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Mom needs help with detaching from son
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 633161" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I'm so sorry, luane. This is pretty typical. Never offer anything because they won't follow through on it. He's doesn't care about the environment he lives in now. He just wants drugs. Religion? He isn't ready. I would not push any agenda on him right now...not a sober house or any religion and I would not help him out. You will end up throwing your money to the wind. He is not ready to quit.</p><p></p><p>The truth is, you don't know if he was sober for six months either. I thought my daughter was sober many times when she wasn't. We don't know what goes on with our adult kids when the lights are out, we're asleep, and they are so darn sneaky. All of us want to believe "it's only pot" not that pot is a good thing, but it won't kill them. But it's usually more once they are acting this badly.</p><p></p><p>From my days with my daughter, I know one important way to know if you son/daughter is sober is that they will stop associating with drug users once they are. Drug users hang with users. Sober people are usually not interested in friends who abuse drugs.</p><p></p><p>I'm sure this hurts badly, but it won't surprise you so much the next time and the next time until/unless he decides he's had enough and honestly asks you if you will help him quit. Now my daughter just quit. She didn't tell anyone. She told me she was afraid she couldn't do it so she told nobody before the fact and she did it alone (with her boyfriend) but no rehab. Rehab can be helpful and thoughtful. Your son is aware that he does not wish to quit yet. He does not want to go to college. That is your dream for him...I'd shelve it unless he quits and then wants to go and finds a way to do it on his own. My daughter, after she quit using and was living with her boyfriend, got a loan and went back to school. SHE paid for it. It was part of her growth toward adulthood. It isn't fair to us or to them to not allow them to grow up, even if it's harder for some adults to BE adults than other ones. And we have to accept them honestly, for whom they are, not for whom we wish they would be. That's true even for PCs...we can't control another's life because of how we want it to be. Luane our adult children, even those who seem to depend on our $$$, do not want to be told where to live, what to do, what path to take, etc. and usually they won't listen, especially if they are rebellious, like your son. I would stop telling him where he should go. If he finds any sober house, I'd embrace it and cross my fingers. Let him succeed or fail on his own. Anyhow, that is my opinion.</p><p></p><p>Hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 633161, member: 1550"] I'm so sorry, luane. This is pretty typical. Never offer anything because they won't follow through on it. He's doesn't care about the environment he lives in now. He just wants drugs. Religion? He isn't ready. I would not push any agenda on him right now...not a sober house or any religion and I would not help him out. You will end up throwing your money to the wind. He is not ready to quit. The truth is, you don't know if he was sober for six months either. I thought my daughter was sober many times when she wasn't. We don't know what goes on with our adult kids when the lights are out, we're asleep, and they are so darn sneaky. All of us want to believe "it's only pot" not that pot is a good thing, but it won't kill them. But it's usually more once they are acting this badly. From my days with my daughter, I know one important way to know if you son/daughter is sober is that they will stop associating with drug users once they are. Drug users hang with users. Sober people are usually not interested in friends who abuse drugs. I'm sure this hurts badly, but it won't surprise you so much the next time and the next time until/unless he decides he's had enough and honestly asks you if you will help him quit. Now my daughter just quit. She didn't tell anyone. She told me she was afraid she couldn't do it so she told nobody before the fact and she did it alone (with her boyfriend) but no rehab. Rehab can be helpful and thoughtful. Your son is aware that he does not wish to quit yet. He does not want to go to college. That is your dream for him...I'd shelve it unless he quits and then wants to go and finds a way to do it on his own. My daughter, after she quit using and was living with her boyfriend, got a loan and went back to school. SHE paid for it. It was part of her growth toward adulthood. It isn't fair to us or to them to not allow them to grow up, even if it's harder for some adults to BE adults than other ones. And we have to accept them honestly, for whom they are, not for whom we wish they would be. That's true even for PCs...we can't control another's life because of how we want it to be. Luane our adult children, even those who seem to depend on our $$$, do not want to be told where to live, what to do, what path to take, etc. and usually they won't listen, especially if they are rebellious, like your son. I would stop telling him where he should go. If he finds any sober house, I'd embrace it and cross my fingers. Let him succeed or fail on his own. Anyhow, that is my opinion. Hugs. [/QUOTE]
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