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Mom needs help with detaching from son
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 632947" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Luane, welcome. MWM and COM have offered you very sound advice, they know, we know, I know what you are going through because we've been there or are there with you.</p><p></p><p>A therapist told me once that one indicator to help guide you when you are first learning to differentiate between enabling and loving kindness is that with loving kindness you usually feel good, with enabling you usually feel resentment and you feel bad. That helped me. It's hard to figure out sometimes and as COM mentioned, in the big picture, we all go up and down and back and forth and all over the map for awhile until we get our bearings on this new path. If you decide to help your son, then go with that plan, if you don't, then...........well, you don't. </p><p></p><p>There is no right or wrong here, you do what feels right to you. And, tomorrow if that changes, we can always change our mind, nothing is etched in stone, there are no detachment "rules".............we're parents, we love these kids............we do the best we can and when we find a better way to do it, we do that. </p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. It may give you some insight.</p><p></p><p>This is a process, it takes time and a commitment on your part to stop the runaway train of helping our kids when they are not willing to change. We can't make them change so it becomes crazy making for us and keeps us in the hamster wheel of insanity. Remember the definition of insanity, "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."</p><p></p><p>Get yourself some real support. Be kind to yourself. Put the focus on YOU instead of your son. Make sure you get your needs met. We stay so long at the difficult child party, we forget to nourish our own lives. Take care of YOU now..............wishing you peace..........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 632947, member: 13542"] Luane, welcome. MWM and COM have offered you very sound advice, they know, we know, I know what you are going through because we've been there or are there with you. A therapist told me once that one indicator to help guide you when you are first learning to differentiate between enabling and loving kindness is that with loving kindness you usually feel good, with enabling you usually feel resentment and you feel bad. That helped me. It's hard to figure out sometimes and as COM mentioned, in the big picture, we all go up and down and back and forth and all over the map for awhile until we get our bearings on this new path. If you decide to help your son, then go with that plan, if you don't, then...........well, you don't. There is no right or wrong here, you do what feels right to you. And, tomorrow if that changes, we can always change our mind, nothing is etched in stone, there are no detachment "rules".............we're parents, we love these kids............we do the best we can and when we find a better way to do it, we do that. You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. It may give you some insight. This is a process, it takes time and a commitment on your part to stop the runaway train of helping our kids when they are not willing to change. We can't make them change so it becomes crazy making for us and keeps us in the hamster wheel of insanity. Remember the definition of insanity, "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Get yourself some real support. Be kind to yourself. Put the focus on YOU instead of your son. Make sure you get your needs met. We stay so long at the difficult child party, we forget to nourish our own lives. Take care of YOU now..............wishing you peace.......... [/QUOTE]
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