're hurting my feelings." And my mom's eyes got really big and she apologized on the spot.
If I had done that, well ... never mind!
When my mom was dying of cancer, she was put on antidepressants, and boy, did it change her personality for the better. Completely took the edge off. She didn't argue with-everything, didn't worry about everything, didn't do the poor-pitiful-me routine, despite the fact that for once in her life, we would have given her the whole show because of her cancer. How ironic.
Any chance your mom would go to a dr appointment and you could go with-her and suggest something? After Christmas? You'd have to do some fancy footwork to make it work.
Nah, never mind. (Chuckle.) It wouldn't have worked for us, either.

 

[DammitJanet]

So let me see if I get this right.

You will do Xmas eve with your mom right? But this is only you and your kids, not your step kids. Why doesnt your mom want to see your step kids? Doesnt she consider them her grandchildren too?

Xmas day you will do what? Since mom is being the wicked with of the west, I would have just your family and then invite whomever would like to drop in for a dessert at say 3 pm. Fireworks to follow...lol. Or tell his sister that dessert is at noon and tell your mom dessert is at 5 and mom is welcome to stay the night. Sister is sure to be gone by 5. However, this does leave you you and your kids out from seeing your inlaws at Xmas. Maybe set up a time to see them on the Sunday after Xmas or plan a New Years celebration with them. I would do my best to put on the smile and nod routine and kill them with kindness no matter how big a pain in the butt his family is. They are his family.

 

[Jena]

Janet i agree with-you 100%. they are his family. and although we both agreed not to do what we did last year and put me thru that his dad is very nasty to me, we chose to spend it with-mine. or at least me he's working.

mom emailed last night and said she will not be coming for xmas day afterall. I said well i am not telling my kids, you can tell them why it is you will not come xmas day to see them.

I wanted to do xmas day with-my family that's why i asked them. I told them no i don't want to do it with-his. So they decided to come. I told them I'm doing late xmas eve with-his family after I spend time with-my mom i'll drive back out this way again. difficult child doesnt' sleep anyway so no biggie. than his siter cornered me on passing by xmas day for dessert. how could i say no to her? i couldn't. long story short told my mom she than threw a fit.

so way it is and i'm sure will be is I'll go to my mom's xmas eve day to see my step brothers who are in for a few days, the girls will be with-their dad and get dropped off later. They'll see my family for about an hr. than we'll be back on the road again for our two hour drive home. To my mom that is sufficient time with-my kids. yes I had to read well we'll all be together xmas eve. Really, how is that my other two step kids won't be there, my husband's working than heading to his family i wont' make him do a 2 hr drive both ways after working 16 hours.

so i'm trying to go with the whole can't change ppl thing, not get upset over it, be there for easy child and difficult child who will be upset when she tells them and angry at them. the kids have been working together which is cute on our den. it's that one room that we did zero with since moving in almost a year ago. we got a used entertainment ctr the other day they both cleaned it and it's pretty nice for cheap, than they hung pictures, etc. and all because grandma and pop pop were coming for xmas and they wanted to be able to utilize that room.

 

[DammitJanet]

It is very hard when there are mixed families. Every adult has to step up and act like an adult for the childrens sake. After all, the kids are the ones who are most important in the scheme of things.

Now its not such a big deal with my boys but back when they were younger, we did Xmas day either at my house and my mom came here or we went to her house right after the morning festivities. It was no more than an hour and a half drive. Then we went to my Dads either the week before or the week after. Worked out well.

Thanksgiving worked the same way...we had thanksgiving with my mom for the most part but went to see my dad the weekend after.

My kids just grew up assuming there were two celebrations to holidays...lol.

Now with the grandkids, especially Keyana, she gets more like 3. Though this year it will only be two. Normally she gets Xmas at her mom and her grandma Linda's house, Xmas at our house and then we go up to Jamie's for Xmas with Hailie and Mikey. Thats a whole lot of Xmas! Thankfully there is two weeks to do it! This year we wont be able to do it that way because she will spend most of her holiday with her mom since her mom is moving out of state and I dont want to take her away for any period of time right now. I would love to take her up to visit Hailie for the Xmas but I doubt they will let her go. We will just do her Xmas over New Years. We just make it work. We are adults. Cory isnt happy but he is being a grown up about it even if he is sulking a bit. I have had to sit him down and make him think how he would feel.

Grown ups put their feelings aside for the good of the children. If you have to suck it up and put on a happy face to be around folks you dont like just to make a kids Xmas happy...well you do it. Thats what being a grown up is.

 

[Jena]

I agree and yea I could see why you changed your plan this year makes total sense! I"m sure it'll truly be great. I think as other's have said it's about accepting who ppl are and stop frustrating myself i am a totally different parent than my Mom is. Like day and night.

I'll be the grandma that babysits for FREE when my kids need it, I used to have to pay my Mom when she watched difficult child years ago. Now for some that may work yet i was single mom trying to make it and pd my mom to watch her. Ill be the grandma that bakes cookies with my grandchildren on holidays and who gives her all to her grandkids when their around and my all to me when their not.

My mom just text when i was at therapy with easy child and difficult child stating that i'm wrong for guilting them uh oh caught LOL and that at their age my mom is 62 she should be able to do exactly what she wants on xmas and that isnt' coming to us. they do their xmas eve thing and want to stay home xmas eve and it isnt' just about his family.

ok mom whatever!!

breath breath breath...........