mother in law has ALL of the answers to our problems- NOT

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Dara, Nov 5, 2007.

  1. Dara

    Dara New Member

    mother in law has decided that Sammy is perfectly normal. His problem is that he is spoiled and doesnt drink milk. I wanted to come through the phone and strangle her. She has told my brother in law on many occasions that she thinks we are making up Sammys problems! :grrr:
    My brother in law has always said why would they go to so many therapies and doctors and pay thousands of dollars to cover a lie!
    On another note, it seems that Sammys defiant behavior has crossed over to school now. Friday and today he was not listening and was disruptive in the classroom. I hope it is a case of 2 bad days but with how defiant he is being at home, I dont think so! :sad:
    On the plus side, we will be going to the Mayo clinic in either April or May unless they have a cancellation then it will be sooner. It will be at least a week full of testing and doctors poking and prodding his little brain...FUN! :nurse:
    oF course as an added bonus to my mood, I started at pain management for my neck, need another MRI. Pain is unbearable lately and the dog had surgery today...
  2. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Oh if mother in law thinks she knows it all let her have him for a weekend then see how it goes. Sorry I guess I shouldn't add fuel to the fire but it does make me crazy when people do that. Sometimes they need their own wake up call. Otherwise your other choice is not to discuss him with mother in law.

    Good luck.

  3. Dara

    Dara New Member

    mother in law spends zero time with Sammy. She spends every waking second with his 8 yr old cousin but no time with him. In fact, when we go out to eat with them, they dont even sit at the same table. If they do sit with us, she doesnt even look at him. It makes me so angry and sad. These are the only grandparents my son has....
  4. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    my mother in law used to say "hes just being a boy!" to everything he did. she thought we were drugging him because we didn't want to deal with his "obnoxious boy behavior". Until one day difficult child brought a hypodermic needle to school to scare some bullies when he was only 5 years old. The school lynched my son stating that several kids had bruises and it could be potential stick marks. My son had no contact with these kids ever, but the principal went to all the class rooms in the school and asked if anyone had been poked with a sharp object that day. 20 kids came forward, and all said they lied later except 2.
    I invited mother in law with me to the expulsion hearing of her 5 year old grandson. She saw first hand what we deal with in the school system (even tho he was only in kindergarden) and she saw how serious his irrational behavior can be (by bringing a needle to school). He since has brought several knives to school as well.
    p.s. hubby was in nursing school at the time (incase you are wondering where he got a needle).
  5. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    So, so sorry..........

    I think Sammy will get some helpful input at the Mayo Clinic. I have heard only good things about it.

    I would ignore the mother in law, just like you would ignore a stranger.......they seem basically the same in Sammy's life. Sad, but true.

    Hang in there.......
  6. pnuts

    pnuts New Member

    My mother in law & father in law are clueless. They are in total denial. Obnoxiousness and meaness (pardon the grammar) of the other grandchildren are socialy acceptable. They are aware of the years of therapy, doctors, school problems... still chalk it up to either my parenting skills or just a phase. When on the rare occasion that I let them babysit (mostly emergency), I have to remind them to make sure all of the guns, knives, alcohol, etc. need to be locked up when difficult child is there (and even easy child). I realize that these things should be locked up anyway in the real world...but this is their world. They drive me nuts. :hammer:
  7. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    So nice of mother in law to give EVERYONE her opinion!

    Drop Sammy off with no medications, all of his Halloween candy, a gallon of milk and go get yourself a haircut, see a movie, go shopping, have lunch with a friend, etc.

    Go back to mother in law's after 4 or 5 hours, hand her the bottle of Kahlua (to go with the milk that you dropped off and Sammy wouldn't drink! :wink: ) tell her "I'm sure you'll need this!".

    Take Sammy home and the job is done.

    Oh, by the way, make sure that Sammy eats about 1/2 the Halloween candy on the way to Grandma's house.


    If only you could be a fly on the wall when the "stuff" hits the fan!!!


  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    The title of your post made me laugh out loud!

    There is someone, I think, that every one of us knows that makes us cringe when they talk to us about our difficult children. For some of us, we are fortunate enough not to have to talk to them often (or at all anymore). For others, they are our in-laws or worse yet our spouses or something and it is almost a daily thing.

    I am so sorry. Understanding hugs. May she trip on a chair the next time she hurries to get to the "other" table.
  9. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Yup -- I've got a mother in law who said the same thing this summer when difficult child 2 was going through a medication wash and starting up the Depakote for his mood disorder, and things around here were, shall we say -- "chaotic".

    She said that his problem was that we weren't being consistent or firm enough with him. Ha! I just had to laugh to myself -- so bad parenting was why he has ADHD and something that looks a lot like Early Onset Bi-Polar (EOBP)! Man, why were we wasting all this money on medications and psychiatrists and therapy when all he needed was a boot up his butt and consistent rules?! Gosh! To think my years of college and a professional career and then parenting difficult child's were no match for her highschool education and years of cranking out 5 babies starting at the age of 18 and her two years of working at Walmart? How could I be so dumb and not have consulted her sooner? :slap:

    I know, I know -- you can't pick your relatives... but maybe I should have been a little more careful when I was contemplating my future in-laws!
  10. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    I have no advice about mother in law mine lives in New York and doesn't give her opinion unless you ask for it and then she's super nice but right now she's really sick so we won't talk bad about her even if I had anything bad to say. Before you get too jealous let me say I have went through a lot of the same over the past 2 years with my mom, my aunt, my grandmother, and my uncle. Holidays are so much fun. Just remember nobody knows your child like you do not even the so called experts!! You can get through this and when it feels like you can't that's what we're here for. love ya
  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    I went through very minor stuff with my own mom - this after her being one of the people to tell me her behavior was not right.

    These days I do not tell her much. I keep it to myself for the most part. Sometimes I vent to either BFF or boyfriend.

    I find it easier for Gma to enjoy her grandchild if she does not know everything she does.
  12. stepmom47

    stepmom47 New Member

    My mother in law thinks that it is difficult child's age also.
    When difficult child was on Concerta and she took them somewhere and he threated to kill himself and she thought he was just saying things...
    I was out of town and no one told me until I got back.
    I called peds and she asked if anyone had taken him to the ER?
    Nope...husband & mother in law thought he was kidding...

  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Dara}}} I think we've all encountered at least some family member or close friend who think they know our child better than we do - NOT. My entire ex-il family thought (still thinks) that I am a hypochondriac and made up all of difficult child's diagnosis initially. There I was thinking I was doing the right thing by 'filling them in' and 'keeping them apprised of difficult child's stuff' when in reality I would have been way better off keeping my mouth shut.

    Unfortunately, once difficult child was on medications, I had to be completely open with them because she would stay with them several times a year, holiday, etc. ANYWAY, difficult child was with them for a family event one weekend and the you-know-what hit the fan. Conditions were perfect: she had gone to sleep late the night before, missed a dose of medications, was up early the next morning, ate almost nothing all day except sugary junk, was running wildly through her aunts house with her crazy cousins and when exh went to settle her down for the night, she lost it. Total 100% meltdown. Exh called me in a panic - didn't know what to do. I talked him through it, she settled down, went to sleep. He called me back and asked, "IS she ALWAYS like this?" Well, duh, no, because at home she has a schedule and takes her medications when she's supposed to, etc. So, he finally got it and his family witnessed it as well. After that, I didn't have too many problems, but like a giant pink elephant in the room, they didn't speak of it much further.

    The less your mother in law knows the better for everyone. How can she possibly comprehend and comment on something she knows nothing about? Lean on those in your life who are supportive and understanding, even if it's not family. In fact, I have found most of my friends much more supportive over the years than my very own blood relatives. Hugs~
  14. I hear you Dara ,

    and I know exactly what you are talking about. We've had a long journey with difficult child and have sought help from family and professionals for years - as I know that most people on this site have. No one ever wants to believe that difficult child has issues. For years the school system professionals told us nothing was wrong with difficult child and he was just struggling having to stand in easy child's shadow and just couldn't fill his shoes. difficult child's first psychologist told husband and me that we needed counseling - not difficult child!!!! (she was correct, but trust me , we ALL needed counseling). My own Mom shakes her head, says nothing is amiss with difficult child and that he "rules our house". It's a tough road when no one, and I mean no one believes a child's parents. The more time you spend with a difficult child, the clearer the picture becomes.

    I agree, seek out those who have an understanding of exactly what your difficult child and you are dealing with...No need to share with those who can't and don't want to understand. They'll just work to convince you the problems are yours and yours alone. We're all working too hard out here to have to endure that type of treatment!

  15. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I know after reading all the above, you no longer feel
    my mother in law...but then again....let's not talk bad about the deceased. ... ... she nearly killed ant with "kindness"

    I like nvts solution.
    do it.
  16. Anna1345

    Anna1345 New Member

    Geez, it sounds like you are dealing with what I am. I know how hard it can be and my mother is the same way. Everything
    I do is wrong and if I just speak with him in a calm voice then all the other symptoms will go away. :rolleyes: How CRAZY is that! We just need to truck on through I guess.
  17. Dara

    Dara New Member

    My mother in law wants nothing to do with Sammy. I dont take her advice because most of it is ridiculous. I knew that all of you would understand this post and get a laugh out of it. It does make me sad that Sammys grandmother wants nothing to do with him because he doesnt deserve that! My mother used to make me insane but I know that she would adore Sammy and want to be around him so it makes me sad. I do know that the woman has absolutely without a doubt lost her mind! Most of the time, husband and I just get a good laugh out of it because we know that when it comes to Sammy, we are the only ones there for him and each other! Thankfully, I have a great board to come to here!
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I have nothing nice to say about my xmil. She doesn't deserve the credit.

    But I do laugh everytime I see that commecial where the woman is standing in the bathroom looking in the mirror and her mother in law is standing next to her and they are talking about cleaning something and she says "If I use that cleaning product will you stay away?"

    I LOVE IT.

    I guess if I had to give you ammunition for your mother in law it would be:

    "I didn't realize that it must be so difficult for you - raising a perfect son and all- to keep all that fantastic Motherly advice to yourself. Was husband's Grandma like this with you?"

    It's a whole lot nicer than yelling shut up and running around in a circle in front of her with your fingers in your ears.
  19. Dara

    Dara New Member

    They are now yelling at us that he is perfectly normal because he is going back into therapy 3 days a week. He will be taken out of his normal school and have to go to the day treatment center for therapy. But again, how mistaken we are. he doesnt have any problems whatsoever. He is just spoiled and doesnt drink milk. I do however think that my all time favorite one, well actually there are 2. and they are"
    1) mother in law "Its the turkey you give him"
    2) my sister "There is a blackness over the house"
    Those are perfectly logical explanations for all of our problems!
    How nice it would be to be that clueless!!!
  20. navineja

    navineja New Member

    Like most of us, I can relate too. My sister just thinks that I am too strict with the girls and they is why they are uncooperative and have tantrums. One of my best friends says that we are always "on them" about everything and if we would just let them do what they want, things would be fine! Within the first year of the twins being here, even husband said that he thought it was just the way that they responded to me and my discipline. So we came to the agreement that he would handle all discipline for the next week. It took about a day for him to do a 180 and recognize that it had nothing to do with who was doing the discipline, that it was any discipline or correction at all that set them off.
    We have gotten to the point where we just don't discuss these things with others, since no one understands anyway. And we try to handle problems at home as much as possible, even if it means leaving someone's home early or not getting to do something that we would do normally. Of course, the girls have come a long way, so we can do a lot more with others without them causing too much disruption.
    I am thankful that my mother is willing to back us up and even be the "bad guy" occasionally and babysit if one has lost a privilege and we want to go wherever anyway.
    Thoughts are with you. Hang in there.