Moved son out yesterday and am heartbroken

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Mom1967, May 5, 2019.

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  1. Mom1967

    Mom1967 New Member

    It's been a few weeks now. No word from my son on Mother's Day. His father asked hi. To call me but he didn't. I texted him last Sunday after church.

    I told him that I loved him. Believed in him. I believed he was able to make good decisions, and live with with the consequences of them. I knew he can and will make it.

    No reply.

    Have any of you had to remove your child from your home and have them then cut you off completely from communication? How long if ever did it take for them to talk to you again? I am feeling so worried that I have lost my son for life.
     
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am familiar with this fear. But that's what it is fear. A feeling. It is not the truth. It is not real. It bears no relationship to any likely outcome.

    The challenge is to let go this irrational fear, this feeling which is torturing you. And to say "NO."
    I have kicked out my son numerous times. This has involved the police. And a great deal of drama.

    My son has cut me off.

    I have cut him off.

    We always come back together. In one way or another.
     
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  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Dont worry. I wonder if my daughter will ever come back. Worrying doesn't help. It gets us crazy and sick.

    To be honest, I love my daughter Kay and my grandson, but I cant and dont want to put up with her abuse again. Al Anon is helping me A LOT. I want her when she is able to be calm and nice. I wont lie and say I enjoy her when she is abusive and scary. I may want a child I don't have. Of course I miss and worry over my grandson, but that is out of my control.

    The Serenity prayer says God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (I am getting there), the courage to change the things I can (this is in my opinion the most important) and the wisdom to know the difference (not really that hard, but not easy either!). But with Al Anon I am much better.

    Unfortunately, I find they our troubled children come back when they need us. For money. For housing. For help. My daughter does not appreciate any of the help she was given and is hostile now that the giving from us is over. This will not change. We spent all our extra money on her already. We need the dollars we have left.

    You may see your son again. You likely will. But unless he changes, you will get what I have--anger, abuse, blame and craziness. I am so sad about Kay and who she is and how she treats us. I am sorry that you are also sad. I am trying to ignite my marriage, make new friends, and take care of me.
     
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    Last edited: May 24, 2019
  4. Mom1967

    Mom1967 New Member

    I'm sorry that Kay has been so challenging and hurtful. I don't know why children who were and are so loved can choose to self destruct.
     
  5. NumbAndLost

    NumbAndLost New Member

    Mom1967, my heart breaks for the pain you're feeling and the guilt that somehow always creeps back into sabotage our strength. As I read about your son's outburst of anger and physical abuse, it was a PTSD moment for me and I immediately felt my story of putting my son out of our home, his reaction and lack of any progress since might somehow help. Although all our background stories are slightly varied, they are identical in the most profound ways - as parents, our unconditional love and gut-wrenching sense of responsibility for our child's success is ironclad and as young adults, our child's analysis that all his or her problems with life are to be blamed on someone/anyone else but them is astounding. Both are unhealthy beliefs that have become par-for-the-course. I have been an unaware enabler for 20 years. It all started so innocently with the normal aches and pains of raising a son with learning disabilities and self-confidence issues. Years and years went by and I kept thinking that's what I was doing, what I was supposed to do as a good parent. I hoped each problem I solved for him would be the last and he'd finally launch into a healthy young adult. I didn't truly face that we were shoveling you-know-what against the tide and losing ground until he was well into his 20s and a full-fledged alcoholic. The next ten years had more pain and agony for myself and family than I can speak about. You all know the script. Then 3 years ago for the final time, after more broken rules, ultimatums and threats, I kicked him out. He was shocked that I meant it and said we'd never see him again. A month later he showed up at my office, threatening me, insisting on help, refusing to leave, talking crazy - behavour I'd never experienced from him. I was shaking and actually afraid of him. He finally left but showed up again at the end of my work day, tried to control me, insisting I go with him to talk. I instinctively knew I could be in danger. My thought was "OMG, I'm his mother and he's so desperate right now he might actually hurt me". I was scared straight in a nanosecond. I got a restraining order that same night, shaking like a leaf 1) because I have never been so afraid of anything before that in my life and 2) that I had gone to the police to report "my little boy". That was three long years ago. After being kicked out of two homeless shelters the first year, he's been homeless in the streets for two years. He's made no progress, is angry at the world and still puts blame for his situation squarely on me and his father. We just found out Friday he's spent four days in a psychiatric hospital for evaluation earlier this month. The outcome was he can manage his issues with outpatient help, which he'll never do. I assume he's back on the street. My husband calls often to offer help, his calls are never returned. Mom67, you must work on seeing your son's situation clearly for what it is and keep you health and safety in mind. We will always love our children but it is beyond our ability to to fix them. What we have to fix is our heartbreak. My solice is right here, tonight it was writing to you. Be strong, be well.
     
  6. Mom1967

    Mom1967 New Member

    Dear numb and lost. Thank you for pouring your heart out. I am so sad for you that no progress has been made and that your son has chosen to live life in this way. I am profoundly sad for you and will pray for you. ❤️
     
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi Mom1967....The first time we kicked our son out was when he was 18 (he is now 27). At the time I was angry, he was angry etc. A therapist told me to do exactly what you are, text him now and then letting him kow I still love him even if he doesnt respond. Otherwise he would do anything not to contact me.

    I didnt hear from him for 2 weeks but then he got in trouble and called us.

    We have been through many dramas and cycles since then but we have always tried to keep letting him know we love him.

    I think at this point he believes it. Things are still up and down although he is doing better than in the past. This mothers day he sent me a beautiful text message saying he loved me and thanking me for all the support and love we have given him.

    So you are not at the end of the journey.... there will be more ups and downs probably. But keep letting him know you love him while still setting boundaries with him.

    TL
     
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