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MrMike: Still in the same boat as 4 years ago
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 708972" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Mr Mike,</p><p></p><p>I feel for you. It is very very hard to see from where you are that your son can ever live without you. And yet, I am quite sure that he can. Why? Because all of our sons can. My son is bipolar, has pervasive developmental delay and extraordinarily, off the chart, slow processing. He is also addicted to heroin. But he can live without me. Not only that, he will have to live without me at some point because I won't live forever. So I am glad to know, but the experience of the last 5 years, that he lives without me, has friends (icky ones, but friends of his choosign), has fun, goes to concerts and political rallies, finds places to sleep, occasionally finds a job, gets services through various agencies, and liberally uses our nations emergency rooms. He also calls me to say hi more days than not. Is it the life I wanted for him...absolutely not. But my life, my other kids life, is better. My relationship with him is better. and he, oddly, is quite proud of making it on his own. He commonly asks if I think he is doing well (uh...no, dear). But he is doing. And your son can do too. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>SWOT is right here. People don't like to feel helpless and at the mercy of others. It makes them angry and defensive. He knows you think he is helpless, and he fears that he is. It is part of what underlies is anger.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Not healthy for them or us. Repeat 10 times. Not healthy for them. Or us. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Ah, the FOG. So sad and difficult. You are a responsible man. You love your family. Responsible men face up their problems, take care of their families. And yet...he has to become a responsible man. These are HIS problems. To take care of your family, he must leave the next. Baby birds don't jump, they get pushed. You are going to have to do some pushing. </p><p></p><p>Now for the hard part. He will definitely escalate his anger and dependence if you suggest it is time to make a plan to move on. But make a plan and stick to the plan, and tell him at every step of the way that it is hard but he is capable and change is hard but he can do it, and being poor for a while is ok, and having to live a little uncomfortably for a while is OK, lots of us went through it, and he will go through it too and figure it out. That is the message to deliver. You don't know the answers, but he will figure it out, and you know that. </p><p></p><p>Good luck, Mr. Mike. I agree with RE about NAMI if you can find it. If not, maybe a 12 step. Hold your wife's hand. Do it for your son. You won't live forever. </p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 708972, member: 17269"] Mr Mike, I feel for you. It is very very hard to see from where you are that your son can ever live without you. And yet, I am quite sure that he can. Why? Because all of our sons can. My son is bipolar, has pervasive developmental delay and extraordinarily, off the chart, slow processing. He is also addicted to heroin. But he can live without me. Not only that, he will have to live without me at some point because I won't live forever. So I am glad to know, but the experience of the last 5 years, that he lives without me, has friends (icky ones, but friends of his choosign), has fun, goes to concerts and political rallies, finds places to sleep, occasionally finds a job, gets services through various agencies, and liberally uses our nations emergency rooms. He also calls me to say hi more days than not. Is it the life I wanted for him...absolutely not. But my life, my other kids life, is better. My relationship with him is better. and he, oddly, is quite proud of making it on his own. He commonly asks if I think he is doing well (uh...no, dear). But he is doing. And your son can do too. SWOT is right here. People don't like to feel helpless and at the mercy of others. It makes them angry and defensive. He knows you think he is helpless, and he fears that he is. It is part of what underlies is anger. Not healthy for them or us. Repeat 10 times. Not healthy for them. Or us. Ah, the FOG. So sad and difficult. You are a responsible man. You love your family. Responsible men face up their problems, take care of their families. And yet...he has to become a responsible man. These are HIS problems. To take care of your family, he must leave the next. Baby birds don't jump, they get pushed. You are going to have to do some pushing. Now for the hard part. He will definitely escalate his anger and dependence if you suggest it is time to make a plan to move on. But make a plan and stick to the plan, and tell him at every step of the way that it is hard but he is capable and change is hard but he can do it, and being poor for a while is ok, and having to live a little uncomfortably for a while is OK, lots of us went through it, and he will go through it too and figure it out. That is the message to deliver. You don't know the answers, but he will figure it out, and you know that. Good luck, Mr. Mike. I agree with RE about NAMI if you can find it. If not, maybe a 12 step. Hold your wife's hand. Do it for your son. You won't live forever. Echo [/QUOTE]
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