Mourning my mother

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Kjs, Aug 25, 2008.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    AFter losing my mother in April, things have been so hectic I never had a chance to sit and think of her and miss her.

    I am the baby of 6 much older siblings. My mom didn't have a voice the past 4 or 5 years. After my dad died she suffered a stroke that took that away from her. But still her eyes could talk for her. I miss her SO much. difficult child didn't really know her, and easy child has grown away from her also. husband pretends nothing has changed, and I am so sad inside.

    The funeral home did a video presentation of 50 pictures. Very nicely put together. We brought in pictures and they put this awesome slide show together. Started off with HER baby picture, her coming home with first born, her and each one of us kids, then her with each one of the grand kids. Really awesome, and so many many memories.

    A copy was made for each of us kids, but I haven't received it yet. Then..My sister in law did an interview with her over ten years ago. Saved it. She had it transfered to a CD and both of those were mailed out to us Friday.

    My sister sent an email saying how awesome that interview was and how wonderful it was to hear her voice. difficult child is excited and waiting to get it. He rememberes very few words from her.

    I am scared to get it. I think I will just fall apart. I miss her so much.

    I am going to get copies of both the slide show and the interview made for each one of my boys. Maybe two. They can share their grandmother with their kids someday.

    I am really afraid to get this. Is that crazy or what. I should be excited to hear her voice. But I am scared. Why?
  2. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    You don't have to watch it right away. Hold onto it and watch it when you are ready for it. Watch it when you are in a happy place and not depressed over missing her.
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hey! Make sure you watch it a few times when you're alone. Before you let the boys watch it! If it tears off a few scabs, you'll be much more comfortable doing it without an audience.

    I personally think you're scared because you're anticipating your reaction to seeing it. How will it make you feel? Am I ready to be sad, depressed, happy, OMG! What if I laugh!

    I've found that anticipation of my reactions causes me more anxiety than actually hopping on the roller coaster and finding out (just so you know, I HATE roller coasters!).

    This tape and interview are a testimonial to a wonderful, exciting person...they're a celebration of her life - her swan song if you will.

    Make a bowl of popcorn, grab a box of chocolate, and a box of tissues, wait til everyone's gone and take a little time to grieve your loss and then allow yourself to remember the good times!

    Have fun!

  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{kjs}}} I thinking you're probably afraid of what your 'anticipated' reaction will be. No need to watch it as soon as you receive it. I love the idea of waiting until you're in a better place, but it may be that you should watch it so you can get to that better, place, Know what I mean??

    I would view it in private so you can really allow your emotions to flow forth and feel what you need to feel. I'm sure there will be a lot of moments within the DVD's that you will smile and even laugh out loud over, as well as cry and grieve.

    We have an old 8mm tape of an interview my sister did with my dad while he was in hospice undergoing radiation way back. I love watching it. I haven't in a while, but I actually feel peace afterwards when I do. It enables me to remember the wonderful parts of both my dad and my family.

  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You are going through so much right now. I think being scared of this is a natural reaction. I have a CD of my great gma telling old family stories. My dad made 120 copies so that all the relatives could have one. I remember being there when the recordings were made. The stories are incredible. But I can't seem to listen to the CD. It arouses such strong feelings in me. I miss her so much. she never even got to see Wiz, but she did know I was pregnant when she died. At least she knew that much. I am the first of my generation to have given her a great great grandchild on my dad's side of hte family.

    It must be so much stronger for you because it is your mom. You are not alone in your feelings. Know that I am there with you, supporting you.

    Play the CD when you have enough time alone to really FEEL all the differnt feelings. It will help you get to that better place I think. If you need support, come here and I will send you my phone # or my yahoo IM ID. We can talk that way or on the phone if you need to or want to. Anytime.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I wanted you to know I was thinking of you. If there were some magically, comforting words to find I would surely send them your way.
    Just know you are thought about and cared for.

    As to the why - I absolutely know why the "don't send me anything of my dads" was....and maybe the same reason for the video with your Mom. For me it was that after the courts, lawyers, and things in general seemed to settle down, and I wasn't crying every other thought over the loss I suffered I had finally come to a place where I could deal with life - nearly 6 months later. So when my mom called me and said there were a few things of my Dad's for me? I didn't want them. And it wasn't because I didn't want them - I couldn't deal with them at that time because I needed to stay mentally where I was so I didn't fall apart over and over.

    It's been 9 years - and still there are days and times and moments when I could not hold even a picture let alone his watch. You're still in mourning and maybe it's too soon to allow yourself to feel that vulnerability again. For me it was like a wound that had healed....I wouldn't go out and try to reinjure or open the wound so I stayed in a safe place. (mentally) and that was not having anything to do with things that reminded me of him.

    Maybe it's different for everyone else - maybe because you miss her so much the video will leave you with feelings of missing her more -again.
    I think it's pretty normal, and I think crying and missing her are normal. I think we find a way to cope being left behind the best way we can. I think you're doing a great just do what is right for you - no one says you HAVe to watch the video now.....maybe a rainy day with just you and her memory would be better.

    I'm not a toughie - but my family doesn't get to see me cry too often. It's just a me thing.....

  7. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Wow, since my mom sold her house I have received a great many things. I know that many of them triggered a major response when they had to do with my dad. He has been gone 12 years and it still hurts on occaision. Some pictures and such I never would have handled in the first six monthes. Take the time you need. You will know when your ready. Make sure that when you do you have lots of tissues. I mean I found the vial of dads ashes in one of the boxes mom gave me. Lost it is mild. Now he sits in a place of honor with my dr. seuss collection (don't ask). Other things even now I open a tote and go oh that is in here nope still not ready will go to the next. So take the time you need.

  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Everyone grieves differently. You can decide when you are best able to watch the cd. I'm sure that it will remind you of your loss but it may give you laughs, and fond memories that can soothe your sad,sad heart.
    I would probably wait until I was less raw but you have to do what works for you.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree, you don't have to watch it right away. And perhaps, watch it alone and just let yourself cry, and later, you can watch it with others. You may have to work up to it.