Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by amazeofgrace, Jun 24, 2008.
Hmmmm.....so if it's your fault that difficult child 1 is on house arrest, is it HER fault that S2BX is an addict?
What a crone. No words of advice because I'd tell her to bugger off and it might be ugly. Sending lots of hugs though. Try not to let her get to you.....easier said than done, I know.
Yeah, as soon as she starts, just hang up. At this point, just end all conversation with that woman. If he wants to see his kids, let him call you and make the arrangements. You have no legal obligation to speak with that woman. If he gets verbally abusive, just hang up. You have to stop letting them get to you.
Sounds like my family. Ignorance is bliss, I believe is the saying. They call those people in our lives "TOXIC". Ignore it until it goes away- that is all you can do.
Sorry- for you and difficult child...
So glad you kept your dignity!
She's a witch! I'm sure that s2bx's problems are all your fault, too, right?
OK I know I need to not talk to this woman. Then why do you?She is the essence of evil. I told you this too didn't I? Now I am in tears and sick to my stomach. I'm sorry you allowed her to have control over you again.I am the bad person as usual. What? Did you think she will EVER tell you you're anything else? (YAWN) garbage in garbage out. SHe's garbage
mother in law was supposed to be taking difficult child II to my neice's graduation party, where S2BX would be out on a day pass. Supposed to be is the key word - she is not an honorable person and you don't know how to play this game well enough yet - I will be glad to teach you! It would be the 1st time difficult child II would be seeing S2BX since January. Yeah yeah -she's had this all worked out in her evil little head. mother in law is annoyed difficult child I can not come because he is on house arrest, and the court says he can only leave the house with me or to go to school or work. NO SHE'S NOT - she is a martyr and had this planned to MAKE YOU THINK she's annoyed and disappointed and did I say you didn't know how to play this game well yet? Uh huh - she's an amateur. I will help you!! And now says she can't take difficult child II either because it would be too inconvenient. BOLONGA - she really had this planned to make HERSELF alone with your S2BX (she's controlling) and if YOUR kid or HIS kid came to the party SHE would loose control of HIM - he would pay attention to his kid and NOW YOU come out looking like that bad guy and SHE's (drape hand over forhead) Poor little Scarlet in Tara. And "she's sorry S2BX will disappointed." NO SHE IS NOT - SHE's HAPPY SHE GETS HER SON ALL TO HERSELF.
Then she has the %#$#&%$% to say to me "I can't believe you allowed him (difficult child I) to be in jail for 7 days! Okay NOW I'm going to start teaching you how to play the game - SHe said SHE CAN"T BELIEVE blah blah you & son - YOU SAY "WELL I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ALLOWED YOUR SON TO DO DRUGS AND BREAK UP MY MARRIAGE AND LET HIM GO TO REHAB!!!!!! HE's ONLY 40!!!!!! He is a minor (he is 17)!" "you have the money, you could have gotten him out" WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR OWN SON OUT? "why was it he was allowed out all hours of the night, I thought you had control of your son?"YOU THOUGHT I HAD CONTROL OF MY SON? GHEEEEEEEEEEEZE LOUISE WHO HAS NO CONTROL OVER THEIR SON? DANG WOMAN _ CALL A KETTLE BLACK OR WHAT?
that after she accused me of lying to the child support people and not telling them S2BX had quit his job or that he'd given me a check prior to filing. WELL IF HE HAD A FREAKING JOB AND WASN"T A MOMMAS BOY HE WOULD BE PAYING HIS SUPPORT - YOU DO EVERYTHING ELSE FOR HIM WHY DON"T I JUST GET THEM TO HAVE YOU PAY IT? YOU LIKE BUTTING INTO HIS LIFE SO MUCH!!!!! I told them he quit his job and gave them a copy of the check he had given me. YOU DON"T EXPLAIN SQUAT TO HER! Which they gave him credit for. I also went out of my way to call them and tell them the name of the rehab where he is. She thinks I am lying about that too. IF YOU SAID YOU WERE AMAZEOFGRACE it would be a lie - the woman is incapable of comprehending the truth yet you continually feel the need to explain yourself and you do NOT have to explain to her a single solitary thing.......NUNYAH is a good word for you to learn to tell her.......NUNYA BUSINESS. I could vomit. If you do point your head at her shoes. She'll make a HUGE deal about what you did, tell the whole family and once again you'll be the bad guy, except this time - you got the satisfaction of puuuuuuking on her shoes.
Sad thing is, I love my husband, and his family ecspecially mother in law is going to enable him into the grave,NOPE - that's called CO-dependent - they can't live without a few key things. 1.) a common enemy (you), and 2.)each other but I will be blamed for it! BUT OF COURSE!!!.
Okay sis - listen - you have GOT to either find a way to bite back and get this out of your system OR.......IGNORE HER COMPLETELY - I mean as of TODAY you stop taking her calls - change your phone number, do not answer the door, make yourself unavailable and live your life without this menace in it.
IT can be done. After 13 years of kissing hind end, and doing things for my xmil that NO ONE in her own family would do for her, and listening to her cry, and whine and moan about how everyone of her kids was killing her and feeling sorry for her, trying to fix stuff for her - and STILL being the BUTT of all her jokes, all her anger and all her hatred - (they have to have someone to blame) I finally told her what I thought about her. I finally stood up to her and instead of cowering and taking her crud - I yelled back and told her that from this day forward if she had nothing nice to say then SHUT HER YAP. I was NOT her punching bag, and I wasn't there for her to verbally abuse - and if she couldn't be nice to me - then leave me the HE&& alone.
She said a few more things - and I said - very very calmly - FINE then I take that - as YOU chose to leave me alone - and I did NOT talk to her for over 9 years. She came to my house, told me she was dying - I told her that was too bad. She started to argue with me - I got up, opened the door and said very calmy "Get out - no one here wants or lives for chaos or drama, the rules were explained and I'm asking you one time to leave on your own. My next move is to call the police and have you removed from my home." She got up and left.
I never saw her again - she did try calling, I served her with an order of protection that covered myself, & my son via phone, physical contact, and mail.
She died - I never cried. I told Dude about it - he shrugged and asked to go ride his bike. She abused both of us. In a sense - by allowing her to control you and your conversations - she's abusing you and your kids as well. YOU are the only one that can hang up or over shout her on the phone and tell her you aren't taking it from her - SHE IS NOT GOD -SHE IS NOT THE DEVIL either, she is a woman who gets off on bossing people around, she's a common bully, she's a sick woman who has no business telling you how to run YOUR life. If she did such a fantastic job running her own life she wouldn't have to pick on YOU. AND SHE DOES BECAUSE YOU ALLOW HER TO. She's a game player, a minor league manipulator and YOU have GOT to find the means to tell her either STOP her games or don't call you.
You can live without her.
Probably be better off.
My sincerest hugs.
The last conversation I had with Useless Boy's crazy mother was when she accused me of teaching Miss KT to hate, because I had grounded her, and I replied, "It's called discipline...I don't want her to turn out like Useless Boy." She stuttered, and asked, "Well, would you rather she turn out like YOU, on your third marriage?" I pointed out that I had a job, I bought my car and my house all by myself, that my mama didn't hand me anything, so, if those were my only two choices, yep, I would much rather she turn out like me. I agree with Star, you can't let them get to you.
Wow- Star, you are rough!! But, right!!
Toxic- that is the only word for things like this. It is in my family and breaks my heart more than anyone can know- especially now that it is effecting difficult child, too. But, the ONLY answer is to realize that they are toxic and quit trying to please them or get their approval and go on with your lives.
(I'll be contacting you, Star, right before we need to phone my family again)
Grace- I don't know your X, but I'm not surprised that he has issues if he was raised by someone like that. You might want to hold that thought until you know if he can see what his mother has done and how it has effected his actions. Not to make excuses for him or lead you to enable him- but it took a lot for me to see what kind of person I was because of how I was raised. I;m just suggesting that you be sure of things before making "permanent" decisions.
It's called CALLER ID.
Star is my new Mouthpiece !!! Darn she is good... Your mother in law makes makes mine look sweet and innocent.
I am lucky compared to you!
I am sorry, you really don't need her. TOXIC is right.
And mother in law continues to put S2BX above her grandkids!!! Unbelievable - to hurt difficult child I so much just because she thinks she is angry with you. She is very selfish - Next time tell her, "Your son messed up his life so bad, where were you to prevent that? Don't tell me how to handle my kids. If I wanted them to end up like their dad, I would be asking for your advice more often."
Ahh I'm so glad not to have any contact with my outlaws. The fact they've ignored my kids since their dad and I split (18 years ago) is sometimes a good thng, even if it hurt my kids. But, I have my brother, who loved to say things like, "how's the little mental patient?" when Youngest was in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) a couple years ago.
I did want to share with you a site that a friend of mine runs...
I think I'll join that website.
And I'm hiring Star to deal with my mother in law.
And yours sounds like the wicked witch of the west...is she having any luck finding any more acting gigs with that??? (maybe you can pour water on her and she'll melt. Worth a shot.)
You know - I'm not tough. I'm not rehearsed. I'm just me. I'm me AFTER therapy.
My ultimate achievement with that family wasn't necessarily getting out - it was letting them know by ignoring them - I had forgotten them and they ceased to exist in my life. Their opinions no longer mattered, and whatever they had to say was not worth hearing. They didn't get to me anymore. They were - at best. Laughable.
It's on the order of living well is the best revenge - except when you get to a point with people like this that you have drawn your line in the sand and established boundaries - and when they cross them - you no longer give them a reaction - it IS priceless. I no longer wanted revenge - I just wanted them to truly fade away and leave me alone.
Don't let her opinion count for anything in your life. YOUR opinions should count in your life. When they do? You will feel a lot better about how to deal with her.
LOL I love the website, I just sent Occupational Therapist (OT) to my sister in law who is finally divorced from S2BX's brother.
Star, you and I think SO much alike!
Amaze, you said, "I definatley see where her son got his "nasty streak" from. Seems my difficult child's have managed to inherit it as well."
They didn't inherit it, they learned it. And part of that learning is the way you respond to it. You need to learn at the Star Academy to let it wash right over you and then roll back over those sending it.
When nastiness is directed at you, you have a choice. You do not have to accept any of it. You don't have to be nasty and throw it back, you can just choose to not take it on board, to see it as all totally irrelevant.
It needn't matter whether it's mother in law, S2BX or the kids - YOU DESERVE RESPECT. But you must first show that you respect yourself. Then show your kids that you respect them, but they must also show respect to you.
Never let your kids see you not being respected. Never let your kids see you accepting any of this rubbish on board.
If, at some stage in the future, S2BX (or GFGII) castigates you for failing to ensure that they had a chance to meet, then do not accept any of the responsibility for this failure. mother in law had the responsibility for following through; she failed. What were you supposed to do? And if you had done what they feel you were supposed to do (ie drop everything and be a doormat) then what sort of message would that send to EVERYBODY about consequences, meeting your responsibilities, being consistent?
Stand your ground. Be strong. Be assured. Be the person you are - someone worthy of respect and being treated with respect.
That is the best thing you can do not only for yourself, but for your kids. Become the sort of woman you want your sons to marry and treat like gold.
Call it what you want, Star! It looks like you will never be unemployed as long as this board exists! Now, if you'll stick your phone number up here, I'll have all my calls from my mother automatically forwarded (my bro doesn't call anymore since difficult child told him he didn't want to live with him and that he wished he hadn't stirred up so much ****), but shoot- maybe I'll go ahead and send you his phone number just so you can keep him in line. And while we're at it, difficult child could use a little help locating his father- I think he really just has a few things he'd like to say to him- it doesn't appear that difficult child is fantasizing anymore about having a relationship with his long-lost "dad". Maybe you could relay a few things to him for me, too.
I know, I know- letting go is so much healthier. And we have gone on with our lives- but, boy, it sure is hard sometimes to forget. Know what I mean???
Now I feel guilty- I think I have just hijacked a thread. I'm sorry-
Could I borrow your corner, Star?
And, I agree, Marg- one of the most important things we can do for our kids as well as ourselves is to respect ourselves.
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