Hello again. Spent part of tonight looking at photos of my son growing up with my heart breaking for him and me. The sweet boy in the picture when he was 10 with his arms wrapped around my neck with so much love in his eyes and now he barely utters a word to me. Blames us for not paying his cell phone bill, not wanting to pay for yet another round of Community College in a state other than ours to live with his best friend that will be going to a University, while he is failing all but one class in his second attempt at his first semester here. No job but has replied to a few places on line, going to court tomorrow for what could be a felony charge but probably reduced to probation. I just wish I knew when the switch went off and lost the love of my life. I barely recognize him anymore. He feels badly that he has failed us and makes me cry. He wished he had never been born and wrote a letter to me saying as much and why didn't I just kill him instead of giving birth.
He started taking Wellbutrin a few weeks ago but his mood at home seems worse especially when we restricted his car use and sold his car due to not working, failing classes and smoking pot. I found a therapist that he saw for the first time this week. One of many he has seen through the years. I leave a pill for him in the bathroom every morning but have no idea if he is really taking it. The therapist did share with me that she is suggesting he start taking responsibility for his own life and not be so reactive. Start planning what he wants out of life. All I hear is he can't wait to get out of here and move in with his friend, start over and make new friends in a new state. We will not be funding this move and he knows it. It just kills me inside to see what he is NOT doing with his life and why he doesn't seem to care. Why is he still going to Jr. College if he is not willing to do the work that is required all the time, not sometime? He is still so immature for his age which will be 19 in one month. I can't imagine him surviving on his own, keeping a job long enough to pay bills, his friend putting up with his lack of motivation and money. He hasn't worked since Dec. We rarely give him any money and he rarely asks knowing the answer. Just waiting for him to grow up and show some responsibility and wake up, but in the meantime, my heart keeps breaking and I miss my son.
He started taking Wellbutrin a few weeks ago but his mood at home seems worse especially when we restricted his car use and sold his car due to not working, failing classes and smoking pot. I found a therapist that he saw for the first time this week. One of many he has seen through the years. I leave a pill for him in the bathroom every morning but have no idea if he is really taking it. The therapist did share with me that she is suggesting he start taking responsibility for his own life and not be so reactive. Start planning what he wants out of life. All I hear is he can't wait to get out of here and move in with his friend, start over and make new friends in a new state. We will not be funding this move and he knows it. It just kills me inside to see what he is NOT doing with his life and why he doesn't seem to care. Why is he still going to Jr. College if he is not willing to do the work that is required all the time, not sometime? He is still so immature for his age which will be 19 in one month. I can't imagine him surviving on his own, keeping a job long enough to pay bills, his friend putting up with his lack of motivation and money. He hasn't worked since Dec. We rarely give him any money and he rarely asks knowing the answer. Just waiting for him to grow up and show some responsibility and wake up, but in the meantime, my heart keeps breaking and I miss my son.
