Moment of acceptance

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Wendy23, Jan 15, 2016.

  1. Wendy23

    Wendy23 Member

    I just need to write it to accept it. Sort of saying something out loud, but I have no one to say it to. My son is a herion addict. He is 25 years old and lives at home. I have enabled to the fullest extent. I have always thought if I help one more time he will get better. NOT! Only worse. Then I carry the guilt that I have made it worse, and that I can not stop now or he will die. I accept today that if I continue he will die. I have no control. He has had three wrecks since November of last year. I accept the fact that he is gonna kill someone or his self if things do not change. It I stop helping, things will have to change for the better or for the worse.

    I am scared of him, when I do not give him money he becomes violent, breaks things in house and has pushed me, prevented me from calling for help by taking phone away from me, etc.

    My question is if I leave my house and go stay with daughter I know he can not make it on his own and will have to ask for help or I know if I call police he will wind up in jail. Is leaving my house to keep him from going to jail enabling?

    Also, he takes methadone and still does herion. If he goes to jail, is it medically safe to detox from both without any medical supervision?

    Sorry, I am rambling and probably not making sense, but I can not even think straight this morning.

    Thanks for any suggestions for words of encouragement you might have.
  2. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

    I am so sorry to read your post. You must be feeling so lost. Others will post to be able to give you good advice but all I can say is that you made your decisions at the time out of love for ÿour son...right or wrong. This is what we all do. X
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would never leave my own house, even for a disturbed adult child. Your son is a grown man, not that little boy who was so cute. See the MAN that he is, not the child he used to be. That isn't really him anymore.

    Jail is not necessarily a bad place for an addict. They have no choice but to get clean and many improve in jail. There are AA and NA meetings, I believe. For me, I'd be afraid that if I made life warm and cozy for my addict son then I'd be contributing to his ability to enjoy his self-destructive lifestyle. Almost all professional advice says to not make it easy. It is bizarre to leave your own home because your son is choosing not to get well and to continue his illegal drug use. Even living with you, if this keeps up, he will probably end up in jail, although, as I said before, I have heard it isn't a bad place for drug addicts. they WILL detox and get clean then the rest is up to them.

    In my opinion you are going overboard, to the point of craziness (yes, they make us crazy) to try to "save" your son unpleasant experiences, but you can't. As long as he is a drug addict, his life will be scary and awful to you, although some addicts don't really dislike their lives. We care more than them or they would have quit. Something's wrong with that...

    Nothing you do, especially giving him free access to party and destroy your home while you bail, will do any good. He should be the one to go even if he has to be homeless...the homeless community take care of one another and help find places for food and shelter.

    Do not let your son control your life. You have a life and other people besides this son who are in your life and they love and care for you and can give you back the love in your kind heart. Your son can't do it due to his addiction. He is violent? Call the cops.

    There is only one person in the world we can change and that is ourselves. We can change how we react to our addicted adult children, but we can not do one thing to change how they live and whether or not they end up in jail. Your son is very likely to end up in jail, even if you give him your house, because he will go out hunting for drugs with dangerous people and may get into a fight or be stopped and searched...he is sealing his own fate.

    When my daughter used drugs, after her first mishap with a car, she never drove our cars again and we stopped paying for insurance or gas. Who pays for your 25 year old son's cars that he keeps wrecking? If it's you...I suggest you stop. He can walk to his drug dealer's house. Or take a bus. He doesn't need to kill himself or somebody else in a car accident on your dime. You'd feel even worsee than you already do if you contributed to it.

    In t he end, it is up to you. To me, my house is my house and sanctuary and nobody will ever make me leave, not even a grown child. Your young man is deliberately walking a dangerous path. If anything should happen to him, and it probably won't (amazing how they keep going and going) you did not cause it nor could you have stopped it.

    My encouragement is--yes, I know it is hard to do--but take back your life and certainly your house and let your son walk his own life's path. In the end, all of us walk our own path and nobody can force us to walk OUR paths. At your son's age, it's time for him to be a man and not depend on you...go to rehab, get a job, straighten it out. But he has to do it on his own.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.
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    Last edited: Jan 15, 2016
  4. Wendy23

    Wendy23 Member

    Thank you both for your replies.

    Somewhere out there: I know what you are saying is right. I will not leave my home, and when I call the cops due to his actions I will remember that he put himself there.

    Somehow I have lost my identity; it has become entangled in his. I must separate the two!
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  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Jail helped save my daughter. She got arrested while pregnant (and in her addict lifestyle) and I called the courts pleading with them to get her help. They kept her in jail for entire pregnancy and thank God for that!! My grandson is perfect, my daughter went to a year long program and is now home a completely different person.
    In my opinion, you need to let him feel the consequences of his lifestyle. Better jail than a lethal dose of heroin. Hugs to you out an Alanon group or a Celebrate Recovery group to get involved with - it will help a bunch to learn how to detangle yourself from his bad choices.
  6. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    I totally agree with SWOT, but need to add something more to what she said. First off, if you leave your house that only means that your son will either start or, more realistically, be more open about bringing his addict friends over. They will trash your home with drug parties. Your home will become a crash pad for druggies. There WILL be police involvement.

    That being said, you also need to think about how culpable you might be for your sons actions. You said he has been in three accidents. Your vehicle? Your insurance? You need to consider the possibility that if he gets into another accident and seriously hurts or kills someone that you could face criminal charges because YOU made it possible for him to drive. I don't know where you live so have no idea what the local laws are but its definitely something to consider.

    On the flipside of that coin, there are drugs in your house now. How much more will be there if you walk away and let him have the place? Again, I don't know the laws in your area but if the police raid and find a bunch of drugs its VERY possible that your house will be seized and sold. At a minimum, there will be drug dealers showing up on a regular basis and sometimes it will be to collect payment. If they know your son doesn't have the money they may well come after you. It does happen. It happened to a friend of ours just a couple of years ago.

    I'm not trying to sound cold blooded here but kick him out. He is a grown man and NEEDS to start suffering the consequences of his poor choices. You aren't doing him or yourself any favors by continuing to fund this life style in any way, shape, or form. I know its not easy. My wife and I had to kick our son out because he was stealing from us to support his habit. Its been almost a year and a half and he is finally starting to get his act together but it has been a slow and painful process. Stay strong and get support, from here, from a counselor, from ALANON, or whatever you have available in your area.

    Again, not trying to sound cold blooded but the only person who can stop your son from doing heroin is your son. He may well die from overdose. It happens on a disturbingly regular basis. I cant imagine how difficult it is to lose a child like that, but imagine that it would be one thousand times worse with the realization that you basically funded his suicide.
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  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am sorry for your troubles, I will not post much, because I am having some stuff going on, too.
    I will tell you, my hubs second cousins son, was a meth addict.
    He became dangerous, violent.

    I spoke with her yesterday, he is not using anymore.

    She said, "He went to jail, JAIL SAVED HIM."

    He never wanted to be in jail again.

    This does not work for everyone, but jail is not the worst thing that can happen to your son.

    I agree with the others, I would not give up my house, to my d cs. They would destroy it. It would not help them.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.

  8. Wendy23

    Wendy23 Member

    Jabberwockey...Thank you for being so direct and honest with me. I am so glad I posted here. I realize leaving me home even for a short period is a crazy idea.

    He was on my insurance up to about a month ago. I removed him and made him purchase his own. The vechile is in both our names and I can not get mine off until it is paid for.

    That last sentence is what I am gonna to find my strength in. I will not continue to give him any money to help fund his addiction.

    Thank you so much!
  9. Wendy23

    Wendy23 Member

    That you Leafy. I realize now that is not an option.
  10. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    If you co-signed for the vehicle its a whole different ball game. If that's the case, you are only financially responsible if he fails to make the payments.

    Just remember, when we give advice here its based on our own experiences. No one but you knows all of the details of your situation. Take what works for you and leave the rest. We all understand.
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  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Be aware that, when you stop giving money, he will find ways to take money. His behavior will escalate.

    That doesn't mean you solve it by going back to giving him money. But it does mean that you need to act quickly to protect yourself and your assets, including family heirlooms. Drug addicts have no thoughts or feelings other than how to get the next high.
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  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I am so glad that you will not be leaving your home. As @Jabberwockey said, it would only offer the opportunity for your son to invite his "friends" into your home and that can go bad in so many directions. God forbid one of them get hurts or OD's in your home, you could be held liable.
    Your home should be YOUR sanctuary, not your son's hangout/drug den.
    When my son was still a minor I found pot in his room and called the police. They arrested my son and informed me that had I not called myself, if for some reason they had to come into my home and would have found the pot, I would be the one going to jail.
    I know you are concerned for your son but you also need to be concerned for your own safety and well being.

    Yes, you need to take your life back.

    You sound like you know what you need to do. Be brave and draw on the strength of all of us here. You can do this. You will get through this.

    When helping isn't helping and turns to enabling we have to step away and let our children suffer the consequences of their own actions. It's painful but necessary. They are adults and have to make the choice for themselves.

    ((HUGS)) to you.................
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  13. autumnd

    autumnd New Member

    I am so sorry for what you are going through..I have been daughter is 27 years old and has been a pill addict for 10 years...I also enabled her.....until she got arrested and we did not bail her out...and going to jail saved her life......she spend 10 days in two different jails...My daughter will be clean two years on February 18th......the next time he threatens you..or steals from the police.....So what if he will be mad .......think of it as saving his life.....I wish you the strength to do is so very very hard but if I had to do it again...I would........My daughter would have been dead if I did not stop enabling her....hang in there and be strong......hugs xoxo
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  14. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    HI Wendy,
    Just acknowledging that I am also following along with your post. Others have responded above with good support and guidance, and you realize the need to stand your ground with boundaries for the benefit of both yourself and your son. I agree “ do not leave your house.” Jail just might be the safest place for all concerned.

    I am glad you posted here – writing it out and sharing is a very cleansing way to release and know we are not alone here, and to realize the "moment of acceptance." Just knowing others here understand from experience gives us so much support and encouragement. I have also learned and gained clarity and reinforcement from the others' responses to your post. This site holds us up when we think we have no more strength. We just keep doing what needs to be done, and find the needed strength one day at a time.
    Hang in there. You are going to be alright.
  15. Wendy23

    Wendy23 Member

    I have a question? My son is currently on 100mg of methadone daily. If he goes to jail he will have to detox. Can that be fatal? He says he will die if he goes to jail. Is this another lie or is he telling the truth?
  16. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I would think they would have to keep him on the methadone but not 100% sure. @Jabberwockey , in your ultimate wisdom, do you know the answer the Wendy23's question??
  17. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Sorry Tanya, but I don't. I deal with them LONG after the detox has occurred.
  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I worked in prisons over a 20 year period. I never saw one prisoner on methadone unless it was illegally gotten.

  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Wendy

    I am sorry I missed your thread until now.
    I agree with everybody else. Do not leave your house. It will make things worse.

    You need to put yourself first, not think first about him. He is an adult. Not your baby boy. If you are not safe in your house, what do you do? You call the police. You lock the door. You lock danger outside.

    If you tolerate being afraid, abused, stolen from, yelled at, or if you put others' interests ahead of yourself systematically, that is enabling.
    Jails are full of people who arrive on drugs. The large majority. Jails know how to treat drug addicts. They would have huge liability if they let everybody get sick. I doubt it is fun, but they cannot systematically deny people medical care which is required, even if it is drug related. People, even suspected felons, are entitled to humane and adequate healthcare commensurate to that which is available in the community.

    I am glad you are here. Keep posting. You can do this. Your son will deal with his situation and your "job" is to take care of you.

  20. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member


    My heart goes out to you. My son is violent, I was afraid in my own home. We were basically prisoners in our own home. It took a restraining order and calls to the police to finally feel like we were beginning to get not only our house back but our lives back. Our d c s must reap the consequences of what they sew.

    I highly recommend reading the detachment article on this forum. I refer to it all the time. It really helps. If you can attend an Ala Non meeting I also highly recommend.

    It is difficult to untangle and to stop enabling it is a process, I think an on going process. It does get better and you have the power to make that happen.

    I hope I did not offend or sound harsh.

    Keep posting it helps tremendously. It is helping me to save me! The people on this site understand and truly care.

    God Bless! Stand Strong Warrior Mom!
    HUGS, Hopeful