Mothers Day.... Tears not joy

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by ColleenB, May 7, 2016.

  1. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    How many of you feel terrible leading up to Mothers Day?

    I am dreading the onslaught of social media posts about wonderful children.... And amazing moms.

    I feel like I didn't get it right already, but Mother's Day just makes it more painful even.

    It isn't going terrible, but when I tried to talk to oldest son tonight about his job search you would have thought I was a horrible person. I haven't asked in at least a week, and all I see is him sleeping all day most days. He says he plans on getting a job and moving out. Maybe he will. I hope he will.

    It's the disdain he talks to me with, like I'm such a terrible mother. There is no thought to the day tomorrow. I will not get a card, or any other acknowledgment.

    I guess I wouldn't care so much if I didn't feel so hurt about how much he hates talking to me... It's like I'm a leper.

    I am up in my room just crying for the lost relationship. I never knew how hurt I could feel until the past few years.

    Just needed to put it out there.
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You can make this any kind of day that you want it to be. Some choose to ignore it all together and make it just another day. I know women who choose to spend it with a group of mothers who also won't be spending it with their kids. You could go out with hubby. You can spend it shopping for yourself and treating yourself to something you have always wanted.
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  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Yes find a way to enjoy the day despite your kids. I figured I would not hear from my son today and was counting on seeing my daughter.... Then last week she told me she was going away with friends for the weekend! I was very disappointed and had a little pity party for myself for a few minutes. I texted back and forth with her and I am going to meet her for breakfast Wednesday......I felt good I didn't give her too hard a time because really she just finished finals and it is good for her to go off with her friends.....

    And so my husband and I are going out to dinner and a movie today and I am going to enjoy my day.

    Had another nasty round with my son yesterday (an apology, then asking for money, then nasty when I said no) I don't expect to hear from him today.
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  4. rebelson

    rebelson Active Member

    I'm sorry you're so upset, Colleen.

    There have been so many years now, where my son has not acknowledged birthdays or Mother's Days. Honestly, if one put him on the spot, I don't even think he knows the exact DAY (he would get 'March' correct) of my birthday.

    In fact, this past birthday-March, he actually called me for something (ha! likely $) ON that day. I was patient, listening, thinking 'ahhh,maybe it's coming? the wish?'. Not so much. At the end of the convo, when it was pretty clear that the birthday thing was just not gonna happen, I was so tempted to say 'hey? do you know it's my birthday today, right now?' But, I did not. I thought 'what's the use?' Here again though, like I posted in TheWalrus's thread about 'can we ever just be done?', I said nothing and was fairly unsurprised and unfazed. Maybe I should've taken that opportunity to 'joggle' that part of his brain and said at least something like 'you know what? it's my birthday and you haven't wished my a happy birthday in years...come on dude, wrong!' But, I didn't, I let it go.

    I don't think that he does this on purpose, I think he is just clueless right now, of coming OUT of himself, and thinking of others.

    Happy Mother's Day to you! :mothers_day:
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  5. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Sending hugs to you Colleen. It's still your day. Do something that will make you feel good.
  6. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Colleen, you are worthy, it's not your fault. Love yourself and know that each of us make mistakes but none of us deserve children as addicts. I was gonna post a Mother's Day post but then I saw this. This is not forever, there is hope. Never give up and believe! ((hugs))
  7. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    Thanks.... I actually worked today at the youth shelter and since most of them have zero relationship with their moms, it may have been exactly where I should have spent the day.

    I couldn't sleep last night, so I did text my son because I saw he was out still and it was like 3am. We ended up having a good "text convo"

    For some reason he can be kind to me in texts but not so much in person.

    I still am worried for him. He doesn't seem to have plans beyond the next day. I don't know when we draw the line? We are not giving money, but we do pay his phone and car. We told him that would run out the first of June, but now husband is waffling. We are so scared he goes back to dealing drugs. But I know this isn't helpful .... He needs to be responsible. I guess it's taking us time to get that. We have been patient with him getting off drugs ( but is he????) and trying to come out of the depression. It's all so hard to know how to navigate.

    Thank you for letting me vent.... And of course no cards..... Husband did make dinner and had our family over. It was nice. Still wish my boys would have said " happy Mother's Day" even.... Sigh
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Colleen. You have not lost the relationship. This is a process.

    Your son cannot stay the same, in the same sort of relationship he has had with his mother. He is growing into a man.

    He has been telling you through his behavior that he wants to emancipate. The drug use is a sign of wanting to make his own choices, even if, especially if, they are contrary to what you would choose for him or yourself.

    He needs to solve this himself. By doing so he will define himself as an adult, a man. He cannot be your baby anymore.

    However much as it hurts you, the reality is that the sooner he handles this by his own wits, with his own resources, the sooner he will be able to return to normalcy and to an easier relationship with you.

    But he must solve this.

    Right how, the dynamic that might be going on, is the feeling that he has failed you. In a sense, this is working for him because he needs to create distance between you. Because this is developmentally normal. Really, he is failing himself. The relationship that counts is between himself and himself. That is why he is the one who needs to fix this.

    Every single one of us here on the board to some degree or another had to recognize that we needed to make some distance. Temporarily.

    Try to forgive yourself and forgive your son. This has nothing to do with you as a mother. Your son is still there. He will return. But he has a developmental mandate. To become a man.
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  9. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Coleen, would it be possible for you to read Darkwing Psyduck's thread? It is here on SA. I think he calls it something like "From the Other Side". He was addicted, and he posts about what it was like from his perspective. And why he talked the way he did, and what that felt like. And how much he loves his people. And what it was like to battle it every day when he could not feel joy.

    It helped me very much to read that post.

  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he is selling drugs (or don't know either way as my daughter told me that if you use you also sell) his not having to pay for his car won't stop him. That's not why they sell drugs. They do it to have money to buy drugs. He is nowhere near responsible if he isn't thinking about his future. He is thinking like a drug user...get by, do as little as possible, hit the folks up for money. Giving any addict money never helps them stop using. Just gives them more money to do it.
    The decision to change their life has to come from them. They have to be sick of it, like my daughter says she was. She sold some drugs. She wasn't a big time dealer but according to her if you are an addict you sell some drugs. Since I never lived in that world, I don't know if she is right or if that was just within her drug using group.
    One thing I'm sure of is that nobody with a kid living an iffy life knows the truth of that person's life. They don't tell us unless/until they straighten out. Then we at least we're shocked at the types of drugs our daughter used and that she sold. We didn't know. None of us do. We can't even guess.
    I hope your son is truly on the right track. I still remember how awful it was. Best wishes.
  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So sorry for your pain Colleen. You do not deserve this; none of us do. I can tell that you are a very loving mother.

    My Difficult Child surprised me a bit. He had asked his dad to buy me flowers because they were too expensive to send. My husband won't make him pay but I was touched that he was thinking of me. He knows how much I love flowers. He called me to wish me Happy Mother's Day and he said he mailed me a card and that I would get it today. I felt that maybe he realizes a little bit how much I've done for him since now he is not living at home. He was always thoughtful though so I don't think it's too far a stretch from when he was at home.

    Then he texted me last night from work and said - I wish I could have a beer after work but if I do I'll be homeless. - EEK!!! He is in sober living. Whey is he even thinking this and why did he text me this? My husband told me not to freak out but I did freak out. On a good note at least he is thinking of consequences I guess. He works at a restaurant and I'm sure he sees lots of people having a beer and it seems normal.

    My reply was that he needed to stay away from everything. That he had goals to achieve and none of it is good for him. How do you tell a 20 year old he can never have a beer? His problem was benzo's but it's a slippery slope.
  12. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Maybe, he needs to hear something like: This is true. But I know you can do this. It will be okay. I am proud of you.

    And then, add "I love you."

    I think that might be what he needed to hear. They share their innermost thinking with us, because I think they don't know how frightening it is for us to hear it.

    But it is frightening to hear it. That is why it helped me to write down what I needed to be saying. Sometimes, especially at first, it was really hard to say words that sounded so cold and artificial. I did it anyway though, and I think it was the right thing to have done.

    There is a link at the bottom of my posts that gives us phrases to use, RN. It helped me to write them down and keep them by the phone.

  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Colleen, I have the same issues with my two. It does hurt to have our own treat us this way. I am so sorry for the pain of it. I think it was Copa who wrote that her son does not define her. There is so much to that statement.

    I do not think our relationships are lost, just altered. By this I mean our children grow up and choose. Their choices may take them down a very different path than what we ever imagined. It is a difficult journey to watch up close. Our lives as young mothers revolved around our children. Almost everything we did was for their wellbeing and future. It is love and sacrifice to the greatest degree. How does one remove oneself from such a powerful thing? I think when it starts to go south with our d cs, we become entrenched in the chaos of it all. It becomes a desperate situation, so hard to let go and let God. We are convinced that if we lay down our lives, they will get better. It may work for some, but not for others. Nothing good comes of desperation.
    So the relationship has to evolve for everyone's sake. There is no way to tell you how to do this. At some point, you will figure out that your life matters very much and that you have value beyond the choices your sons make. Try to take little steps to declare this, to own it. By doing this and making your best effort to live well you are showing your sons by example how to live.

    I am glad for you TL. Hold close to your relationship with your husband.

    I did not hear from my two yesterday. That is their choice. I know I did the best job I could raising them, if they choose not to celebrate that, oh well. My Tornado has been whirlwinding in and out, she even thought she would move back in with the kids. Was very upset with me when I told her she needs to go to a DV shelter, then the next day declared she was "working it out" with Volcano and they would get counseling. The chaos continues. If she calls or texts, Hoku says "She just wants something" which turns out to be true. I will not fall prey to the game. It is what it is.

    This rings so true. Men are so very different from women. Looking back on the past few months, I realize my hubs was pushing me away. I think he knew somehow deep inside that his time was coming. It hurt very much, but I think in his own way, he was trying to prepare me for life without him. Perhaps your son understands that he needs to go out and find his way and he is preparing you. The method is not so desirable, but, he is telling you something through his actions. JMO, but I think the longer we hang on, the more outlandish the behavior.
    Your son needs to know that he is capable and that you will be okay with his leaving. You need to know this, too.
    You are a good person and a good mom. You will figure things out in your own due time. Try to do something nice for you, and be kind to yourself. I know how hard this all is. You will be okay, and so will your sons.
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  14. Nature

    Nature Active Member

    I'm sorry for the pain your heart felt and it is true that our children don't define who we are. You and all the other moms out there are strong, brave, kind , fantastic, loving women. Cheers to all the warrior moms out there who despite their breaking hearts give back to others that also are walking this path.
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  15. rebelson

    rebelson Active Member

    My son is in residential treatment and he did not call me yesterday. I was not surprised.

    He did call me this morning to tell me he was being taken to the eye doctor today. Apparently, Saturday night, he slept in his contacts and one of them got stuck, requiring him to peel it off his eye. So he called me to ask if I could cover the co-pay when he was at the eye MD's office.

    Even today, he did not wish me happy Mother's Day. I hope yours turned out nice Colleen:).
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It really is sad that some adult kids dont care about us enough to at least remember special days. With Bart I know it is forgetting,not malice, but it would be nice not to have to remind me that on Mothers day I want my grandson to wish me happy mothers day (yes, I have no problem telling him to have junior do this) and then to Skype with my grandson. Bart, as smart as he is, is really bad about holidays and birthdays and doesn't try to remember, so I remind

    The thing is, my other three plus one (Jumpers boyfriend) were planning Mothers Day on their own. Princess lives in another state just like Bart, but never forgets a holiday call from her and Buddha Baby.

    I raised all four of my kids the same. We always celebrated birthdays, mothers day, graduations etc. The only one who doesn't continue that tradition is Bart. I think it is how he is...He has many good traits and is independent and professionally successful, but he is more selfish than my other kids. Genetics? I don't know. It just is. In his case it is not drugs and not because I won't give him money. And I know he loves me. Go figure.
  17. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I don't agree that he is being "selfish".
    Some of us just don't "get" the whole "special days" thing. I really try hard to do birthdays. Beyond that... it takes way too much organization and planning to keep track of and get cards and gifts and phone calls and... whatever else for planning and coordination. I just can't do it. Life is already too complicated.
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    IC I don't think he is intentionally being selfish. He doesn't care if we don't call, say, on his birthday. We call and he says, "yeah, ok" and dismisses it. The only reason holidays entice him at all is his son, and his son does get a ton of holiday cheer...all holidays.
    IC, I think you make a good point. As I said, he does not omit with malice. You are right that not everyone is big into holidays.
    Having said that it wouldn't KILL him to remember, but he is who he is, I am used to it and, maybe because of the other kids, it doesn't really bother me much even though I do love holidays. He is not me, I must remember.
    Thank you again for another good post. Appreciated. I feel better now. Thanks again!
    Last edited: May 9, 2016