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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 650431" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Yes, sometimes I think we hold the hope that this is all a myth, that in reality things are fine, our kids are close, that we are making things up, worrying unnecessarily, catastrophizing. When some one chimes in independently "well, we haven't been close"...it is a new wound.</p><p></p><p>He should have some one he feels close to stand up with him. We must honor that truth in him. I know that you know that growing up in a house of addicts makes being honest and clear very difficult. He is having an honest moment. I am happpy for him in that...it would be so easy to fall into the illness of the shared family secret. "of course all is well at home! of course my brother is my best man." He is not going there. He is well. He is being true to himself. Bless him.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think this is the key...at least for me. To hold the shining moments. To pause and breath them in. To move forward through the rest of life, and to pause again as opportunity presents itself..which it does, over and over again, every day. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It was a gift. I still have a feeling of warmth when I think about it. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, there is a strong sense of healing around it. I have not fully forgiven myself...perhaps I should not. But I can learn to live with what was and what is. And I can remember how loved he was. That was real. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Thank you, Cedar. That is like a soft warm cloak for me. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I actually find it kind of a relief that his siblings feel no relationship...almost as though they escaped without too much injury. I hope that they don't have the raw wound that I do (although I think his twin most certainly does). Weirdly we all move on as though I only have three kids. That has become the norm. He wasn't invited to his dad's wedding two months ago...no one even told him. We aren't bringing him on the family trip to his twin's graduation..my ex, his new wife, my SO, and my other sons and I are all going. </p><p>It is what it is. It is what feels like the thing to do...to all of us.</p><p>Years ago his psychiatrist used to say...it is SO important that he retain that close conncection he has to you, Mom! It felt like a scary burden to me then...and now it makes me kind of mad that he placed that on me. I did retain that connection, out of love and duty, for years. It didn't help him or change things. It hurt me. Now the little thread of connection is what it is...intermittent. On my terms. But present. It is good enough. For now. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is a thing I know to be true. No mud no lotus. No left without a right. One is the face of the other. If you accept that there is a right then there must be a left. If you accept that there is joy there must be pain. I accept joy.</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 650431, member: 17269"] Yes, sometimes I think we hold the hope that this is all a myth, that in reality things are fine, our kids are close, that we are making things up, worrying unnecessarily, catastrophizing. When some one chimes in independently "well, we haven't been close"...it is a new wound. He should have some one he feels close to stand up with him. We must honor that truth in him. I know that you know that growing up in a house of addicts makes being honest and clear very difficult. He is having an honest moment. I am happpy for him in that...it would be so easy to fall into the illness of the shared family secret. "of course all is well at home! of course my brother is my best man." He is not going there. He is well. He is being true to himself. Bless him. I think this is the key...at least for me. To hold the shining moments. To pause and breath them in. To move forward through the rest of life, and to pause again as opportunity presents itself..which it does, over and over again, every day. It was a gift. I still have a feeling of warmth when I think about it. Yes, there is a strong sense of healing around it. I have not fully forgiven myself...perhaps I should not. But I can learn to live with what was and what is. And I can remember how loved he was. That was real. Thank you, Cedar. That is like a soft warm cloak for me. I actually find it kind of a relief that his siblings feel no relationship...almost as though they escaped without too much injury. I hope that they don't have the raw wound that I do (although I think his twin most certainly does). Weirdly we all move on as though I only have three kids. That has become the norm. He wasn't invited to his dad's wedding two months ago...no one even told him. We aren't bringing him on the family trip to his twin's graduation..my ex, his new wife, my SO, and my other sons and I are all going. It is what it is. It is what feels like the thing to do...to all of us. Years ago his psychiatrist used to say...it is SO important that he retain that close conncection he has to you, Mom! It felt like a scary burden to me then...and now it makes me kind of mad that he placed that on me. I did retain that connection, out of love and duty, for years. It didn't help him or change things. It hurt me. Now the little thread of connection is what it is...intermittent. On my terms. But present. It is good enough. For now. That is a thing I know to be true. No mud no lotus. No left without a right. One is the face of the other. If you accept that there is a right then there must be a left. If you accept that there is joy there must be pain. I accept joy. Echo [/QUOTE]
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