Monday blues

[nodramamama]

Last night difficult child 2 kicked easy child - and she's had enough. I drove her back to her other mom's house for the night, and we will be working out custody (we share 50/50) so that they don't overlap at our house. It's just so sad all the way around - but my partner and I were able to have a really good talk, and will follow-up with other parents, therapist, etc. DP and I are now much more on the same page that this is serious and needs some additional intervention - and I can tell she's starting to see that it's not because she's a bad mom, it's that he's wired differently. I'm sorry it took a Big Bang involving easy child - but I was really proud of difficult child 1 sitting down with her step-brother and explaining what happened to her when SHE couldn't get the impulse-control part a few years ago (we separated the sisters every time it happened...that drove home the message pretty fast).

difficult child 2 is waaaay clueless - subdued this morning, knows he did something wrong, but of course its "not his fault" because nothing ever is. On the way out the door, I gave him a hug, told him I loved him and that sometimes an apology isn't enough to make things better, and that this would be an opportunity for him to learn...

Can't concentrate at ALL here at work today! When's my copy of "The Explosive Child" gonna come?!?!?!?!?

 

[Marguerite]

Grab a copy from the library while you wait, or read back through archived threads here, especially in Early Childhood, for some preview ideas.

I just posted at length on gcvmom's thread about her husband taking the difficult children to the movies and now whining about how rough a time he had - he's now trying to either assign blame or duck out of hwat he perceives is blame thrown his way.

When we use blame, we teach blame. And often a situation isn't about blame, it's about trying to learn from an experience so we can do better next time. We're never gonig to be perfect, not easily. But we need to see when we do better, and to value the positive changes we've put in place.

It's a less stressful way of looking at things and also makes it easeir to keep trying.

We need to really help our kids see beyond blame. It takes constsnt reinforcement as well as personal vigilance (I'm horrified at how much I use blame even though I try not to).

It could be a starting point for you.

And you are right in what you said to him - negative words and deeds are much harder to un-say and un-do, than to do in the first place. You can't un-ring the bell. But we do need to find ways to heal and move on, after a bad incident. If we focus on "what can I learn from this?" then sometimes it helps us do better next time.

Marg

 

[nodramamama]

I hear you on the blame thing. I'm a "recovering blamer" one day at a time! It's a trait that I see in my easy child as well (birth-child), and boy! does that bring me up short! There's nothing like children to give you feedback on what's not working...

difficult child 2 had a variety of parenting strategies in his life, which I'm betting has been pretty confusing...but the best thing right now is that all of us parents/step-parents/interested parties are talking to each other - for difficult child 2 it's TRULY gonna take a village!

I'm headed to the Early Childhood section right now...

 

[Wiped Out]

Sorry last night was so rough and that you are having to make new custody arrangements. (((Hugs)))

 

[nodramamama]

Well, I think difficult child 2 finally found a way to make us sit up and pay attention with this latest Big Bang. My DP and I went to "livesinthebalance.org" which is the "Explosive Child" guy's new site. We watched the videos and we just cried. difficult child 2 is sooooo overwhelmed and lacking in a variety of "skill sets" and we've been treating him like he "should" be able to cope better.

And he can't. And he's a great kid, and now maybe we'll be able to reframe our thinking to this whole "lack of skills paradigm". It's time for us to put the focus on developing some new parenting/mentoring skills instead of trying to get him to do something he can't. It's also a real eye-opener to realize that easy child actually has the same limitations as difficult child 2 - she's fairly rigid, anxious, resistant to change and needs a lot of control over her environment. She just exhibits more adaptive behavior more often.

Wow.

 

[Marguerite]

A eureka moment?

When you find you are able to change your mindset, that is when you can begin to see positive changes in the children.

Just as bad behaviour can spiral downward out of control, so can positive improvements snowball and lead to further improvement.

Well done!

Marg