On Wednesday when I got so mad at husband for sabotaging me yet again, and he thought I was saying I wasn't going to care about this particular thing, and I meant I wasn't going to care enough to ask him to be a partner in our marriage anymore. He told me at the time "I want to talk to you about this". I was so mad that I told him it would have to wait. We agreed to talk about it yesterday. Now mind you, husband does the dishes after dinner. This is his chore and he does it. He may or may not also clean up the kitchen at that time. He also feeds the dogs. About half the time he gives them water. In the Pacific NW, our lawn grows pretty steadily from March to July when it gets too hot. It still grows, but only in patches unless you have a good irrigation system, which we don't. I must always ask husband to mow the lawn. He usually doesn't edge it. I know he hates mowing the lawn, so I am always certain to tell him "Thank you" several times, and to tell him how much better it looks. The same thing with any little project that I finally nag him enough to do. I tell him thank you and how wonderful it looks and how nice it is to have it done. So, during our "talk" yesterday, husband tells me that he would appreciate it if I would tell him "thank you" for the things he does around the house. I reminded him that I do. He admitted that was so, but said that he needs me to "give him an 'atta boy' for the things that he does" so he will feel more appreciated. He agreed that it was not fair of him to not follow through on the things I ask him to do, or to not complete the job. He understands that it frustrates me when he does that. He says that the reason he sits there and says nothing while I am trying to talk to him about how to work it out is because he is afraid that he will say the wrong thing. I reiterate that there is no wrong thing to say, if he would just have an opinion on anything or participate in any way then I wouldn't have to guess. I also explain to him that in reality, he "wins" every disagreement we have because he rarely does what I ask, and when he does I have to finish it so I don't ask again. Then he shuts up and leaves me having a discussion with myself which ends up with me getting upset until he finally yells something along the lines of "OK - I'll never do anything again other than exactly what you told me to do!" and I feel bad about hurting his feelings (not anymore!). He seems to think he has been working really hard on not doing that since February. I remind him that he has done it 5 times in the last two weeks. But, of course, it his reason is that I nagged him about not doing something he promised to do. I remind him that he told me he would do something and then didn't. That I invested a lot of time in planning and discussing with him, sometimes even making a list or making him make a list so that there couldn't possibly not understand what I was sking him to do and all I have ever asked is "how can we make sure this doesn't happen again?" And he won't participate in the conversation on how it won't happen again, so he wins. It didn't get done, I finished the job myself, and I won't be asking him to do it again, whatever it was. So, the "talk" only reinforced what I already knew was true. I've been wasting my time trying to find a way to get him to do anything for me because he isn't ever going to change. No matter how many times he tells me that he wants to do what I ask and to keep me happy, he doesn't want it enough to change anything about himself. The only one who can change here is me, and all I can change is my expectations of him. And, as I mentioned in Adrianne's post on General, I am always the one who needs to apologize. HARUMPH!