We are missing some HUGE issues here. Yes, I totally agree you are living with a controlling man who makes zero sense. Get out of there. At least until you know him better. You knew him as an acquaintance for 35 years, not as a potential spouse. There is a whole world of difference there. You have a tendency to go for controlling spouses. Have you spent any significant time at all in alanon family meetings? If not, you desperately NEED to. Alcoholism is a family disease because the entire family has huge behavior changes to adapt to living with the alcoholic. It takes a lot of time to change those behaviors to healthy ones.
Now, the issues we missed. Your son is threatening suicide. Every single time he does this, call 911. Have him transported to the hospital for evaluation. I don't care what this does to his new job. He needs to learn that the whole world STOPS when he makes this threat and he has to be evaluated and if possible kept for 3-10 days for evaluation and treatment. If you can, keep your phone handy and record his threats before you call 911 so that you can play his threats for the doctors.
As long as he is living on your property, ask/insist that you be on his HIPPA forms. It really helps to have someone who can talk to your doctors. NOT to manipulate anything or interfere, but so that if there is an emergency, your doctors can tell someone what is going on or talk to someone. I still have people on my HIPPA forms, including my mother. I am almost 50.
He needs to ask for a DNA test to find out which antidepressants are likely to work for him. Insurance will usually cover this, but check before you order it. Given his reactions, it would probably be worth the cost even if it isn't covered. I don't know why this isn't done routinely, but many psychiatrists still don't offer it routinely. Ask for it. Insist on it. I don't care if the doctor says it isn't something he totally relies on or whatever the reason is for not offering it before. I think it would greatly cut down on the trial and error of medications for your son. That would be a very very good thing. The test will show you which antidepressants are likely to work for your son. Given the anger, I think maybe he got some that were SSRI/SNRI or else he is just very sensitive to serotonin. Many people don't tolerate having their norepinephrine messed with. I am one of them. I got very angry when I took a combined ssri/snri antidepressant. At low levels it only worked on the ssri receptors and didn't do much. When they increased it, wow. It was ugly. I was so angry and I got bizarre side effects. Not everyone gets the side effects or the anger, or both. I was just lucky, or unlucky. The DNA test will give you a better idea of which of the antidepressants will work. I think it just works for the newer ones.
The current school of thought is that most people who present with depression are actually bipolar and don't seek help except when they are in the lows of depression. They like the highs of the manic state. This may actually be true for your son. It would explain his reaction to antidepressants. They tend to make those who are bipolar react differently, either becoming manic or going into a mixed state. A mixed state usually presents with a LOT of anger. If this is true, your son would need a mood stabilizer rather than an antidepressant. An antidepressant would be exactly the WRONG thing for him. This is something you should discuss with his psychiatrist.
I would place his suicide threats and depression as much bigger issues than his girlfriend spending the night. Honestly, if the boyfriend's son is not paying rent, and your son is, then your son is a tenant. The boyfriend has no right to dictate terms to your son as your son is a tenant in a separate space. He is not infringing on the boyfriend's house. I think the boyfriend is a hypocritical controlling idiot making waves where there shouldn't be any. If he wants his son to not have his girlfriend sleep over, that is his business. Tell him to keep his nose out of your son's business. If he cannot, move out.
I have an aunt who married a guy she had known for 30 years. She thought he was a great guy and would be a good husband. She had had more than her share of bad husbands. He was her 7th husband. And her 8th husband. She divorced him and remarried him, mostly because he stalked her in between and she was terrified not to. He was a scary, horrible, controlling, awful husband. Oh, he was great to her for the first couple of months after the wedding. But then he showed his true nature. It shocked and scared everyone. She pulled away from the entire family in ways she hadn't before, even in previous bad marriages to abusive guys. She was always so afraid of what he would do to the rest of us that she was afraid to even speak to us.
Knowing someone as a friend for a long time is NOT knowing them as a partner or spouse. You are getting a preview of his hypocritical, controlling ways right here. He is perfectly fine living with you, but not allowing your son, who is in a separate space and paying rent, to have his girlfriend spend the night. There is no logic to his reasoning. There won't be any logic to his reasoning for his other rules, either.
