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Parent Emeritus
Moods swings, carb cravings, flying off the handle...
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 660665" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Nomad, just a few questions. I understand your daughter does not live with you. How does she support herself? Does she work? Did she go to college? Is she living with other young adults? In her own apartment? Does she have goals that she is working on?"</p><p></p><p>It sounds like she is medication compliant. How does that work?</p><p></p><p>These are my thoughts.</p><p></p><p>We all have responsibilities and choices. Implicit or explicit. If we make our expectations explicit to others, they have a choice whether to accept or reject our conditions. If they reject them, we have the option of limiting our contact.</p><p></p><p>There are rules for everybody. Your daughter decided to participate in a family function. With that, she committed to behave appropriately. You as her parent have the obligation and the right to communicate your understanding of what is appropriate or not. She can like it or not. If she does not, she need not participate in family functions.</p><p></p><p>If she does not want to participate in a conversation with you about your expectations that is her choice. It will then affect your desire to be with her, where, when and how much. This is life.</p><p></p><p>At a family gathering, your feelings and comfort are on the line, and that of others in the family. Your daughter is not the only one at the party.</p><p></p><p>The issue of personal attire is tough. If she is complying with the law and her private parts are covered it is her business, I think. There is freedom of expression in dress. She can wear see through tops or safety pins in her nose where ever she wants.</p><p></p><p>But you bought her new clothes. Was the expectation that she wear these clothes at the gathering made explicit beforehand?</p><p></p><p>If you have made it clear to her <em>in advance</em> about your conditions and expectations about her dress and any other thing, and she agrees to conform, and breaks the agreement, that is wrong. You laid out in advance what you needed. She had a right to reject your requests and not go to the party. She went with you. She did not have to.</p><p></p><p>If she believes your requests or conditions to be unreasonable, she has the right to decline an invitation or to choose to not be around you. But you have the right to set limits about behaviors that affect you in space you control. As does she.</p><p></p><p>It is not okay to impose one's unhappiness or displeasure on others, indiscriminately, and in public. If she feels miserable let her leave. Pack up and go home, but do not expose us and others to your unhappiness. We are here to be together and happy. We will not allow you to rain on our parade.</p><p></p><p>This theater of calling her friends and denouncing others, oh woe is me, they are making me miserable, is pure manipulation, hurtful and immature. I would stop it now. Go home. Leave. Enough. Bye bye.</p><p></p><p>It is one thing to be psychotic or gravely disabled. Nothing about your description of her, indicates that she is. She is out of line.</p><p></p><p>The minute she chose to accept the invitation she accepted the responsibility of behaving appropriately. As long as you have already had the conversation with her about your expectations. If you did not, it is on you. It is wrong of us, I think, to criticize the choices of our adult children in public if we have not made our needs explicit, beforehand. I would have been offended, too.</p><p></p><p>What I am getting at here is that this is complex. As a young adult she has the right to live as she wants. To neglect her health. To develop bad habits. To be obese. To do pretty much anything she wants.</p><p></p><p>But you can set limits about your interactions with her, if they hurt you, embarrass you or compromise you.</p><p></p><p>I have told my son. I do not want to be around you while you are under the influence of marijuana. Not only do I not want it in my house. I do not want you in my home, under the influence of marijuana. He has the choice to use marijuana all of the time. If that is the case, I will never see him. His choice. My choice. Two adults.</p><p></p><p>I do not care if your use of pot is legal. Or what experts may think. I do not care if you feel it helps you. Do it anywhere you want, whenever you want.</p><p></p><p>In my house I am the only expert. I am the only law. Accept my law or leave my house. End of story.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for the opportunity to spell out what is my evolving understanding of things of my rights and responsibilities of my 26 year old son.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 660665, member: 18958"] Nomad, just a few questions. I understand your daughter does not live with you. How does she support herself? Does she work? Did she go to college? Is she living with other young adults? In her own apartment? Does she have goals that she is working on?" It sounds like she is medication compliant. How does that work? These are my thoughts. We all have responsibilities and choices. Implicit or explicit. If we make our expectations explicit to others, they have a choice whether to accept or reject our conditions. If they reject them, we have the option of limiting our contact. There are rules for everybody. Your daughter decided to participate in a family function. With that, she committed to behave appropriately. You as her parent have the obligation and the right to communicate your understanding of what is appropriate or not. She can like it or not. If she does not, she need not participate in family functions. If she does not want to participate in a conversation with you about your expectations that is her choice. It will then affect your desire to be with her, where, when and how much. This is life. At a family gathering, your feelings and comfort are on the line, and that of others in the family. Your daughter is not the only one at the party. The issue of personal attire is tough. If she is complying with the law and her private parts are covered it is her business, I think. There is freedom of expression in dress. She can wear see through tops or safety pins in her nose where ever she wants. But you bought her new clothes. Was the expectation that she wear these clothes at the gathering made explicit beforehand? If you have made it clear to her [I]in advance[/I] about your conditions and expectations about her dress and any other thing, and she agrees to conform, and breaks the agreement, that is wrong. You laid out in advance what you needed. She had a right to reject your requests and not go to the party. She went with you. She did not have to. If she believes your requests or conditions to be unreasonable, she has the right to decline an invitation or to choose to not be around you. But you have the right to set limits about behaviors that affect you in space you control. As does she. It is not okay to impose one's unhappiness or displeasure on others, indiscriminately, and in public. If she feels miserable let her leave. Pack up and go home, but do not expose us and others to your unhappiness. We are here to be together and happy. We will not allow you to rain on our parade. This theater of calling her friends and denouncing others, oh woe is me, they are making me miserable, is pure manipulation, hurtful and immature. I would stop it now. Go home. Leave. Enough. Bye bye. It is one thing to be psychotic or gravely disabled. Nothing about your description of her, indicates that she is. She is out of line. The minute she chose to accept the invitation she accepted the responsibility of behaving appropriately. As long as you have already had the conversation with her about your expectations. If you did not, it is on you. It is wrong of us, I think, to criticize the choices of our adult children in public if we have not made our needs explicit, beforehand. I would have been offended, too. What I am getting at here is that this is complex. As a young adult she has the right to live as she wants. To neglect her health. To develop bad habits. To be obese. To do pretty much anything she wants. But you can set limits about your interactions with her, if they hurt you, embarrass you or compromise you. I have told my son. I do not want to be around you while you are under the influence of marijuana. Not only do I not want it in my house. I do not want you in my home, under the influence of marijuana. He has the choice to use marijuana all of the time. If that is the case, I will never see him. His choice. My choice. Two adults. I do not care if your use of pot is legal. Or what experts may think. I do not care if you feel it helps you. Do it anywhere you want, whenever you want. In my house I am the only expert. I am the only law. Accept my law or leave my house. End of story. Thank you for the opportunity to spell out what is my evolving understanding of things of my rights and responsibilities of my 26 year old son. [/QUOTE]
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