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Moving toward grief and depression
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 757475" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Beta</p><p></p><p>I was thinking some more about you and Josh *and myself, while out shopping.</p><p></p><p>I want to make a couple of points. I have been quite sad lately about my son, and resentful and angry too. My mood worsened when he could not be bothered to call on Mother's Day, which should have been no surprise, as he's NEVER CALLED or sent a card on ANY HOLIDAY or my birthday, since grade school.</p><p></p><p>My resentment has a lot to do with HOW MUCH I HAVE SUFFERED FOR HIM and near him, and the lack of reciprocity or acknowledgement on his part. The fact he doesn't give a <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" />. My resentment like yours is also related to the fact that over and over again I put myself out, to shelter him, take him in, support him, and then he just left putting himself at risk, yet again.</p><p></p><p>That he has stopped the antivirals for his liver that he NEEDS to live, just stomps out my heart. How many more caps do I need to express how badly I feel?</p><p></p><p>All of that said, this is what I want to say to you, to us.</p><p></p><p>First, I will speak to you. It's easier. Sorry. Your resentment is your problem, not Josh's. That you don't like how he chooses to live is your issue too. That he makes choices you believe are poor, too, is your problem to solve, and to not put on him. That you believe he's making a serious error of judgment moving to Denver, too, is your issue.</p><p></p><p>That our children do not measure up to what we would have wanted is our issue. That we worry night and day also is our problem. That we do not like the men they have become, as well, rests on our shoulders.</p><p></p><p>Josh and my son are only required to take responsibility for their choices and to solve their own problems. They are not responsible to make us happy, to lessen our fear, to reassure us, or to love us.</p><p></p><p>And we are responsible to learn to handle all of that, even if it brings about for us extreme suffering and even threatens to topple our lives.</p><p> </p><p>My son is not even responsible to stay healthy or alive in order to protect me. That was not part of the bargain, when I adopted him. I signed on only to love and to protect and care for him until he was legal age, and afterward to the extent that he would accept and needed my help.</p><p></p><p>Both Josh and my son are deciding they don't want what we're offering. Or maybe more accurately they want what they want when they want it. But they are both completely clear that they don't view us as having one iota of a right to ask anything from them. Not love. Not help. Not reciprocity. Not respect. Not appreciation or consideration or anything else.</p><p></p><p>And that's their right. But the thing is, we have to catch a clue. If we remain with open arms and open hearts and open houses, we are responsible for our own confusion, heartache and resentment. And we are responsible to clean up the mess. Not them.</p><p></p><p>You have choices here. Josh has made his choices. Actually, I think the plan to move to a subsidized apartment sounds exciting for him, and even sound. If it's subsidized there is likely a caseworker involved and conditions. I wish my son would do that. Josh is close to 30. It's time to set up an independent living situation, especially if there is support involved.</p><p></p><p>It's your choice if you continue to clean up his messes, on his terms, pay for his flight to come home, and to fix his problems. You don't have to do this. You have chosen too. You may decide to do that again, but that's not on Josh. Even if he asks for help. You have a right to state (or not) that if he decides to move far away, the revolving door is locked, and there's no return and no assistance, if that's a direction you want to go. But all of the choices here are yours.</p><p></p><p>You have real power here, if you choose it. You are not his victim, as I am not my son's. I am the victim of my failure to set boundaries and make and put into effect clear choices about how I want to live, as a person and a mother. It's not my son's fault that I was unclear, inconsistent, confused, ambivalent, abdicated my responsibility and threw away my power. Those were choices I made because I could not until very lately see with clarity my true situation.</p><p></p><p>Josh does not want what you're selling. He's making it as clear as day. If you begin to listen to him, your suffering will soon lessen. I believe that. Love, Copa</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 757475, member: 18958"] Dear Beta I was thinking some more about you and Josh *and myself, while out shopping. I want to make a couple of points. I have been quite sad lately about my son, and resentful and angry too. My mood worsened when he could not be bothered to call on Mother's Day, which should have been no surprise, as he's NEVER CALLED or sent a card on ANY HOLIDAY or my birthday, since grade school. My resentment has a lot to do with HOW MUCH I HAVE SUFFERED FOR HIM and near him, and the lack of reciprocity or acknowledgement on his part. The fact he doesn't give a :censored2:. My resentment like yours is also related to the fact that over and over again I put myself out, to shelter him, take him in, support him, and then he just left putting himself at risk, yet again. That he has stopped the antivirals for his liver that he NEEDS to live, just stomps out my heart. How many more caps do I need to express how badly I feel? All of that said, this is what I want to say to you, to us. First, I will speak to you. It's easier. Sorry. Your resentment is your problem, not Josh's. That you don't like how he chooses to live is your issue too. That he makes choices you believe are poor, too, is your problem to solve, and to not put on him. That you believe he's making a serious error of judgment moving to Denver, too, is your issue. That our children do not measure up to what we would have wanted is our issue. That we worry night and day also is our problem. That we do not like the men they have become, as well, rests on our shoulders. Josh and my son are only required to take responsibility for their choices and to solve their own problems. They are not responsible to make us happy, to lessen our fear, to reassure us, or to love us. And we are responsible to learn to handle all of that, even if it brings about for us extreme suffering and even threatens to topple our lives. My son is not even responsible to stay healthy or alive in order to protect me. That was not part of the bargain, when I adopted him. I signed on only to love and to protect and care for him until he was legal age, and afterward to the extent that he would accept and needed my help. Both Josh and my son are deciding they don't want what we're offering. Or maybe more accurately they want what they want when they want it. But they are both completely clear that they don't view us as having one iota of a right to ask anything from them. Not love. Not help. Not reciprocity. Not respect. Not appreciation or consideration or anything else. And that's their right. But the thing is, we have to catch a clue. If we remain with open arms and open hearts and open houses, we are responsible for our own confusion, heartache and resentment. And we are responsible to clean up the mess. Not them. You have choices here. Josh has made his choices. Actually, I think the plan to move to a subsidized apartment sounds exciting for him, and even sound. If it's subsidized there is likely a caseworker involved and conditions. I wish my son would do that. Josh is close to 30. It's time to set up an independent living situation, especially if there is support involved. It's your choice if you continue to clean up his messes, on his terms, pay for his flight to come home, and to fix his problems. You don't have to do this. You have chosen too. You may decide to do that again, but that's not on Josh. Even if he asks for help. You have a right to state (or not) that if he decides to move far away, the revolving door is locked, and there's no return and no assistance, if that's a direction you want to go. But all of the choices here are yours. You have real power here, if you choose it. You are not his victim, as I am not my son's. I am the victim of my failure to set boundaries and make and put into effect clear choices about how I want to live, as a person and a mother. It's not my son's fault that I was unclear, inconsistent, confused, ambivalent, abdicated my responsibility and threw away my power. Those were choices I made because I could not until very lately see with clarity my true situation. Josh does not want what you're selling. He's making it as clear as day. If you begin to listen to him, your suffering will soon lessen. I believe that. Love, Copa [/QUOTE]
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