My 16 1/2 year old

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by parentalert1, Oct 25, 2011.

  1. parentalert1

    parentalert1 New Member

    I have a 16 year old almost 17 has bipolar/defiant/Add/ADHD. He has been in residential placements ordered by the school district for 5 years he was so out of control. He returned home September 2010. It has been a complete nightmere. He's smoking pot, refusing to attend school, sneaking out and lies like you would not believe. I feel like i just want him to leave.

    The police cannot do anything, the school says well let's hope he comes tomorrow. I have taken everything away from him. No internet, no cell phone, he has nothing. He has a bed, food and a place to shower. I am at my wits end. Does anyone have similar situation?
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    Welcome. I'm glad you found us - but sorry you had to.

    My daughter's about the same age... Is he on medications at all?

    Most school districts have a truancy policy. Also, if he's smoking marijuana, there's the possibility that there's more to it. Also - the police won't do anything? If he is caught in possession of pot, it's at the very least a misdemeanor. Has there been any court involvement at all?

    Is he at all abusive, and I don't mean just physically? Has he ever stolen anything from anyone (you included)?

    There are so many possibilities...

    What exactly do the police say?

    I know others will be along, but I wanted to see if we could get to know you better, see what's up. Maybe give you an idea of the direction to face, if we know a little more.

  3. parentalert1

    parentalert1 New Member

    He has been on every medication possible. He is now on Nurotin 3 times a day. He is refusing to take it. He has been very violent in the past destryoing my car, house, anything that is mine and he knows what means the most to me.
    He has been hospitalized many time but now knows how to work the system to get out. He was caught at school with pot and the school says well he was honest with me so I am only going to suspend him. He is on a IEP so they can only by law suspend him for up to 10 days for the entire school year. I have called the police many times and they do nothing besides tell me it's my responsibilie. He was pressuring his 14 year old brother to get high as well. It's such a sad situation becasue there is nothing I can do. I can't even place him in drug rehad if he's not willing. California laws suck! (sorry to say) He can not longer see a physiatrist becasue they wont treat him while he's using. He's always saying that I don't love him, I treat him different. And yes I do becasue he makes dumb choices. His Dad is bipolar and self medicates. There is no contact with Dad becasue he was giving my son pot I later found out. I have treid it all and I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him. But I've completly cut him off, no money, no haircuts nothing so he can see that if this is how he acts this is what he will get. He comes to me and says when can I get my cell phone back I say when you give me a clean drug test then takes off 3 hours later and stays out all night. I don't get it. I was so happy that last week he attended every class and was not late so I wanted to show him I was happy and that's what I wanted to see so I was taking him to taco Tuesday. I go to pick him up and he's "high". I'm just at a lost for words.
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    The cops won't do anything when he damages PROPERTY?

    That's domestic violence, plain and simple. Find a DV shelter and talk to them. PLEASE.
  5. parentalert1

    parentalert1 New Member

    Yes they would not arrest him because they said juvi would not take him it was a "family affair" and he didn't have a record. Very sad.
  6. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Even in my backward town, my daughter's been arrested for domestic violence.

    Please contact a DV shelter, regardless of it being a "family affair", damaging property is still wrong. Can you call CPS yourself?

    The DV shelter should be able to help. And - you can go in a different city.
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    sounds so sad. i am so sorry you have no community support. gosh it seems they either go overboard when not necessary or do nothing when it is needed. very scary. Can you talk to a higher-up at the station? What kind of county services are available for you (not just him, you/your family)? Is there a way to get a protective order if he commits a crime...I dont have any experience with this but I am asking all the wise ones out there. Can things like that be done with minors?

    Seems like you have tried nearly everything and are just stuck. i am so sorry for that. I hope someone here has a good idea that will open some doors for you.

    In any event please know you are not alone and you at least are able to come here to vent and share your feelings. I hope you have some peaceful moments this week! hugs, Buddy
  8. parentalert1

    parentalert1 New Member

    Thank you. I am knew to this site and still learning how to use it. I have done everything and I know my son knows that I love him and I have done it all. I have been a good mother. With that being said it rally doesnt' matter how good of a parent you are or how involved you are your kids will still make their choices. I am trying to do this Tough love and it's so hard for me. It's like I am the one constantley being punsihed. They do have programs out here in Southern Orange County like Pryde Program. It's like an intervention. He is on the waiting list, but the issue is he refuses to particiapte in anything. He had made is clear that he will smoke pot and drop out of school. If I don't fight for him who will? I feel like i have to push him to at least gradute. He came to me and said one of his teachers told him why are you even here at school, you don't do any work, you might as well work fulltime at least you will be doing something. That is sad but I can imagine what that teacher puts up with. I live in fear everyday, I'm scared when the phone rings, not knowing what it's going to be now. I have even written Dr. Phil. I can only keep praying. I am slowly loosing my faith, hope. As a mother this is heart breaking. I have read some other stories on this site and it breaks my heart. My life is miserable, stressful, sad and I can't change it.
  9. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I don't normally post on this forum. I was wondering if contacting NAMI or a lawyer might help. The lawyer might know of other options in your community that no one is telling you about. Sometimes I call the gaurdian ad litum's office. They are lawyer's for children and even though they aren't representing me (or my kids) they have given me ideas that might help. The lawyer also might know what to do about the police not doing their jobs.

    Your 17 year old needs to be fighting for himself first. If he isn't then no amount of fighting you do is going to do anything.

    You have another child that needs to be protected. You can still change things for the better.
  10. parentalert1

    parentalert1 New Member

    Thank you for posting.
    I will look into that. I have never contacted a lawyer....
    You're right, he needs to fight for himself. :) It's good to hear that others are on the same page.
    I do belong to a NAMI group. It's a great support system at times.
  11. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I have a girl who just turned 17. She has 2 years of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in a private and a state fascility. She has years of counseling. Many diagnosis and medications. We also got the, "We can't do anything unless there is bodily harm" thing from the police. She ran over 20 times, was truent most of the few months we have tried putting her in school between RTCs. She steals from us (a new recent behavior) by taking my debit card and replacing it-we think when we are asleep. Have had to change the pin 3 times in last few months. Don't even know how she finds out what it is. They wont arrest her for this as they say it is too hard to prove she took cash. I now lock up everything of value that fits in a safe we purchased. We have stripped the room and taken away every privelage. We had 3 good weeks of no running than wham, she steals. At 17 they will not deal with truency in our state, so we have let her go the GED route. Running? They can run all they want.

    The courts do not want to deal with truelly mentally ill kids. Putting them away just makes things even worse. Ours came out with too much new information, strategies etc.....

    We can't wait for 18. We are not going to spend one more dime on RTCs. We stand our ground-she breaks rules, we administer consequence, she avoids many by running off. It's helpless and the law makes us responsible until they are 18.

    I have done everything, made phone calls, asked God each night to help, come here for support, used collaborative problem solving,see a family therapist, hooked her up with EMDR therapy through the Rape Crisis Center, go to NAMI, have a family advocate, consulted a lawyer, yada, yada!

    I hold out for the day that her frontal cortex has enough developement she can apply the things she has learned. I pray for her life. I celebrate every day that she is home and nothing major has happened. If I don't, I will have no hope and go off the deep end. I send you a big hug and the message that you are not alone. I don't have solutions. Just an ear and a full understanding.
  12. parentalert1

    parentalert1 New Member

    My heart goes out to you. My son has not ever stoled from me.... yet! And on a better note he got up and went to school today. My fingers are crossed and I can just hope that he makes the right choices. I have to let go and let him fall. I am thinking of getting on some medication myself for all this anxiety I am having over him.

    My school district had to pay for all my son's Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placements. His last Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was Saint George Utah Cinnamon Hills he graduated and they wanted him to attend a "step Down" program in Murrieta California. i declined becasue I thought "he was better". Big big mistake, but i thought I was doing the right thing by bringing him home.
    I found this cite totally by accident, It helps reading other stories and getting feedback. Thank you for sharing.
  13. parentalert1

    parentalert1 New Member

    My 16 y/o went to school again today! 2 days in a row. It's weird how we get happy about things like this. We praise our kids for doing what they should be doing????
    My son came home yeasterday and told me "Mom"-I was offered drugs today and said NO. I can hear my voice cracking when I respond becasue I don't believe anything that cromes out of his mouth. I turned to him and said, good I'm glad you are making better choices.
    I strongly believe that our children's "friends" are huge influences in their lives more than anyone. You are what you hang around?
    I thought by moving my kids from the "gheto" to southern orange county would be so different. I wanted to show them a different way of life. The difference is the kids have money out here to buy all the drugs. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. It's all comes down to a "CHOICE"........
  14. parentalert1

    parentalert1 New Member

    Just got a call from my younger sons school (14 y/o)
    They are suspending him for being rude/making fun of middle eastern people. Totally wrong, he knows better.
    But what makes me mad is these kids rather be home. I feel they should make them stay at school in dentention room or something. Suspending a teen does nothing for them at all.
    Can I ever get a break? Ever?
  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Oh my gosh, I hate those days when you get all happy for a second and the rug gets pulled out. I do in school at times for a different reason. The change of routine for my difficult child is so unthinkable to him that even if he is miserable there we get a room to ourselves and I am even willing to stay there. He is not reinforced by beng home (but that may be changing as he gets older? will monitor) but I think it is better to have work to do in an in-school suspension. I would actually think something more proactive should happen along with learn about the culture, write a little essay (or whatever level of report he can write) so he can understand some of the real life issues. We dont want our kids to be bullies, they have enough issues so a consequence is in order, just make it one that doesn't reinforce being naughty like getting a vacation day at home does!

    I am sorry, hope he can learn a lesson. What are your rules when he has to be at home? If difficult child is home for "behavior" reasons i always tell him (even if I am not agreeing with admin on it, I support them so he doesn't get to think he can divide and conquer) he is having an "unplugged" day IN the house. he can sit on the porch and "rock" if it helps him calm.
  16. taytay

    taytay New Member

    Well first I think that you should just try to talk to him and if that dosent work try counseling that the both of you can go to together!
  17. buddy

    buddy New Member

    probably been there done that many many times and many many years... and way beyond that point now. talk therapy and counseling alone does not work with true difficult child's. I guess it might for you, but for me that would be a no go.