Mother in law...what to do!!!?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by lovelyboy, Feb 23, 2013.

  1. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Hi all....sorry I have been out of circulatiin for a while! I had my first 2 chemo sessions.....and its horrible, but hanging in there for the kids sake!
    Please give me some advice on a mother in law matter:
    A few months ago I overheard a conversation between my mother in law and her brother....(she by accident phoned me on her cell and didnt notice it was on voicemail :( )....I overheard her saying the most horrible things about me......even that I try to shift my responsibbilities of looking after my kids on others ( I have NEVER left my kids with nobody, not even for 1 night....but she said this because I had a neck fusion and was looking for an aupair to help with transportation)! But infront of my hubby and others, she pretended for 20 years to love me to bits! She always told me I am her faviourite, how hard working I am , what a great mom I am, exct! All this she critisized in her conversation behind my back! When my hubby confronted her she this isnt true...I played hubby the voice mail...this hurt him so much...I met with her, had tea and long conversation.....I told her I will not be able to trust her again and wont be able to have a meaningfull relationship with her....but I will always respect and treat her well for my husbands and childrens sake....So she keeps on phoning me, wants to visit, exct. I didnt return her calls, maybe once or twice, because I cant see the meaning of more pretend...she wants to carry on as if nothing has happenend, still telling me how much she loves me exct.
    So last night she phoned my husband, told him that she gets the message that I am ignoring her, that she isnt wanted and that she is braking all ties with our family and will NEVER bother us again....My husband was very sad and upset!
    So I was thinking we need to go to her house today and sort this out? That I will tell her that she will not be able to have a relationship with me and that I cant trust her? But for the childrens sake and my
    husband sake, she must stay a part in the family?
    Please be honest, am I being to stuburn? What would you do in this situation?
    Ps...My children was very upset by her...oldest told me she told them I might die when I was in hospital! I want to confront her about this ass well!?
    Thanx for listening!
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    First of all, the LAST THING you need is stress while fighting cancer! I realize this is painful for husband but in my humble opinion his sole job right now is to protect you and set clear boundaries with his mom. He can explain that he loves her but right now his wife and kids urgently need him and this cannot be about mother in law for even one minute.

    I think your feelings are your feelings. Not right or wrong. That had to be shocking. She could have been having a bad day but still....she owes you time to build back a relationship. And it probably won't be the same ever. husband can explain to her that you simply need to eliminate all conflict and lower stress so you can heal. That you want her in your family (for husband and kids sake but you don't need to say that) but she needs to understand that you were deeply hurt and felt betrayed. There will be a new normal, but for now could she please just be supportive of your family's need to get through this serious illness.

    Please lean on husband, explain that this is too much right now.

    Sending you boat loads of healing energy and love! Dee
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Buddy is right and I suspect that jealousy is the root of the entire event. I bet she does NOT really think these things about you, but needed some attention from someone and picked you to pick on. She may do this with everyone! She needs to be the center of attention....and guess what...she is now!
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Whether she believes them or not or just acts two-faced depending on her audience, YOU need to take care of YOU and eliminate the stress. No, I do NOT think you should have to confront her right now. Your husband can handle her while you rest and heal. This time period is not about HER, it's about YOU.

    Hugs and take care of yourself.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are in such a stressful situation and very sorry I don't have a solution to offer. Certainly I admire you for taking the high road in dealing with such shocking and unexpected circumstances. Is it possible that she is aging a bit and feeling vulnerable as your unexpected illness could alter her sense of personal security? If she has "loved you to death" for years "maybe" this change in behavior is part of her personal fears for her future.

    How you handle the situation is certainly up to you and your husband. I suggest that your health be the number one issue and my oncologist as well as my reading strongly encourages the avoidance of stress. With my life that is almost impossible to do but my older sister decided she didn't want to talk to me again because I voted for the wrong Presidential candidate! We had one fight in the 1940's when I was five. Then...whammo! There are only two possible explanations. My sister has new mh problems or she can't face that I may not live longer than she. Either way strange unexpected things happen.

    Find an agreed upon course of action with your husband. It is reasonable to limit visits for awhile to maintain your strength. When you do visit keep the conversation on "normal" topics and leave if there is an indication that the mood is going South. I wish you the very best. It's a rough time for the whole family. Hugs. DDD
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Right now, hon, you need to worry about yourself and your immediate family.

    I tend to agree with busy on this. She was most likely wanting some attention and it backfired horribly on her. Happens.

    The thing is with people who are like this? Most people figure it out in short order and take whatever they have to say with a grain of salt.

    I'm doubtful mother in law meant a word of what she said. Now she is hurting because she hurt you when she didn't mean to and she can't fix it. Natural consequences.

    Perhaps at some later time when you're past treatment and well and strong again you two can mend the relationship to some extent. (I'd tell her as much) But right now you have more important things to focus on. As for your husband, this can be a hard thing to learn about one's own mother, but odds are it's a long standing pattern of behavior and if he looks back over his past with new insight he'll see evidence of it and not take it quite so to heart.

    Focus on getting better.

  7. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    I would let your hubby go over to her house and discuss this with her. She is the one who stuck her foot in her mouth, and now is all indignant that things between the two of you have changed, even to the point of cutting your family out of her life. Thats just shameful behavior :( considering you are in a battle with cancer.

    It stings when someone you are fond of makes remarks like this. I have had to tell my SO, who I have been with for 19 years, NOT to tell me anything his mother says about me to him or else I was never going to go with him to see her ever again. She is on a constant littany of complaints about my spending habits, how many times a week we "ate out", even down to his wasting HIS money buying me jewelry I didn't wear. Little petty things, but bugs the heck out of me.

    Try and not let her stress you out as that is the last thing you need right now.

  8. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Thanx all for your loving support!
    It was very stressfull, but we went over....she cried alot, feeling sorry about everything exct.
    I said all I wanted, she said what she wanted and bottom line we told her its unrealistic to think she can cut herself off from the family...She can still visit be part exct but the relationships have changed. I told her she is causing me more stres by trying to disengage and that for me to get better and have less stres she needs to just " act the part" and partake in a platonic but respectfull relationship with us.....She was happy, we did what we could from our side and now we will see what happens! Hopefully just live in pease.....:)
  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    well I'm glad you got some clarity with her and stuck up for yourself! now on to healing!!! sorry the chemo is rough. when you are well, you plan a trip here, ok? even if it takes till our kids are grown, I'm determined to meet you! Hugs
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Way To Go! Good luck! DDD
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well, you certainly took the high road by going to her house. in my humble opinion, SHE was the one who should have made the first move, because you have cancer, plus, she's the one who messed up to begin with. And then she catastrophized.
    I hope things smooth over.
    Don't think about it at all any more. Just keep yourself rested and well-fed.