Motherhood-What Was I Thinking?

[DazedandConfused]

It was one of those days. Actually, been having lots of "those days" around the Dazed house these days. It's been a while. I check the forum often, but most days just too exhausted to type, share, and support.

Constant fighting between between my difficult children. Constant yelling and physical fights. Constant arguing. Fighting over the dog, phone, and computer.

Constant resistance to any helpful guidance and parenting.

(yeah, I know, welcome to the world of difficult children)

I'm about to ring Son's skinny little neck with his big mouth and attitude. Nothing I do helps. Nothing. He just doesn't get it. He screams and yells (right now he's demanding to know where his book is. Yeah, like *I* would know).

Then today, Daughter loses it in our driveway. I guess some kids laughed at school when she hit her head the other day and they brought it up again. She hates her school, and frankly, after what she has been through there(it's a saga) I really don't blame her. But, she is trying to graduate early to get the heck out.

She has some girls threaten her and she felt one of her friends betrayed her by not standing up for her.

So, I pick her up from school (rushing from work, mind you) and she starts in about socking one of the girls that threatened her. I tell her that is not the way to deal with this and she goes off telling me she doesn't care what I say and what I do about it. She's pushing it and she knows it.

She and I were going to a WW meeting at my work and I was rushing to get us there. I decided to drop her off at home because I could tell she was going to be in a very bad mood and, honestly, I just wasn't in the mood to have her pop off in front of my co-workers and embarass me.

I also told her no phone calls while I was gone (we are having major phone issues. Like staying up in the wee hours talking on the phone). Daughter has a friend that she has a real love/hate/tons-of-drama relationship and I KNEW she was going to call her (she lives in another town) and just go on and on about these girls.

Well when I said "no phone" Daughter completely lost it. She began to block me when I tried to get back in the car and then started pushing me. She decided since she couldn't have the phone, she wanted to go to WW with me. Daughter commences to SCREAM and yell "I want to go"! and grabbing me. When manage to get back into the car (with her running to the car and try and get in before I lock the door) she screaming and yelling pUtting on a freak show for all the neighbors.

I manage to get in the car and lock the doors (I just wanted to get away!) she gets behind my car trying to block me in (all the while screaming). Then, when I begin to back out anyway, she tries to hang on to the side of the car. Then once I get into the street, she stands in front of the car trying to block me. I quickly put it into reverse and swerve around her and make my getaway.

Why? Why? Why? Does my life have to be this way?? I had a wacko for a Father and now my kids are wacko like him. I know I'm being harsh, but dang it all anyway! i AM A GOOD PARENT!

Testing, medications, and specialists. Meetings, plans, and therapy.

Whatever. My home and my life is like living in a sanitarium.

These kids better so get their acts together at 18 because if this type of nonsense happens then, their bags are packed-gone! I simply won't live my life ONE NANO SECOND this way any longer than I legally have to!

My santuary is my job and my new little dog who is the sweetest thing ever. She brings me such comfort and the closest thing I will EVER have to a easy child. I cling to those two things to help perserve what little sanity I have left.

Well, like Scarlett O Hara says: "Tomorrow is another day!"

(Oh, shut up, Scarlett!)

 

[Shari]

Hey. Good to see you.

No need to apologize...I think most of us have been at both ends of the posting spectrum. At least I have.

I wish I had answers for you, but I really don't other than a get-away, but I know how hard that is to arrange.

Did you make and enjoy your WW meeting?

 

[Wiped Out]

Dazed,
I'm sorry both difficult children are being such difficult children. Your day sounds exhausting and it sounds like you have had many similar ones. I like Shari's idea of a getaway if you could arrange it. Sending gentle hugs your way.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Geeze, what an episode. I can't believe the whole scene on the driveway and the street!!! Your life was playing out like a tv show. No wonder we haven't seen you for a bit.

Hey, if you want to take Raoul and escape to the islands for a few days we will understand! Honestly Dazed, living with all the drama on a daily basis means you need some respite. Anyway you could take a break for a day or two?

Sharon

 

[mandcc96]

Hi Dazed, I'm new here but I live a little of your life everyday too (minus the real world job part...I'm stay at home mom right now). I thought I was the only one who felt like ripping my hair out every time my two were going at it. And I remember only too well the embarrassment I felt watching my middle daughter chase my in-laws car up the street crying and screaming hysterically (while all of my neighbors watched ... pardon me while I crawl under a rock!) cuz she wanted to go with them. I kept hoping I was sleeping and I would wake up and these things wouldn't really be happening to me. You say all the things I want to say but never really have the nerve to say. For one, I'm sure you are an excellent parent. You have to be for it to be so frustrating and hurt so bad. There are so many times I want to shout that out. I too am a good parent!! Regardless that my child is trying to prove to you otherwise by being a complete mess at the moment. I feel for you with your little dog too. My third (and last) child who is now 2 is the sweetest little thing. She has major health issues but that doesn't stop her from making us all laugh together (which on some days isn't easy to do!) and by making us stop fighting (she'll actually go to her sisters and put her hand out to them and tell them "STOP". If they don't, she'll hug them to get them to stop). I don't know how I would do it if it weren't for her on some days. She gets her sisters to think about their behavior and it's effect on people in the house...I certainly can't do that LOL! And with 5 of us living in a house that's just under 1,000 square feet I'll take all the help I can get. Anyways, thanks so much for taking the time to share everything. It's comforting in a strange way to know that I'm not in the journey alone and other's good days (and bad) are a way to feel connected to the sane world. I'm sure I'm not the only one who can completely understand where you're coming from. So thanks again. -Chastity

 

[slsh]

Hey Dazed.... you survived the day. Honestly, there are days when survival (with sanity intact) is questionable... so I think you did good!!!

The best part of this post was that you went ahead with plans for yourself in spite of daughter's (really impressive) meltdown *and* you remember to appreciate the easier parts of your life. Very healthy, in my humble opinion.

Hope today was a better day!

 

[Marguerite]

We long ago stopped worrying what the neighbours think. We talk to them often enough so they are used to us and know we're harmless. I've also found that if I'm unsure how the neighbours are taking it all, I occasionally cook a batch of something yummy and drop some in, "because I have a bit left over". It also gives me the chance to reassure them that my kids are sometimes noisy and often upset, but are still perfectly safe and harmless (to them).

It's amazing what people will forgive in exchange for some neighbourly handouts.

Marg

 

[Andy]

I am very brand new to this. Not sure what all the initials mean (difficult child?). I have a 17 year old daughter who has always been a handful - I wish I would have done things different as she was growing up. She hates me to no end. However, she is a good person and not too many people have seen her ugly side so I am sure eventually she will be o.k. (just have to wait to grow up) My current issue is my 11 year old son. I love how a previous poster stated you have to be a good parent if it hurts so bad - or something to that effect. Life with these two has had plenty of hurt days. I just don't know how to get my kids to obey. We are starting to look at an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) for my son (possible scrupulosity). I am asking for a test before increasing medications based on that diagnosis. He gets so stubborn - not quite to the degree of ODD but heading that way. We talked about ODD at his last counseling appointment. He became scared and asked what it means. I told him that if he continues to choose not to obey me, we will continue to have arguments and ugly times at home. It got him thinking. We are now working on a list of things he can and/or continue to do to become the person he wants to be. I think if he can focus on the good things in his life and the good person he can be, it may help fight the bad times? I am hoping this forum will help with ideas. What to do during the crisis? I know the kids do not want to behave as they do - it is as if they are feeling trapped at the moment and don't know how to calm down and listen? And, what are ways to prevent?
I will stop rambling on and read other threads. It seems like this forum will be a great help to me.

 

[ML]

Your post touched my heart. I am reaching through cyber space and giving you a great big hug. I'm really sorry you had such a suckky day.

I have been known to soften the hearts of the players in my difficult child's "villlage" as well. I've made chicken soup for a teacher's cold and sent extra nice holiday gifts in appreciation for extra tolerannce and acceptance for the crazy life drama they life with. I'm just filled with gratitude.

Thinking good thoughts for a better tomorrow.

xo ML

 

[ML]

PS Welcome Adrianne.

 

[Marguerite]

Adrianne, welcome. To get the best response, you should start a new thread all to yourself. Posting here, you could get overlooked, which would be a pity.

difficult child stands for "Gift From God" (the child that brought us here to this site) and while you're working out what to do next, grab a look at "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. There is some discussion on this around this site including in early childhood, but it applies to all ages. I've been known to apply it to the local Dept of Ed district!
Adrianne, from what you describe, i think this book can help you RIGHT NOW. A lot.

DazedandConfused, how is your daughter today? Is she till wanting to punch in the head of the other girl? She needs to find more creative ways to get her own back. Such as - success. In the meantime, tell her to write on a piece of paper all the mean things this girl has said and done to her, draw a caricature of that girl, then take the piece of paper out into the backyard and set fire to it.

It should make her feel a lot better.

Also, she does need SOME time to talk to her peers about this. Maybe you could discuss with her, at a calm time, who she should talk to? Or set a time limit? Trying to switch off what is almost classic typical behaviour for a teen girl, especially at a time when she feels most in need of support - I think any typical teen would have raged also. I know both my girls would have. At her age, parents stop being the main person the child confides in, and we take a back seat well away from the action. It hurts, it really does, but maybe if she can just talk to you AS WELL? And maybe discuss with you what her friends advise. Maybe you can workshop the options (including the "punch her head in" option) and work through the likely outcomes, so she can de-stress and also learn some healthier ways to handle it.

You acknowledged to us that you don't blame her being upset - does she know you feel this way? I remember having problems at school with a deputy but feeling my mother didn't understand because she kept telling me to not criticise a teacher, ever (I wasn't permitted to complain to my mother) and yet, years later, she told me how upset she was for me and how she agreed with me that the teacher was being unfair. If only I had known... even if she had said, "I know the teacher is being unfair, but she is in a position of power and you can't say anything, she could make your life even MORE miserable if you make trouble for her." But at least I would have known my mother supported me, instead of feeling like I had no support at all from anyone.

The screaming rages - I don't pay any attention to them while the kid is raging, because it's all coming from anger & frustration. A child who CALMLY says, "I hate you and I will leave as soon as I'm old enough" really worries me, because if that statement is being uttered with careful calm thought, the child is way beyond caring what you think (for real). I think your daughter DOES care, very much, but was very angry (at a lot of things) and was trying to make you feel as bad as she does, as part of her misguided communication.

It's AFTERWARDS that I usually calmly discuss the rage and how unproductive it was, then we try to find more effective, nicer ways to communicate the same thing.

I never punish for an angry rage. It generally brings its own punishment, much more effectively. But I do welcome apologises when the child is calmer. But not if I have to ask for them.

Hope things are better today.

Marg

 

[DazedandConfused]

Thank you everyone for your understanding, compassionate, and kind words, everyone. It's amazing how comforting they are in times like these.

Daughter is really having a bad time. At this point, I'm thinking about what I am going to do. I think about all I have done and it feel like it was for nothing. Who knows? I suppose maybe she would be worse off. But, all that occurs to me is more therapy and medications. She's been off medications for about six months, but even with medications she still had horrible times like this.


Today, her "drama" friend told her "I don't want to talk to you anymore". Yesterday, she said the same thing. They have only been friends a very short time. This girl lives about 30 miles from us. How did daughter meet her? MySpace-truly the scourge of the earth. A friend of a friend type of thing. Daughter struggles so with relationships. This girl is 13. Daughter is 16 1/2. Though, I have met the girl and she's more sophisticated and Daughter is definitely emotionally younger. The friend is a drama queen like Daughter and gets mad easily and Daughter is devastated and goes into a emotional meltdown. She's desperate to "hang out" with her. Finally, I told her that because I am starting to think this relationship is unhealthy for daughter I won't be taking her over to her house. When I told Daughter that yesterday morning, she started screaming and crying and freaking out.

So, this morning, her desperation in wanting to get a hold of this girl to find out why she is upset was the straw that broke the camel's back. I took the phones. But, then Daughter attacked me trying to get at them. She didn't hurt me, and frankly, I have no fear of that because I'm much bigger than her. The intent wasn't to hurt me, it was to get to the phones. While she's on top of me trying to get the phone, I'm thinking "this can't be happening". I dealt with her as calm as I could. Yesterday, when she melted down I said to her, "Honey, look at how you are acting. Don't you see? This isn't healthy. Friendships aren't like this". Then, she calms down and agrees. Then, I tell her that I won't take her to this girl's house because look what's happening and because I am her Mother, and have ONLY her best interests in mind, this relationship needs to be curtailed. Daughter then agreed that something is wrong and that she is obsessed. She's never been obsessed with a person before. She wants friends so desperately, but she's over reactive that she just can't seem to function in a normal healthy way.

Daughter is typical that she's to prefers to be with her peers. Yet, everyone she befriends and spends any length of time with, eventually becomes alienated. She can't take being joked or teased for the most part. Eventually, everyone that is with her over a period of time, becomes an ex-friend. Daughter is emotionally fragile and kids sniff that out like a shark smells blood. Daughter has been the victim of horrible teasing and vicious pranks by schoolmates. She gets so upset and, of course, many kids delight in that.

One of her last "good friends" made at comment that Daughter was "so desperate to make friends". Daughter freaked out and that was the end of that.


To answer your question, Marg, yes she is well aware that I know how much she hates her school. We tried to transfer her earlier this year when a "friend" made a horrible myspace about my Daughter and it got over the whole school-humilating Daughter. It's a long story and I really don't want to get into details because it was so awful. The SD refused because the HS daughter goes to is on a block schedule and the other HS are not. Plus, they're simply not enough spots. So, daughter faced this nasty and sociopathic group of kids that did that. Then, she has enough credits to graduate early. She couldn't do that if she transferred. I let her make the choice. The girl that was ringleader in the whole Myspace epidsode is beyond anything I have ever encountered. Vicious. She called Daugher in the middle of the night (this was right before the Myspace thing) and told her that Daughter had thrown a chicken bone in the trash (daughter had spent the night with her and another girl at this other girl's house) and the other girl's dog got a hold of it, choked on it and died and it was all Daughter's fault. Daughter wakes me up frantic the next morning. We had to go to the other girls house and see for ourselves.The parents were shocked because their dogs were fine. So, we are way beyond drawing pictures and burning them. I WOULD BURN THAT CHILD MYSELF IF I COULD. AND I WOULD DANCE IN A CIRCLE WITH ABANDONED DELIGHT WHILE THE FLAMES GOT HIGHER FOR WHAT SHE HAS PUT DAUGHTER THROUGH.

Talking to peers? I don't know. Her peers seem to be the problem.

I hope this post makes some sort of sense. I'm deciding my next move. I worry for Daughter. She's a good kid. Doesn't get into trouble at school and can be very responsible. However, she has this side when it comes to personal relationships that really has me concerned for her future. She wants to go to college and wants to be a teacher. But, will she be able to get along with colleagues? All of this races through my mind.


Inspite of this, I really do try and keep my life going. I'm sure you all know how difficult that is and yes, because I have difficult children, there are many more sacrifices that have to be made. Some days I resent it bitterly, and other days I'm okay with it. We all have our burdens in life and I count my blessings. I so much want Daughter to find her place and her sense of self. I've always supported her when she wants to try something new. I have tried to be encouraging and applaud her accomplishments.

I'm a really good Mom. Really good. I've been told over and over. Doctors, therapists, and specialists. I would have thrived with a Mother like me.It seems to have not made one ounce of difference. It doesn't matter.

I'm guess I'm feeling a bit hopeless.

 

[DazedandConfused]

I also wanted to extend a big Welcome to Adrianne. This place is my sanctuary. I shutter to think about what my life would be like without it.

 

[Marguerite]

That is absolutely a horrible thing to have happened to your daughter. And clearly, it's just an example and not the whole thing.

The piece of paper thing - a friend of mine did that with her daughter at age 10, as a way to begin her recovery from years of sexual abuse from her stepfather. You can do it for small things, you can do it for big things. However, my friend's daughter was less volatile and less desperate than your daughter, so I can understand your reluctance to try it.

I really hope your daughter can graduate out of this mess - success is her best defence as well as her best revenge.

You really do seem to be doing the best you can, under the circumstances. I hope you can keep her safe and as grounded as possible until she can graduate away from these nasty little creatures. Maybe all you can do for now is support her and keep her studying through this waiting game.

One day she will have friends, when she is older and the people who befriend her and who she befriends are older and more compassionate. In the meantime - painful. I'm so sorry.

Marg