Moved out 18 year this week. He will not stay in the apartment.

[conflicted]

After ten years of therapy, two months of wilderness therapy when he was 16 and about four months in juvenille hall when is was 17 we moved our 18 year old gtg senior out of our house and into a apartment to hopefully finish his senior year and graduate. We let him back home when he got out of the hall two months ago on the condition that he stayed in school, got a job and did not bring drugs into our house. That has not happened he has skipped a number of days of school, has not found a job and is smoking weed just about every day. His latest is he will not stay in the apartment and would prefir to sleep outside and has to the best of our knowledge. We live in a cold (cold) climate and this is painfull to see for me and my wife. Any advise on how to get through this.



Bruce

 

[JJJ]

(((hugs))) Sadly, you will need to learn some serious detachment skills. We have a forum for parents of 18+, many of whom are going through similar situations.

https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/forums/parent-emeritus.18/

 

[BusynMember]

I suggest posting on Parent Emeritus.

by the way, although it's not at all funny, I looked to see where you lived when you said it was a cold climate. Califonria struck me as funny (I live in Wisconsin).

I guarantee you one thing...he will not freeze. If he is cold he will go back to his apartment and may actually be doing it, but not telling you in an attempt to get you to let him live at home even if he smokes pot, quits school, doesn't work etc. He's a lucky kid. Most of us won't even get an apartment for the kid. We figure that if the kid is 18 and decides he can live his life HIS way, he can support himself too. Of course, that requires the 18 year old get a job...

Try Parent Emeritus That is the site for parents of adult children, 18 and over. We've mostly been there/done that for reasons similar to you.

 

[conflicted]

I agree it sounds funny being cold in California. We are in the sierra's above 600 feet, it is still getting down into the teens at night. Should I start a new thread over in parent emeritus?

Bruce

 

[buddy]

might be a good idea or just copy paste this one.... some people click on "new posts" like I do so I see all the forums, but others kind of stick to the forum in their area of parenting so you may catch more people with experience similar to yours.... they each time there is a new post to your thread it will be in "new posts" anyway....


Welcome by the way, I was thinking too...WOW , they rented him an apt??? Holy cow! That is one lucky kid, so sad he is not realizing that. I am sure there will be many who can relate to you especially as the week goes on. Sometimes on the weekend the post volume goes down a little....

 

[TerryJ2]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, Bruce, I can just see myself in your shoes in 3 yrs.
I am so sorry.
I agree, detachment. That's all you can do right now.
Many, many, many hugs.
I have no advice. My life S*cks right now and I am probably on the same track you are.
Just know that you are not alone, and after all the work you have done, you have done all you can and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

[amazeofgrace]

Bruce, I am so very sorry. Your son is definitley trying to manipulate the situation. I wonder if he truly is sleeping outside or if he's not just playing the violin per se. Not that I don't think our difficult child's aren't stubborn enough to actually do such things to prove their point. Does he have any other adult rold models in his life he respects (ex: a teacher, counselor, coach, parent of a friend) sometimes teens in general will listen to anyone but us. Hang in there AOG

 

[Bunny]

The thing is that if your son knows that is sleeping outside is upsetting to you and your wife he is going to use it to his advantage to manipulate you and get what he wants. If he chooses to sleep outside, let him! If he gets cold he'll either go inside and stay there or he'll need to figure out that he needs to invest in some extra blankets and some long johns.

I am really sorry that you are going through this with him. It is very painful to watch our kids make really poor decisions and know that there is very little that we can do about it.

 

[welcometowitsend]

Bruce,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sure it has been a very long haul for your family. You have done everything you can and have loved this child through it all.

I really don't have any advice for you. I am new to this forum and these difficulties so don't have a lot of experience here - although the learning curve is pretty steep and quick.

You'll get some great advice here - the people are wonderful. My thoughts and prayers to you, your wife and your difficult child.