More on cgfg

[Shari]

Cgfg was here this past weekend. She spent the last of her money (from birthday) on shells to shoot, and her grandma bought her 200 rounds. Which is good. For now, that's not an issue. I told the instructor to let me know if it became a problem. I wasn't going to volunteer to buy the shells right now, but I also wouldn't let her not shoot if no one else would buy them. He said he would.

Cgfg had been saving her money for a tshirt at the concert we went to Saturday night, but I bought her the tshirt and didn't say anything about it.

When I picked cgfg up Friday, they said her mom's new puppy died. They tie them out on long cables in the yard while they are gone and the 2 dogs could get together so they could play. The little one got strangled in the bigger one's cable. (grandma (mom's mom) found it. When I dropped her back off on Sunday, they'd bought another $350 puppy and another goat. They'd been to more flea markets.

She also took the schedule for homecoming activities and said she'd like to go to one activity this week, and then the game and dance, but she wasn't sure her mom would take her. I told her I'd drive her if she just needed a ride.

She hadn't been back at mom's 15 minutes when she text me to ask if she could stay at our house this weekend. Mom's planning on going to more flea markets and doesn't want to stay home to take her to homecoming. (mom will find a way to have her not be at our house, I'm sure, but this is the first time its ever even been discussed as an option). Checked with husband and said sure.

Last night, about 8:30 or slightly later, she text me and asked if there was a way she could just be at our house. She said she was doing her homework and they were watching tv and her mom told her to take the puppy out. She said she told her mom she was doing her homework, and that her mom went off on her for refusing. I have no way of knowing what really happened, but knowing her mom from the past, its something she would do.

We'll see if she still feels that way when she's here later this week. If so, let the fun begin. Ugh.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Its tricky, but as a teen... there are ways to address where they live, because at that age the child has some choice in the matter. I know of families where the Mom got custody, and one by one as the kids turned about 13 or so, they fought for the right to go live with Dad... and won every time. (He was definitely the better parent.)

 

[AnnieO]

Some places, the child has a choice in the matter. Seriously - the old judge told the world at large that O had had too much control over the whole custody mess... At age 14. He refused to entertain J's requests entirely. Also refused to so much as speak to the kids in chambers.

HOWEVER... If cgfg wants to live with you all... This is husband's battle, hon. All you can do is be there for support.

 

[Shari]

Step, much as I love cgfg, I'm not sure I really want to take her on. The chaos that goes with her. The lying and manipulating that she does largely because no one holds her accountable for ANYTHING. If she lives in my house, I can't just pretend all is hunky dory a couple days a week like I do now, and just ignore those issues. Well, I could. But it would not be good for Wee to see that sort of "stuff".

However, here I am. If she wants to come, and husband wants to fight the good fight, well...here it goes.

I can sleep when I'm dead, right?

 

[keista]

She is a Cdifficult child, right? maybe all of that negative behavior would stop if she had regular structure AND accountability. It seems like you really do enjoy her company.

 

[Shari]

Honestly, Keista, I think it would. She does it because she can get away with it. What little "limits" I put on her relationship with me? She has readily abided by. And when she had to earn video game time by doing her homework, it was never an issue. Not saying she'd be perfect, but I do think a lot of the bs happens simply because she knows she can. I do enjoy her. She's a neat kid.

I told husband last night, if he pursues this, he WILL be stepping up to the parenting plate. Big time. Because I will NOT have that sort of blasé stuff going on where Wee lives...if she lives here, I will not tolerate him pretending she is some sort of perfect princess that does no wrong. Things will be addressed as they come up and not ignored, or they can BOTH go live with his mama!

 

[Mattsmom277]

Wow Shari, if this happens it will be an adjustment for you all, to say the least.

I think if I were in your situation, I would stipulate to your husband that if he is going to go for full custody with her living with you all full time, that it be on the condition that whatever court order might come would ensure you don't all have MORE drama with the her mom. Very particular wording to specify everything that might come up. Visitation with her mom, pick up and drop up times and who is responsible, what if any decisions she can have input in (school, medical etc) and specific child support.

We no longer worry about it, but way back when easy child was small, there was NO talking to her father or his new wife. I had it specified that all contact be via email only and that there be NO disputes verbally or discussions in front of easy child regarding anything. He was allowed to pick up and drop off, a polite hello at most, no dialogue in order to protect easy child from hearing disputes.

 

[Shari]

Cgfg has already heard SOOOO much. Her mom doesn't even really go by the order they have now, except when it fits her.

She threatened to take husband "back to court" when he wouldn't pay "his court ordered half" of cgfg's softball expenses. It clearly states that was her expense...

We are friends with her ex. I'm actually going to start there. He got his daughter moved in with him with fairly little drama when she was a bit younger than cgfg is.

 

[Shari]

And I want to clarify...its not that I don't want *her*. Its that I really don't want the drama that the dumb___es around her create. Her mom's koi (the older daughter moved in with her dad and never went back to mom's until she was almost 18 except for Christmas and Thanksgiving). And husband's mom pulling her junk like she did with his nephew, that majorly contributed to his deliquent koi (it would have been much harder for him to skip school and smoke pot if he didn't have unlimited cash for gas and pot, and unlimited access to a car, and a grandma who over-ruled mom's every NO - I will NOT put up with that junk, I don't care if she is *JUST* my step-daughter. I won't have it. In this state, as a step-parent, I can be held just as equally responsible for that kid as her bio's...that kinda koi ain't happening.) That's what I don't want; not her.

 

[AnnieO]

Shari...

I know a bit more about the whole situation and... It has to be all husband. He has to do it himself. because honestly? He will let it all fall on you after a good showing.

I don't think cgfg is happy at her mother's. I'm pretty sure you agree. And you like her - as a person. Similar to the way I love O, but of course the situation is different. I really think the behavior would be better... Around you... But maybe not so much, husband.

I'm going to give you a suggestion I didn't want to hear, but I finally did it, and I'm doing better (no anxiety attacks, for one!)... STEP BACK.

Your husband needs to resolve the custody situation on his own.

YOU need to decide what you're going to do about the other koi. Don't let cgfg's well-being hold you in an untenable situation. I know you care about her. But... My husband stepped up. Things got better. If he hadn't... I would've had to let O and J go. And it would have broken my heart.

 

[Shari]

'Member when I told husband a week or two back to go home? He's been busy since. I rattled off an entire sheet of stuff that needed to be done that night and he is doing it. As in, still is. Probably 1/3 of that list has been addresssed in some fashion. Some of it is completed. I am still not sure that I expect it to continue, but this is longer and different than it has before, and he has made reference to needing to make changes without being ugly and defensive about it. That is more than he has done since things have been ugly. I'm not holding my breathe, and I won't take on this fight for him - he has to. And if he goes back to sitting his butt in the chair, he can go home. But as long as he's trying (truly trying - and what he's doing right now is truly trying), I will work with him.

I do get what you're saying tho, Step. And with her at her mom's, taking that big step back has been wonderful. I can go along with the parents who are ignoring that she's failing 2 classes already (maybe they don't even know - I don't know. Don't care. I'm not telling anyone.) All's hunky dory as long as I pretend I don't care/don't know, too! lol

That said, first thing I did last night when she text me? Read the texts to husband.

Second, asked if she was ok where she was until her time to be here again. She said yes.

Third, told husband what I said above. I will NOT live in that. So while I will gladly support this endeavor, there are my limits. Understand this is a deal-breaker, and we won't be co-habitating if he moves her in and continues double standards between her and Wee.

In fact, I left last night for a bit and when I got home, he had something Wee can't watch on tv, and had left the tv on in the kitchen, which is visible from Wee's room (he was watching in the living room). Wee had long since been asleep, so I'm sure he did not see it, but I called husband on it, and he jumped up and shut down the kitchen tv and apologized, and called himself out on the fact that he'd have gotten onto Wee for leaving the tv on, and here he did it himself. Definitely not the behavior that has become his norm when something gets pointed out.

And easy child 1 and I were talking last night, and he said he saw husband using the big truck over the weekend, and he drove it much more appropriately. He asked if there was something wrong with the truck. lol

I have no idea where it will go from here. None. And that's surprisingly ok with me, too.

And no, I will not stay for cgfg's benefit. I did for difficult child 1, because he didn't have parents that would even meet his basic needs. And I should have taken him and run long before I did. Cgfg, while being taught what I think are some pretty miserable things, has a home, goes to school, and gets fed. (and quite frankly, if husband and I split, I have very little doubt that either husband or cgfg's mom would prevent me from continuing a relationship with cgfg...)