My 19 year old son is threatening suicide because he said he is sick of even being here

SomewhereOutThere,

I feel like, unfortunately, yes the camper needs to be moved too. My son does have a job and he just started working 12 hours a day- it will be 7 days a week, so he will earn good money. And you are right, I feel like an absolute hypocrite; I have never lived with a man unmarried until now. So that is going to have to change and since I don't feel ready to go for an actual 3rd marriage yet, the only option will be for me to move as well. I guess this will be an ultimate test of my fiancé's love for me. I know I love my son unconditionally and I need to be setting a better example. I want so badly to give him back the stability he had before. I know he wants to be independent so no one can take his stability away ever again. I won't coddle him or support him financially and he has said he does not want that. But I will provide him a feeling of family and mental support using caution so he doesn't manipulate me. I've had experience through my mother with manipulation so at least I know how to spot it.
 

DoneDad

Well-Known Member
Fiance is living with somebody he's not married too.

Son is 19 and paying rent.

Fiancé says he can't have girlfriend spend the night.

Why not? He's not his father.

You've gotten involved with controlling men before. Could this be a warning sign that you're making the same mistake again?
 
I have to sign off for now -about to drive home from work. Thank you all so much for welcoming me and giving your honest feedback and suggestions; I hope you all know how much this means when we are in a desperate situation and seeking the advice from other parents. I hope I can be of help to someone in the future.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Done Dad, i love your advice almost all the time.

Doesnt sound like both of them agreed to this. Fiance made a unilateral decision. While it is his property, the young man pays rent. Why on earth does this man care who he sleeps with? You are so right, he is NOT the father and is not morally opposed to people living together because he is doing it.

I am also afraid this is another control freak. Control freaks make lousy partners. My first husband was one. I got out and my second husband is a lovebug...not controlling at all and very sweet. Huge difference.
 

AppleCori

Well-Known Member
Being able to sit and talk with your fiancé and reach a mutually acceptable agreement is more about the relationship between you two than about the camper and overnight visitors.

You need to know if you two can work out problems together, and not have a situation where one person controls the relationship.

Let us know what you decide!

Apple
 

susiestar

Roll With It
We are missing some HUGE issues here. Yes, I totally agree you are living with a controlling man who makes zero sense. Get out of there. At least until you know him better. You knew him as an acquaintance for 35 years, not as a potential spouse. There is a whole world of difference there. You have a tendency to go for controlling spouses. Have you spent any significant time at all in alanon family meetings? If not, you desperately NEED to. Alcoholism is a family disease because the entire family has huge behavior changes to adapt to living with the alcoholic. It takes a lot of time to change those behaviors to healthy ones.

Now, the issues we missed. Your son is threatening suicide. Every single time he does this, call 911. Have him transported to the hospital for evaluation. I don't care what this does to his new job. He needs to learn that the whole world STOPS when he makes this threat and he has to be evaluated and if possible kept for 3-10 days for evaluation and treatment. If you can, keep your phone handy and record his threats before you call 911 so that you can play his threats for the doctors.

As long as he is living on your property, ask/insist that you be on his HIPPA forms. It really helps to have someone who can talk to your doctors. NOT to manipulate anything or interfere, but so that if there is an emergency, your doctors can tell someone what is going on or talk to someone. I still have people on my HIPPA forms, including my mother. I am almost 50.

He needs to ask for a DNA test to find out which antidepressants are likely to work for him. Insurance will usually cover this, but check before you order it. Given his reactions, it would probably be worth the cost even if it isn't covered. I don't know why this isn't done routinely, but many psychiatrists still don't offer it routinely. Ask for it. Insist on it. I don't care if the doctor says it isn't something he totally relies on or whatever the reason is for not offering it before. I think it would greatly cut down on the trial and error of medications for your son. That would be a very very good thing. The test will show you which antidepressants are likely to work for your son. Given the anger, I think maybe he got some that were SSRI/SNRI or else he is just very sensitive to serotonin. Many people don't tolerate having their norepinephrine messed with. I am one of them. I got very angry when I took a combined ssri/snri antidepressant. At low levels it only worked on the ssri receptors and didn't do much. When they increased it, wow. It was ugly. I was so angry and I got bizarre side effects. Not everyone gets the side effects or the anger, or both. I was just lucky, or unlucky. The DNA test will give you a better idea of which of the antidepressants will work. I think it just works for the newer ones.

The current school of thought is that most people who present with depression are actually bipolar and don't seek help except when they are in the lows of depression. They like the highs of the manic state. This may actually be true for your son. It would explain his reaction to antidepressants. They tend to make those who are bipolar react differently, either becoming manic or going into a mixed state. A mixed state usually presents with a LOT of anger. If this is true, your son would need a mood stabilizer rather than an antidepressant. An antidepressant would be exactly the WRONG thing for him. This is something you should discuss with his psychiatrist.

I would place his suicide threats and depression as much bigger issues than his girlfriend spending the night. Honestly, if the boyfriend's son is not paying rent, and your son is, then your son is a tenant. The boyfriend has no right to dictate terms to your son as your son is a tenant in a separate space. He is not infringing on the boyfriend's house. I think the boyfriend is a hypocritical controlling idiot making waves where there shouldn't be any. If he wants his son to not have his girlfriend sleep over, that is his business. Tell him to keep his nose out of your son's business. If he cannot, move out.

I have an aunt who married a guy she had known for 30 years. She thought he was a great guy and would be a good husband. She had had more than her share of bad husbands. He was her 7th husband. And her 8th husband. She divorced him and remarried him, mostly because he stalked her in between and she was terrified not to. He was a scary, horrible, controlling, awful husband. Oh, he was great to her for the first couple of months after the wedding. But then he showed his true nature. It shocked and scared everyone. She pulled away from the entire family in ways she hadn't before, even in previous bad marriages to abusive guys. She was always so afraid of what he would do to the rest of us that she was afraid to even speak to us.

Knowing someone as a friend for a long time is NOT knowing them as a partner or spouse. You are getting a preview of his hypocritical, controlling ways right here. He is perfectly fine living with you, but not allowing your son, who is in a separate space and paying rent, to have his girlfriend spend the night. There is no logic to his reasoning. There won't be any logic to his reasoning for his other rules, either.
 

Teriobe

Active Member
Your fiance is a hypocrite. You can live together but not your 19 yr old who pays rent! Thats way not fair. Hes an adult. Hopefully your son can get help and move away, cause i see your fiance running the show, and they will clash for sure. Sounds as if your son is soo frustrated he cuts etc. Therapy!
 
Susiestar I never knew a DNA test could be done to determine the proper medicine - I will definitely insist he has that done! Everyone here has been very supportive and I am thankful so I want to give you all an update. My fiancé and I talked it out last night (I argued, he talked) I was reacting out of panic because I want my son fixed Now. To be completely honest, I am terrified and I felt like if his girlfriend stayed with him that would comfort him so I was pushing it. My fiancé's stand on this is that he feels my son, although paying rent, should have more respect for his fiance' than to move her into a camper. He also feels like if my son is so busy working to provide his own place then hopefully he will pull out of this depression on his own. He told me he does not care if she visits my son every single day but she needs to go home at a decent time so he can be rested to work toward a place for them. I may have left this out but his son also pays rent and lives inside the house; the reason for him not wanting his son to have a girl spend the night is because he doesn't want some young girl in the house half naked. I don't want that either. I just wanted my son fixed because my heart is breaking. I have never had a man in my life that could actually lead a family, never had that as a child, never had a leader in either of my 2 marriages so it is hard for me to swallow. I have always had to be the leader (Or felt like I had to be) and evidently my decisions have come from a mother's viewpoint which looks like it's not good for a son. My fiancé talked to my son last night and I stayed away while they talked - hard to do! My son wasn't happy when he left, but he wasn't raging mad either; I wonder if it actually made my son feel good that a man finally took enough interest in him to talk to him about this? I got out of bed last night and just had some quiet time in prayer on what to do. I laid back down and an idea hit me to sell the camper and help my son get his own place to rent - My son did express to me out of anger yesterday that he only planned on living in the camper for 2 months anyway. I found a farmhouse this morning, not fancy but it would be something my son and his fiancé could afford, it's not too far away but far enough for my son to have his space with no one telling him who can spend the night with him and alleviating any further disagreements between me and my fiancé -therefore, I hope we can all come together on good terms and all get along, building a stable environment for my son. I hope my fiancé will agree with this solution - I will find out tonight when I talk with him. From what I have said in this post what do you all think? I feel like I was in the wrong and I didn't see the whole picture..
 

AppleCori

Well-Known Member
I can see what your fiance's concerns are, now.

It is a legitimate concern, and you say you agree, so it seems that you have come to a meeting of the minds on the subject.

This rule was in place for his son long before your son moved to the property, so he is not picking on your son. I think your son needs to respect his position and let it go. This is called being an adult and not throwing a tantrum when we don't get what we want.

My concern now is that you seem to want to do everything for your son, to "fix" him and make it all better. It sounds like your son has a plan of his own in the works. He is an adult now, and should be the one to decide these things. Maybe step back and let him figure this one out? It is more empowering for our adult kids when we let them make decisions about their own lives.

Just a thought....
 
Applecori,

My son called me a few minutes ago wanting the number to a psychiatrist so that makes me feel better. I am going to try my best not to fix my son but I sure want to. He sounds very tired and down but at least he is seeking help. I still feel like it is my responsibility, given the history of my 2 failed marriages and his father refusing to help, for me to at least help him get set up on his own - maybe I could pay for the deposits on utilities and he can pay the deposit and first months rent. I helped my other 2 children get started and they took over from there. Does that seem like I am still coddling and being mommy? He still is welcome to choose the camper with my fiancé's rule of no spending the night with his girlfriend. I just figure if he doesn't want the camper for that reason and there is going to be constant fighting and disruption, then it would be better to help him get on his feet somewhere else since he's never on his own financially before. I just want to do the right thing.

Thank you
 

AppleCori

Well-Known Member
I am so glad he is wanting to go to the psychiatrist! That is a positive step in the right direction, and it is his idea so he is more likely to follow through.

Getting his mental health needs met is so much more important than whether his girlfriend spends the night or not.

I'm not opposed to helping a young adult get a start with deposits and such. I just prefer that they be the driving force and that they "own" the decisions, not us. They are in control of their lives, and we are on the sidelines.

If we could fix them, we would, but it doesn't work like that.

They have to be strong and work hard to fix themselves, and we don't want to get in the way of that.

I think you have a lot of misplaced guilt. Stop blaming yourself for everything. You did the best you could with what you had to deal with.
 
I am so glad he is wanting to go to the psychiatrist! That is a positive step in the right direction, and it is his idea so he is more likely to follow through.

Getting his mental health needs met is so much more important than whether his girlfriend spends the night or not.

I'm not opposed to helping a young adult get a start with deposits and such. I just prefer that they be the driving force and that they "own" the decisions, not us. They are in control of their lives, and we are on the sidelines.

If we could fix them, we would, but it doesn't work like that.

They have to be strong and work hard to fix themselves, and we don't want to get in the way of that.

I think you have a lot of misplaced guilt. Stop blaming yourself for everything. You did the best you could with what you had to deal with.
 
Applecori,

I am really thankful for all the input I have received from everyone here! I really don't know what I would have done yesterday if I had not found this site. It has been a blessing to me and hopefully I can be one to someone else who needs it one day. I'll post more as time goes along with hopefully, some happy news!
 

AppleCori

Well-Known Member
I hope you will stay with us, JWH

I apologize if anything said here has been too harsh.

You are doing the best you can, as we all are...
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
There is a fine line between taking control and being controlling. I am seriously still worried about this man trying to impose his will on you and your son who will never br his son

The time to have family stability is when young. Many of us never get that as a child. I didnt. As an adult, new people wont make up for childhood instability. But again many kids lack stability and turn out fine. Dont try to redo his childhood. You cant. Son needs to grow on his own and find that stability from within. Therapy can help if he is committed and not just trying to get brownie points from you (money). Therapy was the key for my inner healing in spite of childhood abuse. So I hope he is sincere.

It is your choice, but the parents here have had little good experiences by paying rent for their adult kids. Let him do it. I believe you did say he can afford it. If he needs food let him apply for Foodshare or go to food pantries. You dont need to rush him a meal every night. That keeps him young. He is 19, not 9, and can learn to cook fof himself. Many men cook. And he needs to learn how to call for and go to services so he can help himself. Mommying him at his age will only keep him needy and immature. That will make him more depressed.

Think about this man you are with. I feel his thinkig was not that sound. YOU arent running around naked in his house lol. Neither would a young woman who stayed with his son. As for your son going to sleep for for work, again this is not his son and son is 19. Will he impose a bedtime? I am skittish about how he seems to want to impose his rules all in on a young man who is not even his. I would have been scared off, but we are all different.

Get therapy though before going further with this man. Please do this for yourself and all of your grown kids. You dont want another failed marriage. Maybe you should go to premarital counseling. He seems to keep his reasons for his actions from you, and that indicates poor communication.

Good luck!!
 
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Applecori,

I have seen the red flags of the control with my fiance' and since I have always had to be the leader in my life and the "go-to" person, it stands out like a sore thumb to me because I am just not able to be submissive. I really feel like he has good intentions but I am not going to rush out to marry him and I too, think I need additional therapy; I've had one counselor out of many who helped me realize some things about my mother that I had never thought of before; that helped me walk away from her destructive behavior; she committed suicide anyway - no matter what I did to try and help her but I was able to finally realize that wasn't my fault, through therapy. It's just so hard when I know suicide is so real since both my parents did it; that I panic anytime one of my kids has to deal with depression. This is the only child who has ever said to me he doesn't want to live. He will be getting help and I am glad he is willing; I will be getting help as well so I don't make another marital mistake.
 

AppleCori

Well-Known Member
If you see red flags in the relationship, then you do need to be wary. Getting therapy for yourself seems like a good idea. Maybe you should step back from the relationship for a while, until you feel more healthy? Is it possible for you to move out on your own?

Whenever you feel you are ready to marry again (whether it is to this guy or someone else) get pre-marital counseling. It really helps. I have a friend that was told after pre-marital counseling that she shouldn't marry the guy. She did anyway, and belatedly realized the counselor was right.

Oh, Anytime your son threatens suicide, you should call 911.
 
Thank you so much for the advice and I thank everyone else here as well. You guys really did rescue me yesterday! I agree with the pre-marital counseling. And if he threatens again I am not going to hesitate to call 911 - Thank you again :)
 
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