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Money vs. Conversation with difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 623177" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi. Sorry you are hurting...but how old is your son and why on earth would you send him $100 a week or pay for his cigarettes, which is an unhealthy habit anyway and which he may just spend on drugs? I have no trouble at all saying "no" to my kids for money. If they are minors and living a good life, I am generous. Once they turn eighteen, if they are messing up, the money train halts, no matter how angry they get. I've done that to two of my kids and both got jobs and made money themselves rather than thinking it was coming from me. Everyone is different. In my case, I will not support a grown child who is able-bodied and just chooses to live a horrible lifestyle. But that's me. We are all different, none better than the other.</p><p></p><p>Sadly, often our difficult children only call us for one reason...they want money. If the money tree dries up, they tend to either "punish" us by not contacting us or amp up their abuse and threats to bully us into continuing the money train, although they are old enough to get a job. If his mom is paying all his bills, he could certainly put in some hours at a MdD's and get food money, although homeless shelters serve awesome dinners. I volunteered at one and the people who came to it got home cooked meals. The church ladies took turns cooking.</p><p></p><p>I don't know your story, but I'm guessing your son is "playing" you and, like many difficult children, really is not interested in you, but the money that he may get from you if he is "nice" enough to call you up. There will be no normal conversation, such as, "Hi, how are you doing? No, I don't want anything, just to chat." It will always end up about money...yours, not his as he will blow any his has. They do not seem to care about us except for what they can get from us. Not fun to acknowledge, but often true. I am trying hard to live in "radical acceptance." You may like the concept if you look it up on the internet and read about it.</p><p></p><p>Have you attended any Al-Anon meetings or seen a therapist for yourself? Are you so rich you can support a grown man? Would you expect your son to support you if you lived on the streets, took drugs, and were abusive to him?</p><p></p><p>Nobody can tell you what to do. You have to do what feels right to you. A sure sign of having done something against your own better judgment is to regret having done it and to ruminate over whether or not you should have done it. I think maybe talking to your husband about money matters with difficult child and coming to a united compromise is the best thing for your marriage. Otherwise this difficult child could come between you and he should not have that power.</p><p></p><p>The walk you are taking is lonely and cold. That's why this board exists. But it is also full of people who are on the same walk. I like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon because they are filled with those who understand and are looking for or have already found ways to have peace, in spite of their messed up adult children. They have learned to set boundaries and to say "no" even when their irrational difficult children will go off on them or cut them off (at least for a while).</p><p></p><p>I always figured that if my kids were going to self-destruct, I would not add my own money to their sad, possibly fatal ride. If I sent money and something happened to them because I gave them money to buy drugs with...I would not do it. It felt wrong.</p><p></p><p>I hope you go for help for yourself. You have heard here, I'm sure, that YOU are just as important as your adult son. You should take good care of yourself because you matter. You need to learn how to de-stress, which is a lot harder than just typing the words, but it can be done.</p><p></p><p>I hope you can grab a bit of serenity and peace tonight and spoil yourself with a good book or a bubblebath. Read the article on Detachment...it's great!!! Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 623177, member: 1550"] Hi. Sorry you are hurting...but how old is your son and why on earth would you send him $100 a week or pay for his cigarettes, which is an unhealthy habit anyway and which he may just spend on drugs? I have no trouble at all saying "no" to my kids for money. If they are minors and living a good life, I am generous. Once they turn eighteen, if they are messing up, the money train halts, no matter how angry they get. I've done that to two of my kids and both got jobs and made money themselves rather than thinking it was coming from me. Everyone is different. In my case, I will not support a grown child who is able-bodied and just chooses to live a horrible lifestyle. But that's me. We are all different, none better than the other. Sadly, often our difficult children only call us for one reason...they want money. If the money tree dries up, they tend to either "punish" us by not contacting us or amp up their abuse and threats to bully us into continuing the money train, although they are old enough to get a job. If his mom is paying all his bills, he could certainly put in some hours at a MdD's and get food money, although homeless shelters serve awesome dinners. I volunteered at one and the people who came to it got home cooked meals. The church ladies took turns cooking. I don't know your story, but I'm guessing your son is "playing" you and, like many difficult children, really is not interested in you, but the money that he may get from you if he is "nice" enough to call you up. There will be no normal conversation, such as, "Hi, how are you doing? No, I don't want anything, just to chat." It will always end up about money...yours, not his as he will blow any his has. They do not seem to care about us except for what they can get from us. Not fun to acknowledge, but often true. I am trying hard to live in "radical acceptance." You may like the concept if you look it up on the internet and read about it. Have you attended any Al-Anon meetings or seen a therapist for yourself? Are you so rich you can support a grown man? Would you expect your son to support you if you lived on the streets, took drugs, and were abusive to him? Nobody can tell you what to do. You have to do what feels right to you. A sure sign of having done something against your own better judgment is to regret having done it and to ruminate over whether or not you should have done it. I think maybe talking to your husband about money matters with difficult child and coming to a united compromise is the best thing for your marriage. Otherwise this difficult child could come between you and he should not have that power. The walk you are taking is lonely and cold. That's why this board exists. But it is also full of people who are on the same walk. I like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon because they are filled with those who understand and are looking for or have already found ways to have peace, in spite of their messed up adult children. They have learned to set boundaries and to say "no" even when their irrational difficult children will go off on them or cut them off (at least for a while). I always figured that if my kids were going to self-destruct, I would not add my own money to their sad, possibly fatal ride. If I sent money and something happened to them because I gave them money to buy drugs with...I would not do it. It felt wrong. I hope you go for help for yourself. You have heard here, I'm sure, that YOU are just as important as your adult son. You should take good care of yourself because you matter. You need to learn how to de-stress, which is a lot harder than just typing the words, but it can be done. I hope you can grab a bit of serenity and peace tonight and spoil yourself with a good book or a bubblebath. Read the article on Detachment...it's great!!! Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. [/QUOTE]
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