Mothering my 2 adult daughters

[BusynMember]

I'm such an emotional mess. I've been on the verge of crying all day today. I just don't understand how my daughter can be so cold to me. I'm not like that, but she is. I blame myself for this and I don't know how to make things better. I don't want to let go of her. I love her very deeply. But, do I sit around and wait for her to throw me a bone? That's basically how I feel when she does talk to me - its brief and surface talk then she doesn't call me for awhile. If I call her, she's too busy to talk to me and makes me feel like I'm bothering her. I don't think I should be waiting for her all the time, on the other hand, I don't want to play games either. So I don't know , I just don't know.

First of all, to Nancy, short and sweet and terrific advice. I second that.

To original poster, it is NOT your fault. What somebody chooses to do is HER decision. And it could be as simple as she has her own life and is very busy. They, with their young children, have less time for us than we have for them. Please don't take it personally. And you can probably make it better just by taking ques from her. If she wants more space, let her have it. I have a daughter in college who I think I personally feel makes the sun come out in the morning. My connection to her and love for her and admiration of her is over the top...I love all my children the same, but she is the one with my favorite personality and drive. Days go by and I don't hear from her, but I know she's in college and busy. I cherish the moments she is home. But I know I did my job because she is doing so well ON HER OWN in a college environment. You did your job. Your daughter should not need to talk to you all the time.

I get surface talk too. Our yonng adult kids, I have found, at least for me, are most apt to tell us things when they are upset and need some comforting. Day-to-day life is no longer our business. those long heart-felt conversations I had with my daughter when she was fifteen and asked for them are taking hold...she is navigating the world well and is able to make good decisions now often based on what she learned her first eighteen years. But her priorities right now are the anxiety of classes, sports and her college friendships. She still feels close to us and always says she loves us, but long talks about what happened every day she saves for her friends. As it should be if we did our job right. And if our grown children are normal and moving toward independence.

My advice, which is in the spirit of "take what you like and leave the rest" type, is to live your life. Find new hobbies and interests. If you are married or have a SO, enjoy him. If not, find a few or a group of lady friends...if you go to church that is a great place. If not, there are many groups for almost any interest. Do not depend on somebody else, your children/grandchildren, to make you happy. Just as we, when we were young, did not want our parents clinging to us as we tried to fight our way to maturity, that is how they feel. They need to be free without guilt from us. We need to be free of being too needy of them.

If it turns out your daughter is being a PITA on purpose, giving her space will help, not hurt. If she is trying to hurt you in any way, groveling is the worst thing you can do. Trying to force her to talk to you too often will lower her respect level. Going on with your life will at least show her that you HAVE a life outside of her and she may relax her PITA behavior. Even if not, she will respect you more for not clinging to her.

I am a big wuss and always cry when my daughter has been home from college then drives back. It's silly, really, but it's how I am with her. I also cry when I have visited my older daughter in Illinois and have to leave. Yesterday, my daughter had left after coming home to have her car fixed (Dad is a mechanic). We hugged and hugged and she kept saying, "Mom, it's ok. Not like you'll never see me again" lol.

I felt down for a few hours after she left, then used my coping skills that I learned in therapy to distract myself and get back on track because life goes on and a young woman is driving back to school to plan her future.

It is actually unhealthy if our grown kids depend on us too much. I do know about getting ignored. One child, whom we adopted at age six, abandoned our family...now for eight years. I'm doing good!! I had to learn that I can not force him to be in my life and that the best I can do is to have a good life of my own.

Mothers were made to have our hearts broken. In some way, our grown children are going to leave us and we are now a very mobile society. Some of our grown kids will move across the country and we won't get to know our grands very well. It is what it is. That's life, especially in the U.S. It is not going to change because we wish it to change. We have done our job and deserve a wonderful retirement in which we finally can feel ok being selfish.

Do something great for yourself today Even if it is only eating a double scoop chocolate fudge sundae. Or taking a long walk and enjoying nature. Or visiting somebody you haven't seen for ages. Or hugging your dog or cat or going to the humane society and making an abandoned lonely animal wag it's tail. The focus is on YOU now and you are free. And, once you get used to it, it feels pretty terrific, in my opinion

 

[Nancy]

I am a big wuss and always cry when my daughter has been home from college then drives back. It's silly, really, but it's how I am with her. I also cry when I have visited my older daughter in Illinois and have to leave. Yesterday, my daughter had left after coming home to have her car fixed (Dad is a mechanic). We hugged and hugged and she kept saying, "Mom, it's ok. Not like you'll never see me again" lol

MWM I must confess I am the same way. My easy child is 28 and just moved an hour away. She lived five minutes away before and I went there every day to let her dogs out because she worked long hours. I often brought her laundry home and did any other chores she needed. She never asked me to do that I just did it on my own. When she transferred jobs an hour away I was so sad. I didn't know what I would do with myself. I got over it. I still wish she was closer but I have coped fine and filled my days with other things I enjoy. I even started excercising, walking 3 miles a day, and I feel much healthier and have lost about 10 pounds.

MWM is correct, it is our job to raise our kids and send them out into the world. If they want to have a relationship with us that's great but if not then we still owe it to ourselves to make a life for ourselves. My mother never did that and I felt responsible for her happiness until the day she died.

I hope you are filling your days with me time.

 

[BusynMember]

Nancy, I feel like a kind of board freak. I always missed my PCs more than my difficult child. While he HAD to get attention. There was no way to avoid it, I tried soooooooooo hard to spend even more time with my PCs because it was such a good experience.

It is good to know I'm not the only one who feels sad when a easy child adult child has to leave. I feel more normal now...lol. Thank you, Nancy. Thanks a lot.