My 17 yr son is using/dealing marijuana. What else should I do??

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by JoJomama1, Oct 25, 2016.

  1. JoJomama1

    JoJomama1 New Member

    My 17 yr old son was on his own for 4 months because he did not want to follow our rules and was hanging with a bad crowd. He had the choice to follow or leave, which he did.
    He is back now and we have set the rules in place again, no drugs use in or around our home plus anything we find will be disposed of, he needs to attend school, go to work 2-3 days a week, he has a car but we paid half and the ins is in our name, he pays for his own gas and Ins. and do chores around the house. We do not give him everything and has been taught he has to earn for what he wants or certain things..his cell phone, laptop, etc..
    We have done everything a tough love parent can do. We do not give him money, are in contact with all his teachers with his schooling and follow through with consequences.
    We found out he is using/dealing Marijuana. We found pot pipes and bongs in his car so we decide to take the car away and are cancelling the Ins. We smashed all of it and got rid of any other things along with it. I just found pot under his mattress and flushed that down the toilet with him knowing about it.
    We have done everything to try to get him to understand this is not acceptable. He refuses to do any counseling and by law we really have our hands tied since he has to agree to it before we can help him since he is almost 18. I do not agree at all with him doing or dealing marijuana and feel maybe him leaving again is the only choice if he continues. What should I do or any suggestions?
     
  2. st5659

    st5659 New Member



    Hello,

    I understand that you may not want your son doing those types of things.. From personal experience, I graduated as valedictorian of my high school and I started smoking at 16, and dealing at 18 to make a bit of extra cash for gas and food. If your son could find it in him to be disciplined and focus on school, maybe get into playing a musical instrument, and get him excited about learning, the marijuana shouldn't be a problem. Even if you may not like it, it could be a compromise situation with your son so you don't completely lose him or turn him away or make him hate you.. if someone smashed my things I would be furious... counseling is not the answer either, but try to communicate with him. Marijuana is not as worse as a drug like alcohol is. I hope this helps.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It's your home and your rules. For example nobody smokes anything in my home including cigarettes in my home. Nobody. Ever. Fortunately my kids don't smoke but one used to and if I found cigarettes in her purse, and I checked (she was also using drugs) I took them. When your son has his own place he can make his own rules too. I'm sure he will.

    I would not pay for anything at all if I were you, especially a cell phone. If I found pot in his room, I'd toss it. In fact once I called the cops on my daughter, hoping that would scare and help her.Too bad if Son is angry. It's your house. If he uses and sells pot rather than getting a real job, he couldn't live in my home. Also, when he is more mature, he will see you are trying to help him. People grow and see things differently.

    For a while I had to make our daughter leave, which lead to her quitting drugs, growing up, and going to college. Now she has had a boyfriend of twelve years and my precious granddaughter. And her own house. She is sober.We are very close.

    Nobody should be bullied in their own home. If son doesn't like you trying to purge illegal stuff and behavior from your home, he can move out and make his own rules.

    Hugs and good luck.

    by the way, I don't drink. Because its legal and doesn't involve smoke we allow it in house, but not getting drunk. Our friends are largely very low usage drinkers, and we all respect the rules we have in one another's homes. Time needs to pass before we learn if pot is not dangerous in some ways. I do know I want no smoke from any substance in my lungs, including pot. And no reason for the cops to visit.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2016
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome JoJo

    I believe that your home/your rules. My son has been out of control on and off since 15 which started with marijuana but escalated. I smoked it when I was in high school so I'm not totally against it, but I think that some people shouldn't touch it like some should not drink at all - some people have no "off" switch, such as my son. For some it is truly a gateway drug.

    The biggest problem I see is your son is disrespecting your rules and home and being defiant, which is not that uncommon for some teenagers.

    It sounds like you are doing all the right things as parents. Most importantly, imposing consequences as a result of bad behavior.

    I honestly would tell my son that if he were dealing in my home that I would call the police and then I would do it. The police see this type of thing often and sometimes even your son knowing they could be involved may be enough to scare him. You have already have him leave the home and return and that didn't seem to shake him up much.

    Where did he go when he was out of your house? He probably was couch surfing at friends. Why did you let him come home? He may need to be "out" longer. Are there any other children in your house? If you let him come home based on the fact that he had to follow your rules and he already broke them then obviously he just doesn't get it.

    What are his plans after graduation? Does he want to attend college? Does he have any goals?

    There are no easy answers and we all have our own way of dealing with unruly children that soon will be adults. It's a hard road as a parent that is for sure. More will be along to give you their advice and what has worked for them.
     
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  5. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I would try other tactics before throwing him out. Yes, our son did same, we did not know, we also did know he had some severe anxiety, etc.

    Can he go to a therapist, doctor..find out the draw of his usage. He should be able to stop...understand, when he leaves, he will do as he feels fit....sounds like he can function.

    Unfortunately, people are users and live normal lives. My brother in law has smoked daily for 30yrs and is an engineer. I would absolutely make him abide by your rules...but offer other help to.

    Hope this helps..hugs
     
  6. JoJomama1

    JoJomama1 New Member

    Hi, he was couch surfing for away but also staying at a friends house. He seemed to be changing and thought we would give him a chance since it seemed to be wearing him down living on his own. Thought maybe he had had enough. and learned! I have a younger son and yes that does concern me and has made me really think about what this is doing to him. We are hoping he graduates and he says he is. His grade are ok but does have a d and an f. College unsure about it. He has said he wants to go into the military or be firefighter but other than that who knows and is day by day with him. He just seems to have no cares of anything or anyone and now with him doing this, makes me think it will only get worse! it is just getting harder for me since it is so painful to see and to be the one who always has to be the bad guy wears you down.
     
  7. JoJomama1

    JoJomama1 New Member

    I asked him the day I found the pot under his bed. He told me is just bored and nothing better to do. he was into MMA and wrestling and had a great feeling bout himself then he went to Running Start and went down hill from there. I think too much freedom too fast and met up with older people. I told him we wanted him to see a doctor or counselor but he refused and I can not do anything with out his consent because of his age.
     
  8. JoJomama1

    JoJomama1 New Member

    We have been trying to do that with him getting into other things but we learned the hard way what happens with that. He wanted to go to a gym since he stopped doing MMA and wrestling but found out he was just going to a friends house instead. We were paying for it at the time and will not anymore if he decides to do any other activities besides school. He has lost so much money and made so many stupid mistakes doing this (and has paid for it)that I can not believe he has not learned anything.
     
  9. JoJomama1

    JoJomama1 New Member

    Also he knew the rule when he put the stuff in the car and house and had it enforced many of times before. He took that chance to have that stuff disposed of or smashed when he brought it in the house.
     
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Taking the car away was smart. I'd take his phone too. Having either is a privilege.

    Hard to deal drugs with no phone.

    Let him earn them back!
     
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  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The last thing my daughter screamed at me as she left was "I will hate you forever!"

    I was the bad guy. I cried for three weeks.

    Her feelings did not last. Now she has her own house and rules such as you take your shoes off before you come in and, yes, no smoking...lol.

    Not all adult kids respond to tough love, but I don't think ANY respond to walking all over u.s. After all, I think the military and fire fighters drug test and your son will follow their rules or work bussing tables. My husband, a ten year vet, told me many times that in the military your life is not your own. What they say, you do. Where they tell you to do something , you do. When they tell you to move, you move. Much worse mom saying don't sell/smoke grass on property.

    My daughter is in her last year of school for law enforcement. Pretty sure a positive pot test would end her career before it stops.

    They all have to understand that if they live with or work for somebody else, they are NOT in charge of the rules. That's life.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2016
  12. JoJomama1

    JoJomama1 New Member

    Hi, We do not pay for his cell phone or his bill and he does have a job. I'm hoping that will be the case with him being more mature and seeing all we have done for him soon but a lot of the time I wonder if it really will with him. I guess time will tell and keep plugging away with the fight until he is out at 18!
     
  13. JoJomama1

    JoJomama1 New Member

    But the problem is he paid for it with his money from working and the phone bill. I'd be all over it if I paid for it or his bill but not the case. How do I do that?
     
  14. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I'm not sure.

    Maybe someone else on the forum has dealt with this and can tell you what worked for them. My son did not pay for any of it so it was a no brainer.
     
  15. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    In our state, 19 is the adult age...18 means nothing. It could take him until 25 to mature...is there a scared straight program?

    A homeless shelter may scare him...I just know that until you have tried everything..you may play the what if game.
     
  16. JoJomama1

    JoJomama1 New Member

    Thanks everyone for your advice!
    I will continue to fight this battle and hope he will understand someday it was for his own good because we loved him. Just knowing there are others out there going through the same or similar situation and have came out of it ok makes me have hope and the end of this road.
    All I know is that I do not wish this on any parent and for those who are or will be dealing with this, stay strong, stand your ground and fight knowing your doing the right thing for you child! ;0)
     
  17. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    In my experience smoking weed usually leads to stronger drugs. Stronger drugs can truly be deadly and highly addictive I remember when my son was smoking weed and I thought that was so bad and it was but then when he got into the stronger drugs I was shocked and heartbroken. If there's anyway that you can motivate him to focus his energy on something more positive than using marijuana then that would be my strongest suggestion. Our son hated us when we kicked him out and now he says how grateful he is for our tough love, it forced him to changed his life and he's doing wonderful now.
     
  18. JoJomama1

    JoJomama1 New Member

    Thanks for your experience and your advice. My feelings are the same with the use of weed and i know it might not be for everyone but for many it leads to more. I can only hope the same for our son with all the tough love we have done that he will be grateful in the years to come. It makes me so sad but at the same time I can not let him do these things under our roof or allow it around my youngest. He is planning on getting into wrestling and going to the gym to work out so hopefully that will put his mind else where and get him some much need confidence! Fingers crossed!
     
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  19. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Reminder: If our kids did what we wanted them to do we wouldn't be here!
     
  20. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    I know some don't think marjuana is that bad and maybe it's not for some but it was a total gateway drug for my son who ended up a heroin addict. I just think it makes some people lose all motivation. It's not the same marjuana that was around years ago either. I think you are doing the right thing and should be super hard on your son, I never let my son face any consequences when he was young and who knows maybe he wouldn't have ended up this way if I had.