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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 687471" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>TL, I am sorry for this disappointment. And I know how concerned you must be. You have been such a stalwart, with your husband, there for your son at every step of the way. No adult child could have asked for a better friend, than you have been. That is how it has seemed to me, these many months.</p><p></p><p>Two things come to mind. First, your son may still want to drink more than he wants to quit. I know that is simplistic but there is no way to help another person with this. While an addiction, I believe it is also a personal choice. You know that your son has got to want this to his depths. He will decide when it is time and follow through on his own. No matter how much we do want to do i with them, it does not seem to help. I know. I have been there. Yes.</p><p>That is so true but as much or more he needs to do this himself, so that he will own it, not you.</p><p></p><p>An amazing exchange happened with my son tonight.</p><p></p><p>He said: Mom. Why do you think that I never fell into hard drugs when so many others do, that are my age? (I will note here that my son is adopted. He was drug-exposed and both parents were addicts who died of Aids.)</p><p></p><p>Well, I said, not all that many use drugs. There are as many young people or more that are constructive and productive and go to college and work. (When oh when will I ever learn.)</p><p></p><p>Yeah, he persevered, but why do you think I stayed away?</p><p></p><p>It must have to do with self-esteem, I said. Because you chose to stay away from hard drugs. You decided. (That lately is my favorite word: Decide, and choice.)</p><p></p><p>No. He answered, I have low self-esteem.</p><p></p><p>No you don't, I said. In the core of you, you have self-respect and self-esteem.</p><p></p><p>No, he said. <em>I think it is hope. I have hope. Hope is a wonderful thing, Mom.</em></p><p></p><p>TL, you could have bowled me over with a feather to hear that word, hope, out of my son's mouth.</p><p></p><p>Now 27 my son in these past 4 plus years has been homeless in 4 counties, hospitalized for danger to self multiple times, etc.</p><p></p><p>And all of a sudden, he tells me he has hope, and that is what defines him?</p><p></p><p>I could not believe it.</p><p></p><p>Your son will find this in himself. I know it, because a little bit I know you. We love our sons, TL. I believe in love and I believe in hope. Go figure. </p><p></p><p>I know there are mothers and fathers who love their children who they fear may never, ever turn the corner. My heart hurts for them. I was one of them. And now I am not. At least for tonight. But I know that they can decide to change. I just know it.</p><p></p><p>TL, I hope you are sound asleep now and tomorrow you awake with hope, and the optimism and strength that define you. Your son will do it. On his terms, in his time. I believe that.</p><p></p><p>People quit alcohol. M, my SO, was a near lifelong alcoholic. He stopped for 19 years in the middle of his life and when I met him had resumed. A year into our relationship he stopped. He has had 6 more years without a problem.</p><p></p><p>I am learning, even, to have faith. What a kick is that.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 687471, member: 18958"] TL, I am sorry for this disappointment. And I know how concerned you must be. You have been such a stalwart, with your husband, there for your son at every step of the way. No adult child could have asked for a better friend, than you have been. That is how it has seemed to me, these many months. Two things come to mind. First, your son may still want to drink more than he wants to quit. I know that is simplistic but there is no way to help another person with this. While an addiction, I believe it is also a personal choice. You know that your son has got to want this to his depths. He will decide when it is time and follow through on his own. No matter how much we do want to do i with them, it does not seem to help. I know. I have been there. Yes. That is so true but as much or more he needs to do this himself, so that he will own it, not you. An amazing exchange happened with my son tonight. He said: Mom. Why do you think that I never fell into hard drugs when so many others do, that are my age? (I will note here that my son is adopted. He was drug-exposed and both parents were addicts who died of Aids.) Well, I said, not all that many use drugs. There are as many young people or more that are constructive and productive and go to college and work. (When oh when will I ever learn.) Yeah, he persevered, but why do you think I stayed away? It must have to do with self-esteem, I said. Because you chose to stay away from hard drugs. You decided. (That lately is my favorite word: Decide, and choice.) No. He answered, I have low self-esteem. No you don't, I said. In the core of you, you have self-respect and self-esteem. No, he said. [I]I think it is hope. I have hope. Hope is a wonderful thing, Mom.[/I] TL, you could have bowled me over with a feather to hear that word, hope, out of my son's mouth. Now 27 my son in these past 4 plus years has been homeless in 4 counties, hospitalized for danger to self multiple times, etc. And all of a sudden, he tells me he has hope, and that is what defines him? I could not believe it. Your son will find this in himself. I know it, because a little bit I know you. We love our sons, TL. I believe in love and I believe in hope. Go figure. I know there are mothers and fathers who love their children who they fear may never, ever turn the corner. My heart hurts for them. I was one of them. And now I am not. At least for tonight. But I know that they can decide to change. I just know it. TL, I hope you are sound asleep now and tomorrow you awake with hope, and the optimism and strength that define you. Your son will do it. On his terms, in his time. I believe that. People quit alcohol. M, my SO, was a near lifelong alcoholic. He stopped for 19 years in the middle of his life and when I met him had resumed. A year into our relationship he stopped. He has had 6 more years without a problem. I am learning, even, to have faith. What a kick is that. [/QUOTE]
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