mother in law visit

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, Aug 9, 2012.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    So mother in law is visiting this week. She and brother in law arrived last Thursday, brother in law left on Saturday and we are driving mother in law down to LI either tomorrow or Saturday to spend a few days with her sister in law there. She will fly home from there.

    H hasn't taken a day off since she's been here, but I took the week off. I mainly took the week off to prevent her from snooping too much, to be there for the dogs (because she hates them) and do some things with her.

    It's been an illuminating week. The woman, as you've heard before, drives me nuts. She is a bit of a pill and acts old even though she is very capable. However, aside from that, I've had that not give a darn attitude and it's enabled me to ask her questions about herself, her life, her experiences, etc. I think father in law was always the talker out of the two and she was somewhat stifled. Anyway, she shared with me some interesting things that have enabled me to feel compassion for this bitter woman...and creepy at times - she has a tendency to stare without saying anything and it makes for very slow, uncomfortable conversations at times. But that aside, I learned that father in law didn't like her talking to other men; through her grief support group over father in law, she was finally able to grieve for the loss of her teenage son from about 35 years ago. She said she held it in and tucked it away and never really grieved, but she has learned how now and she said it was cathartic and enabled her to then grieve for her sister she lost about ten years ago and now father in law. WOWOWOWOW. My heart ached for her...holding in the pain of losing your youngest teen son? How do you do that?

    So, each day we do something and we've had some decent conversations. I even broached the topic of what she feels her next move will be in terms of living arrangements. She said she would want to live near brother in law in PA or here near us, depending on how it works out financially. Then she even asked me to take her to see some senior housing places! Holy Moses! So we did. And yesterday while I was at the doctors, a woman from an assisted living facility called me about an event they were hosting last night and got mother in first I was afraid, but it turned out well. mother in law wanted to go, so we attended a cocktail hour and an outdoor show. mother in law was very impressed with the place. I think it's out of her price range, but still...the very idea that she is open to looking at these places tells me, or rather confirms for me that, her son/children do not know their mom very well.

    Yesterday we walked though a nearby town and looked at shops, then had lunch at a nice place. Today we are going to make appts to see some apts. This morning, however, I am going over to see my mom and mother in law and I will do that later.

    I do not feel so apprehensive about having mother in law move nearby anymore. Not in our house, but nearby. I got a little nervous the other day as I spotted H looking at homes with mother in law apts in them. I thought we finally put that crazy idea to bed, but apparently he is still nursing the idea.

    H. Hmmmm, H has been a really big giant jerk all week. He is working and not spending any time with his mom, except in the evenings to watch the Olympics and then falls asleep. He hasn't take any time off to spend with her and when he comes home he is downright nasty and crabby to ME. mother in law will be sitting out on the patio before dinner and H will stay in the kitchen with me, just to badger or pick on stupid little things with me...I keep telling him to go out and spend time with his mom! And the worst is that he's being a complete jerk but then later expects me to be ready and willing in the bedroom! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! So he wanted to change the day to drive mother in law to LI from Friday to Saturday. I told him I won't be going if we go on Saturday. I need at least the Sunday to recuperate before heading back to work on Monday. His head almost blew off his body, lol. And he said, "that's BS! Can't anyone ever do anything for me?" I had to pick my jaw up off the floor, really? I took this week off, losing a total of 7 vacation days to stay home and entertain his family...grrr.

    Aside from H being an ass, it's been a decent week, however. I am tired and it hasn't been a vaca by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm glad I stayed home to spend time with mother in law. If she ends up moving here, I think it was important for me to get to know her better. I will have to hide all the gum when she is around, however, because she is an awful gum chewer....I see where H gets it from now!
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    What an uplighting post, H&R. I'm really glad for both you and mother in law that the beginning of a bond resulted from this week together. It sounds as though you were the ultimate hostess and daughter in law. Truthfully I have to say that your husband sounds like a chip off the old block. In fact that may be why he has been mother in law's favorite.

    It's particularly uplighting to know that mother in law eagerly attended the function with you. Really it sounds to me that she recognizes that it's time to "reinvent" herself and become an individual after decades of being "the wife" "the Mom". That's a mighty big task and I wish her well. Having you for caring support should really help. Hugs DDD

    PS: My Mother spent her entire life being known as X's wife. My Dad was extroverted, attractive and popular. Mom was always beautifully maintained and supportive. Sadly, however, she never had a friend of her own. It was such a waste as she was attractive, educated, gracious etc. etc. but solely lived as an extension of Dad and of the kids.
  3. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I think it's WONDERFUL that you've had a chance to really get to know her. See, being the parent of a difficult child comes in handy.......learning to figure out the "why" behind behavior. I am so happy for you.

    As for husband, I would have said, "fine, I'll go back to work tomorrow then and YOU can take the day off to take care of your mother! If taking a whole week off to care for your mother isn't 'doing anything' for you, then YOU do it." I'm sorry he's being such a jerk. If you had to guess, what would your diagnosis of him be?????
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I think it's pretty fantastic, for both you and mother in law. You just never know, maybe this is the beginning of a totally new and pleasant relationship with her. :) Good for both of you.

    It's fairly easy to see someone like that, then look from the outside at their life....and think wth do they have to be that way about? And then be overly critical simply because you can't see it to understand it. Honestly, I think it's human nature to do that....although most of us don't mean to.

    I think it's great that she's opening herself to new experiences and opportunities. You might be shocked when the caterpillar comes out of it's cocoon and you see a totally different person you thought you knew.

    My mom shocked me. I found out the other night that her main fear of being in assisted living is that they'll take her funds. Uh, no. That's not how it works. Hopefully in person I can explain it to her. U also think she's confusing senior apartments (which we have tons in this area that are both reasonable and nice) with assisted living. If it weren't for her thinking she has to turn her assets over to them, she'd hop at the chance........hmm. Would be good for her actually.
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Lol. Aside from ADD, I think he has a co-diagnosis of chronic oblivion and highly contagious self-centeredness.

    We looked at three more apt one was around to show us one or answer questions, so I told mother in law I would follow up on Monday. Two were eliminated because she has too high an income. I strongly urged her to consider the assisted living properties again due to the fact that as she ages, she will likely need more care and if she is already in a facility, we won't have to move her again. I think she is deluding herself into believing that once she can no longer live alone, she will move in with us. Not.

    I'm going to call the people at the two assisted loving facilities and find out if she comes in just under the necessary income, do they have any other options or assistance available.

    God it's been a long week. I visited my mom today and it was a very nice hour.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Please don't forget that you "must" check the government rules for assets. I surely can't advise you but I know for sure that her assets will be explored going back for either three or five yeras. It can make a major impact. Hugs DDD
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I know DDD and I explained that to her today. She makes too little for assisted living in most communities and too much for senior housing.

    I hate to complain, but H just informed me that we will be going to fire island tomorrow. I asked easy child to PLEASE smother me in my sleep tomorrow. Seriously...I would rather have root canal than go there with H and mother in law.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hmm... H&R? I've never heard of an assisted loving facility... what exactly do they provide for services?
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hahaha, IC, they are very loving at my mom's nursing home. I can only hope they are as lovely at the assisted living places as well.

    I wonder what exactly would be involved in assisted 'loving' though....never mind, I don't want to think about it!!!
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Selfishly (and with moral justification) you want to keep on top of this to protect your house. I'm guessing that the deed transfer might be considered asset distribution. Sigh. DDD
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Yes, you are correct, ddd. I keep reminding H of this but he doesn't realize the implications. Sigh is right!
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Well who among us us would have ever thunk you would have had a better week with your mother in law than your H? CRAZY......

    Anyway I'm glad to hear a smile in your writing and that sense of whit shining through - with just a tad of abraca cadabra that lets me know in a blink you COULD turn old mr. give it to me now into a toad with the wave of your wand......(wink)

    Hugs to you dear you're an incredible I mean woman.
  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Well it seems that mother in law may have just been playing me this week...a little bit. Today when we were leaving her I told her I'd follow up with the two places she was interested in and she halted a bit, then told me to wait and she will let me know. Wth? Also, while she was talking with a neighbor of her sister in law's, I was standing there when the neighbor asked mother in law if she thought she was going to settle on CT to be near us (they had been discussing mother in law's next move) and mother in law hemmed and hawed and kept glancing at me and then....she said, pointedly, "This is H&R, my daughter in law" and the woman said, "Oooooh, hello, nice to meet you". After that, I wandered away so mother in law could say what she obviously didn't want to say in front of me. Oh well. Also, while we were all hanging around after dinner last night chatting it up with H's aunt and uncle, I kept catching mother in law staring at me, just staring at me, as if studying me. And again today, but not saying anything. It's so freaking creepy!! Here I thought we had broken some barrier and made great strides...maybe after a week with me she's decided she would rather move to PA or CA. H, of course, is still pushing to have her here. Oh and also, she probably mentioned something about one of her friends loving with their children about five or six times, hint hint. I kept evading and turning it back to the apts and assisted living places. No way was I going there with her. Uh Uh.
  14. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I was walking the dogs this morning when a thought occurred to me. Maybe she realized that if she lived nearby that *I* would be the main caregiver overseeing things...H proved he would not be readily available to her. Hmmm, something to think about...or not. Lol.
  15. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    One thing to consider here is that she was a "foreign object" to you this week. Think about it: She came there for the week - both of you knowing how you didn't get along too well. The two of you are basically left to your own devices - she's probably just as confused as you were. Perhaps both of you are totally on the same page? "Where did this woman come from? I never saw them drag the pod into her room?" lol!

    Me personally? While I'd be guarded, I'd keep the communications going. Send her a card in a couple of days and let her know you enjoyed the visit and you look forward to the next one based on how much fun you had THIS TIME. See what happens. Not for nothing, people DO change - she could be as freaked out about your "transformation" as you were about HERS!!!

    Either way, I wouldn't over think it - I'd just enjoy the fact that the week off wasn't as horrendous as you expected :)Beth
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Another (although I hope very remote) possibility is that your husband has said things to her when they were alone that has her "on guard". Yeah, I know your husband is not a "bad" man. on the other hand it is not unusual for adult males to "present" differently to their Moms. As much as it pains me to admit it (just here, lol, not to anyone in our real life) I do believe that my adult easy child son has said things to his wife that wedged us further apart. More than likely true things like "Mom can't understand why you would eat McD's for lunch and dinner and not cook healthier food for the kids." Yep, stuff like that. Even things like "my wife is just not comfortable staying at your house, Mom". Yep. Men often don't think before the speak. DDD
  17. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Well, DDD, I know that is definitely true...for example, while I was trying to help mother in law understand that she could still maintain her independence loving at a senior residence within an assisted living facility by keeping her own car...H told her that she wouldn't need her car and would be able to take the facility bus when she needed to go to the dr, store, etc. I wanted to clock him! She finally got independence from father in law controlling her life for 58 years...maybe we should instead be encouraging her to enjoy it a little before taking it away again! Yeesh!

    Also, the day we arrived at fire island, I realized I didn't pack an item I need. So we walked to the stores and I found one...when we returned and they asked where we went, instead of just saying I needed to get something, he told them exactly what they item was a private item and I would rather he not share the info. The room went silent...confusion set it and I just left the room, it was so weird.

    H is a good man, he really is. I love him, I know he loves me, but the bottom line is that men and women are different and men and their mothers are strange to me. I don't get it...likely because I only have daughters, I don't know.