Mother is upset with me because i wont let disrespectful adult child come home

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Confused1976, Aug 24, 2017.

  1. Confused1976

    Confused1976 New Member

    Ok i am new to this so please bear with me. I am a mother of 6. I have a 23 yrold son (oldest) then 21,19,17,& 6 yr old daughter and also a an 8 yr old son.. My oldest is where the problem comes in.. Currently my 8& 6 yr old live alone. And i have tried various amount of times to take my oldest son in. Eaxh time he disrespects me and want s to enter my house high all times of the night disturbing me and the little ones.. I am mentally and physically exhausted.. I am at my wits end with him. So i had to tell him he is welcome to come over eat, take a shower, and possibly spend the night if he is sober and in at a decent hour. But he no longer live with me.. But my mom says im treating him wrong. I am currently not speaking with her because of a big falling out we had over him . i love my son dearly but i also have to think about my 6 and 8 yr old.. Why do i feel so guilty?
     
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You feel guilty because you have been fed a load of bovine excrement and so far you have swallowed it. Don't feel bad, lots of us have. It is hard to let our adult kids go and be adults, especially when they show no signs of actually wanting to do so.

    Your primary responsibility is to your minor children. Your oldest is a grown man. He is high and wants to come into your home? He can go get a motel room. Your mother is WAAAYY out of line in my opinion. Your oldest has absolutely no business being high around you or his siblings!!! Where is his respect for his family? Why are you supposed to support a full grown adult who has enough money to get high? If he can buy drugs, he can pay for food and shelter for himself.

    Every single penny that you give to someone using drugs ends up helping to support their habit. If you house them, then they can spend their money on drugs. If you feed them a sandwich, that is $5 they can spend on drugs. I know that is harsh, but it is also reality.

    Your son is sick with addiction. Sadly, it is the only disease that infects the entire family and tells them they are not sick. Please, I beg you, go to AlAnon or NarcAnon Family Meetings. Post here and read, we understand. You are feeling the FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt. I know I sound harsh, but I know you cannot just cut him off 100% cold turkey. I don't even mean to go no contact. I mean you need to detach in a loving way and give him as little financial support as possible. You cannot control what your family gives him, but you can control what you give him. Alanon type meetings really can help with understanding all of this.

    Reading the article on detachment posted at the beginning of this forum also helps a lot. I can recommend some books that are helpful also. At least I found them helpful.

    Let your Mom have her opinions. Know that allowing your son to move back home would do worse than just hurting you. It would seriously harm your younger children. It also would hurt your son. Plus if CPS (Child Protective Services) knew you let someone who was actively using drugs move into your home with your very young children, they would get involved in your life and could take your kids away. CPS is super unpredictable and they don't have to have a provable reason to take your kids. Their workers just have to say they see an imminent danger and then they can take your kids. Usually the CPS workers are fresh out of college with very little training and changing their minds once they decide your home is 'dangerous' is very difficult. In my county it is usually several months before you can get your kids back.

    I would use the threat of a CPS investigation to keep your mom off your back if you just cannot handle her nagging. Or else tell her that you would allow someone who is high and disruptive to live with your minor children about the time your head spins around like that girl in the Exorcist movie. If your son not having a place to live is such a big deal to your mother, why not send him to live with her? It seems like she is very concerned, so she should be glad to have him stay with her.

    Either she actually will have him come stay, and then she will realize why you don't want him in your home, or she will change the subject. If she tries to change the subject, tell her that until she wants to live with him, she can stop telling you that you have to baby a full grown man.

    Why does someone have to provide a home for him anyway? He is 23. He should be working. I can see helping him if he is in school or is disabled, AND he is not behaving badly. Given the getting high and coming in at all hours in a way that disrupts everyone, he wouldn't get help from me. So why isn't he able to support himself?
     
  3. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Yep. I agree. Hang in there Confused. Your instinct is right on target. You could consider asking your mother to house your oldest since she doesn't seem to mind the substance abuse issue. Your two young children and YOU have a right to feel safe in your own home.
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome:

    I completely agree with the advice you have been given. Helping your son is enabling him and he will never stop the drugs if he has the type of help you may normally give to a 23 year old if they were in school etc.

    You are doing the best you can. Get support for yourself and be good to yourself. You are on the right track!
     
  5. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Don't let other people who have no idea what they're talking about influence you. As has been stated, tell her she's free to have him stay with her if she wants.
     
  6. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Love your whole response. It refueled my dead battery too!
     
  7. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    If it helps, it doesn't matter what you do, someone will always judge you.

    I've encountered people who can't believe the things I've done, the things I haven't done, the things I want to do... Only you can decide what's right for you.

    Good luck.
     
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  8. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Explain to your mom that you don't want your younger children to develop anxiety disorders because of the stress their older brother causes them when he is in the house.
     
  9. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Tell her to take him
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Agree with others. Invite her to take him in on her dime. Bet he would be out in a few months with a newly understanding mother.

    If not, you are an adult now and dont need your mothers approval anymore. She raised her kids her way. Its your turn now. She is being unfair and is clueless.
     
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2017
  11. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Thats why i dont speak to anyone who had never walked in our shoes, they dont get it
     
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