Move Over Step.... difficult child just announced her engagement on Facebook

[dashcat]

...to the Craiglist/landlord/live-in boyfriend ("I'm not dating him, MOM!") who she has known for all of three weeks.

She somehow has Ossy believing they've known each other for six months ... but it isn't true. No point in trying to talk sense to him. She has know him for THREE WEEKS.

And this part is lovely: She announced it on Facebook this morning. She blocked me from the post, but my phone was blowing up with texts within a few minutes. I was at a Photoshop Workshop with no FB access (she knew this). She later texted me crowing about the great news.

I wa in the highway at the time (and she knew this, too. she'd just texted me asking about the workshop ...suspicious enough ... and I responded that I'd just stopped for gas and was getting back on the road).

My response? Fairly breezy ... Wow, that is news! I'm happy you're happy.

She has been obsessed with weddings - especially now tht so many of her cousins (who have advance degrees and have been with their betrothed for YEARS) are getting married. I think I'm going to throw this one on Ossy ... father-of-the-bride and all.

He actually said to me - last night - "Out of all the relationships she's had, he seems to keep her the most grounded." THREE WEEKS. THREE WEEKS, BOZO!!!!

Oh, and did I mention the three young children he has? Boys, ages 5, 3 and 2?

I think I might run away.

Dash

 

[AnnieO]

Oh my wow.

Yep, you win... Or lose... Heck i don't know! Run away to Dayton!

 

[dashcat]

Dayton isn't far enough! (although I am going to be there in a month for my great-nephew's fiance's bridal shower!).I'm just waiting for the question about the wedding budget...

 

[Dixies_fire]

Wow, well we saw this coming or something kind of like it.

 

[AnnieO]

So, dash, is her budget the same as Onyxx's?

 

[DammitJanet]

Not that my current situation is the best because of our house guest from hell but....you guys would have had a cow with me. I met Tony and we never really dated. I simply went home with him one night and I never left. We have lived together ever since that night in mid July 1983. So it can happen that you only date a few weeks and then live a good life. I dont like the fact that my boys seem to think that what we did was the normal way to do it because truly we were a one in a million chance. We probably should have broken up a dozen times over the years but we were too stubborn.

 

[dashcat]

As far as I'm concerned, it is! This might get very interesting...

Not too long aog, she was in the wedding fantasy mode and showed me something on Pinterest. I made a comment about winning the lottery and she said (deadly serious...) "Don't worry, it's the FATHER'S responsbility to pay for the wedding>"

Now,understand, that the only thing that riles dear Ossy is the subject of money. difficult child can be running off hither and yon with the likes of Joran VanDerSloot and he will say "Oh! Lovely!" (I've often wondered about this ... what STRAIGHT man says "Oh! Lovely!"). However, ifI mention that she's gotten a letter for a collection agency, he huffs and puffs.

So ... when it comes to parting with any of his precious cash, he's going to go into his serious avoidance mode.

And this is what I'm really afraid of: She has a stock account that my parents gifted toher when she was a baby. She does not know it exists. My parents did this for all ten of their grandchildren with the intent that they spend the money on college or as a downpayment on their first home. They are all adults now (the youngest just turned 40!) and they all used the money reponsibly. My one sister did not tell her kids about the money until college. My other sister let her kids know, but wouldn't let them touch the funds. Sister 2's kids bugged the living daylights out of her and Sister 1 enjoyed peace ...which is why I chose Sister 1's route long before I knew my easy child was a raging difficult child.

I am the custodian of the account but, once she turned 18, she could remove me if she wished. Ossy knows about the money, obviously, and I have withdrawn and used funds for her (which is legal as long as it is documented). I payed for her one year of college that way and also gave some money toward her car.

I'm pretty sure he's going to lean on me to use it for this "wedding" in order to weasel out of parting with any money himself. His rationale will be something like "well, it's hers and once it's gone, it's gone ...she'll have to learn the hard way." My ratinale is that she might need it for medical care or something serious ... or maybe, just maybe as my parent's intended.

He's just sneaky enough that he might let it slip to her. If you hear of a middle aged, pot bellied man floating in the Cuyahoga, you'll know it happened.

Right now, I'm ignoring the whole thing. She's only gotten a little attention on Facebook .. mostly from other difficult child friends, and I'm just going to clap my hands over my ears and hum until it goes away. I hope to heaven it goes away...

Dash

 

[Hound dog]

dash..........

Sometimes 3 wks is plenty of time. I dated Fred 2 wks, married him 2 wks later. It lasted 28 yrs. When it "works" and it's "real" it doesn't matter the length of time you know someone. My mom has made some horrid mistakes with males she knew for years..... lol

My mom had a fit you could imagine. My family were stunned. My mom swore for probably 20 of those 28 yrs it would never last. LOL

I know it's a gut reaction to say "what the heck is she thinking, he's a stranger....." But these days I've known people who have lived together years, gotten married and divorce less than 6 months later. I don't think "time" factors much into it.

If he's helping to keep her grounded, perhaps that means she's found herself a good guy to spend her life with. I hope they're happy together. In this situation, it's all you can hope for.

But it would've been nice to have given you the news instead of having you find out the way you did. (probably done because she was afraid of your reaction and expected you to be mad)

((hugs))

 

[dashcat]

Hound,
Believe me, I know there are many stories out there where this works.

However.

She is a full-blown difficult child. She is bi-polar and unmedicated.

Her first "engagement" was in high school. It was, of course, a secret ... but not a very well kept one.

Her second "engagement" was in college. She met the guy on the college Facebook page and they were "in love" before she even met him. They were talking marriage within the fist month.

Her most recent live-in guy (this one actually lasted a year ...shock of shocks) bought her a promise ring for Christmas, which I guess means they are engaged to be engaged.

Her boyfriend of last summer was "the one". She told many of her cousins and friends that they were getting married "someday" and I honestly think one of the reasons she broke it off with him (right after Christmas) was because he did not produce a ring.

She wants a wedding. This is ever so slightly different than wanting to marry someone.

Yes, it can work. The chances of it working in this case are pretty slim, though.

 

[BusynMember]

Oh, got to love those difficult children! I'm so glad Facebook wasn't around with my daughter was a full blown difficult child using drugs. She probably would not have announced her engagement, but she had so little common sense at the time I can see her showing herself doing drugs with her friends and sharing it with everyone.

This must be a new way of springing engagements (usually false ones) one family and loved ones. Back here in Nowhere, Wisconsin, a fifteen year old girl announced her engagement to her older boyfriend on Face Book. It was a big community giggle and, of course, it never happened and, no, she wasn't pregnant. She has gone through boyfriend after boyfriend since him and it's always "serious." Strange thing about her is that I don't believe her family was disturbed about it. I heard them talking about this engagement with another mother and her g-ma and mom sounded indulgent and even pleased.

Just want you to know that this seems to be a common difficult child thing...they want marriage, have no ability to be married, are either too young or too screwed up, but it's a way of getting A LOT of attention, especially when posted on the social media. After the attention rush is over, they seem to move on.

Hopefully, this will pass.

 

[scent of cedar]

My response? Fairly breezy ... Wow, that is news! I'm happy you're happy.

Wow, Dash. That was a perfect response.

Has any responsible family member actually met this man, yet?

Barbara

 

[dashcat]

You nailed it about the attention MWM. She hid her "announcment" post from me on FB, but according to my niece, she has only a handful of "likes" Pretty lame by FB standards. She informed me via text. Gotta love technology.

Barbara,
I have met him and h is kids. I assume when said "responsbile" you were excluding Ossy (ha!) In all honesty, I am so weary from meeting her "luuuvvves", ....they pretty much all seem th same to me. He wasn't wielding a chain saw or frothing at the mouth and he didn't have any obscenities tattooed on his forehead ...funny how we lower the bar over time.

When she was in HS, most of the guys she brought around were real sweethearts. (no sarcasm .. great guys), but that all changed after graduation. She focuses on guys who get very little attentioin from females. She lavishes them with compilments and promises of sex and they just melt. She gets tired of them long before they even think of getting tired of her. Then ... poof ... she is done. If a guy drops her, she stalks him relentlessly.

I can't predict what will happen here, but I'm rather sure that, however this plays out, it will not be pretty.

 

[BusynMember]

Take heart, dash.

When Daughter was in high school and after, her boyfriends mainly looked like gang members and what I picture White Supremists to look like (although they weren't...difficult child Daughter is asian). However, I don't think they ever looked me in the eye or could spit out much beyond "'Lo." Of course, they all took drugs...

 

[welcometowitsend]

Oh Dash. What a mess she is making of this.

It's a strange living arrangement to begin with and now she has turned it into an engagement. Well, you knew it wasn't going to take long for it to turn into a sexual relationship and not just landlord/tenant.

I agree that while some short-term relationships can turn into wonderful, longterm relationships....but...I also agree that this is not likely to happen for your difficult child. Like you said - bipolar and unmedicated is not conducive to a longterm relationship at this point in her life.

I think you responded perfectly and are smart to not get too worked up over this, at least for the time being. She is making her own decisions and has proven in the past that it's not likely to last very long anyway.

Crossing my fingers that this ends up being a positive for her in some way.

 

[Tiredof33]

I think you responded very well too! My difficult child posted on FB that he was engaged. My easy child was surprised and annoyed that the family wasn't told first, I wasn't surprised at all.

difficult child has been with girl from h*** about 3 years now. They may kill each other with their drama and knife fights, but so far no marriage.

in my opinion, the weddings are a waste of money, I see so many of the divorces, it's just money down the drain. Hopefully it will turn out to just be more difficult child drama.

 

[DammitJanet]

I would also bet she will live with him for awhile too because I would be pretty sure he isnt in as big a rush to go rushing down the isle as she is. Oh maybe he said the marriage word in passing conversation and she took it and ran with it. Doesnt mean there is a real engagement.

 

[BusynMember]

I think you responded very well too! My difficult child posted on FB that he was engaged. My easy child was surprised and annoyed that the family wasn't told first, I wasn't surprised at all.

difficult child has been with girl from h*** about 3 years now. They may kill each other with their drama and knife fights, but so far no marriage.

in my opinion, the weddings are a waste of money, I see so many of the divorces, it's just money down the drain. Hopefully it will turn out to just be more difficult child drama.

I thought I was the only person who didn't get all excited about big, elaborate, expensive weddings considering the huge divorce rate and how lightly many of our kids take their vows (sigh).

 

[tryagain]

Omg...I thought I was the only parent whose difficult child announced her "engagement" on FB. I did not handle it as smoothly as you did, however. I called her and told her how ridiculous it was, and we had it out. Your difficult child sounds a lot like mine-my difficult child is just out of high school, was adopted as an infant and provided a wonderful life, was diagnosis ADD then bipolar, and has chased after loser boyfriend for over 2 years. She followed him to a city 6 hours away and clings to him like a vine. I post about her on here periodically and the affirmation from everyone is like therapy for me-this is one place where everyone can relate. My difficult child was living with boyfriend in his step mom's home as a guest, but stepmom kicked her out in February and she has been living in an extended stay hotel ever since. boyfriend of course moved there too, and pays it for her bc he has no car and codepends on difficult child for her car. They scrape by bc we do not support this foolish arrangement. difficult child passed 1 class at the community college and cannot hold a job past a month- doesn't really want to work so does not put effort into looking for one. Loser boyfriend has manual labor job which is honest work, but he certainly can't afford this girl who cannot handle $ and wants a pampered lifestyle. Both only have high school education. He can't pay his phone bill but bought her some dinky ring Valentine's day so she proclaimed her status as "engaged" on FB. I had to inbox the relatives on FB and tell them it was just her silly fantasy. It is peaceful having her hours away so Husband and I just detach while coverng her BiPolar (BP) medications and health concerns, car insurance, and phone. This keeps her out of our hair while she wastes her life with loser boyfriend (who has a chip on his shoulder and won't have anything to do with us). Don't know what drama is ahead but for now, we have peace most of the time. I gave this over to the good Lord long ago.