My 19 year old is killing me!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tank011, Jun 9, 2011.

  1. tank011

    tank011 New Member

    She just graduated high school. She stays up all night sleeps all day is demanding and mean. I cant say a word to her not a word. She keeps her room a mess. Is disrespectful and hateful. She says she doesnt hate me and that i have low self esteem. I just want her out of my house and i dont even care if i ever see her again! We have tried to help her. She does not take instruction at all!!! Therefore she doesnt know much. Altho she thinks she does. If she would join the military or go to job core it would at least get her out of this house. Im trying to sell it but her room is always a disaster. If i sell it i can move away from her and she will then have to quickly figure out what to do!
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Glad you got your own thread started. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't be of much help as my kids are only 13. There are many "experts" here so more will be along later. Does she have any mental health issues at all? Has she been a problem before this? Have you given her a deadline to:

    "do something or I am putting all YOUR things (meaning clothes and anything SHE has paid for or gotten as gifts) out in the yard and changing the locks on the doors. You are an adult now and we will NOT support you any longer. The law is on our side. Since you are an adult now, we don't HAVE to provide anything for you anymore."

    That is just my thought. Take it for what it's worth.
  3. tank011

    tank011 New Member

    thank you TeDo. yes, shes always been a problem. i put her in a place when she was 15 for 1 year and a half. she had them convinced she had no mental issues. they did not have her on any medications and the place said she had maybe some mild depression which she ademately denied. she says i put her there when she didnt drink or take drugs or run away like most of the ones there. i put her there because she yelled and me and i couldnt handle her, is what she says. i cant handle her. there is nothing to handle. i pray about this and many other things. imagine getting on the internet and trying to talk to total strangers. thanks for replying and taking up your time.
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    We're not strangers any more, tank. We're parents like you, some of whom have already been through what you are going through now.

    What I suggest you do first, is find out what you are legally permitted to do and what your legal obligations are towards her, if any. We've already had some discussion on this site about this very issue - in some states, such as NY, you have to provide for your child until they are 21, you cannot throw them out. If they leave, they can't get welfare while under 21 because they technically have a home to go to. But the parents are also legally responsible for what their runaway children do.

    So find out what applies in your state, and where you stand. Possibly a call to your local hospital's mental care department (if they have one) might give you some answers.

    Once you know your rights, you will have a better idea of the range of choices available to you.

    If you are trying to sell your house, one option you might have is to move prematurely, so you can have your house NOT lived in while it's on the market. Stay with a friend or rent somewhere. Another sneakier option is to organise for the bathroom to be renovated (rendering the toilets especially, unusable) and move in with a friend for the duration. While you are all moved out, swoop in and toss her room. Give her warning that by a certain date the contents of her room will be removed and put into storage (giving her the bill) or into a skip. Or onto the lawn. Again, check the legality of this, but do what is legal.

    Welcome. I'm glad yo found your way to starting your own thread.

  5. tank011

    tank011 New Member

    haha. yeah i did most of that only i dont follow thru! i suck at this also. i did make her clean it up (have asked for years) and finally because i really needed it cleaned for a showing she sort of cleaned it. we did most of it. her way of cleaning is to put large laundry baskets of clothes in the laundry room one load in the was and one in the dryer. thats it. im so mad i may do the other thing, take everything away. and its a good idea of moving out while trying to sell it. only its very expensive home, and i have 2 others, so im mortgage poor also. i pay for my moms home because i wanted her to have a lovely place in her elder years, since dad didnt provide good enough. what are you doing on this site listening to peoples troubles! omg you must have your own troubles!!! this is time consuming.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hi an dwelcome tank! We are here because this is where our true family is. The people here were here for us when we were going through the awful times, whether with a difficult child child, difficult child sibling, difficult child parent, or just hard times for other reasons. The peopple here understand, do not judge or throw stones, and are not afraid to give us a swift kick in the pants when we need one. They also are people we honestly and truly care about. New people are treated this way because we were all new once.

    You need to start working with your own therapist. Find one that you can like and who can understand what you are feeling and work on why you haven't followed through in the past. You have taught your daughter that you do not mean what you say so she doesn't have to do anything because you won't do anything. You have to work out why you couldn't follow through so that you can start teaching her you will follow through. It isn't going to be easy.

    I am behind the idea of changing the locks. Or the idea of "renovating" so that she will find the home unlivable. What do you do that drives her totally nuts? Blast oldies on the stereo, sing loudly, cook things taht she doesn't like to eat, spray perfume that you like and she hates, keep the temperature too hot or cold for her and put a box over the thermostat so she cannot change it (the way restaurants do), paint it a color she hates, never have anything she likes to eat, whatever you can think of. Even buy pads instead of tampons if she hates them. Whatever you can do to make her unhappy and uncomfortable. I don't know if local businesses let her buy things on your tab, with the understanding that you will pay for them, but if any do give them a letter informing them that you will no longer pay for anything that she puts on your bill, from the date of the letter. Stop buying things for her. Keep food that you like and anything that she might take in a room with a deadbolt on hte door. Keep it locked at all times.

    Start calling the police if she damages anything or brings home drugs or comes home stoned or does anything that is even a minor legal offense. The goal is to make home as unappealing as possible as much as possible. Heck, why not make sure the circuit breakers are in a room with a sturdy lock on the door and flip the one to her room "by accident" periodically when she is in there. then do n't tell her what you did.

    You do have to explore what the legal options are. There is a possibility that you will have to evict her legally. If so , do NOT start court proceedings if you will not follow through. the absolute worst things you can do is to threaten something and not follow through with it. If it comes out of your mouth or you write it down and give it to her, then you have NO choice no matter what she does. You have painted yourself into a corner and have to follow through. IF you can follow through, file the papers with the court. A google search on tenant rights and/or talking to a lawyer to see if an adult child has t eh same rights as a tenant even if they don't pay rent is the best way to make sure you know your options.

    Get creative, be ingenious and think about what she HATES the most. Then make home so uncomfortable and strict that she wants to leave. If you have to clean her room and remove everything that she did not buy with her own money and was not given to her explicitly by you or someone else after she turned 18, take it out of there. Call the police if she has anything illegal in there. If she damages ANYTHING in your home, press charges for vandalism or destruction of private property. If she is violent with you, call the cops and press charges for domestic violence.

    If she has been violent in any way with you, or abusive in any way, even just verbally, get to a domestic violence center and get help. It will be free most likely and they will be able to help you figure out why you tolerated it from her, and how to stop it now. If she is violent with you now? You call the cops. Violence can NEVER be tolerated and needs a very strong, strict response. If the cops take her even for just a night, get a restraining or protective order as her victim. it will mean she cannot contact you or come onto the property of any of your homes. It can be done after hours by calling an offficer and asking how to do it. This will force her to move out or spend time in jail. Again, if you won't do it, don't say you will. It will make things vastly worse very fast.

    I hope this helps. It may take a bit of time to truly be able to follow through, so be patient and kind to yourself. No one deserves it more.
  7. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Removing the TV could be a start. I once lived in a place that had a meter box on the TV, you had to put a coin in the box to turn the TV on. So whoever paid for the TV got to choose what we all watched. Similarly, almost everything else in the place was locked down with coin in the slot to make it work. Another place - there was a lock on the phone, you couldn't use the phone without a key.

    I also was billeted once in a place with no TV, only the radio. We needed the news so the radio was on constantly. It was a very long three days...

    I found that once I left home (at 17), I learned real fast to appreciate my parents and what they had provided for me!