My 20 yr old daughter sexually assaulted again during a night of drinking

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by trolli, Jul 9, 2016.

  1. trolli

    trolli New Member

    I posted a while back about my daughter who has a substance abuse problem (mostly alcohol) as well as some undiagnosed psyc issues (possibly borderline )anxiety,etc.Her history is extensive,alot of which I detailed in a previous thread.Some of you were so kind and welcoming to me and I'm at a point,I simply have no where to turn,not much support.I just returned from a trip 2 hrs from our home,to pick her up from the police station in a beach town,where she was sexually assaulted by an aquaintance.A friend drove me,as my husband refused to go.This incident is the SECOND time this has occured,the last time about a,year and a half ago.She has multiple dui's and relies on "friends" to shuttle her around socially and me to work(when she keeps,a job,which isn't long usually),court,probation,etc.I am completely numb at this point and feel that I have very little left to give to her.She is completely destroying my marriage,my health and this,family.It feels hopeless.I know that if she was truly raped that she is,a victim,but I cannot help but feel that she puts,herself in these situations by over drinking and at times around people she barely knows,in her attempt to maintain a social life.She has a substance abuse counselor that I'm not sure has really helped that much.She refuses rehab and not sure the court's will order it on her pending final dui.We paid an attorney for the past one and now this one and regret it,because I think she needs to be ordered to treatment and HER goal is a conviction with a provisional license.We are absolutely done with paying anymore legal fees.She will stay in jail.We left her there for a week on the last dui,and honestly wish we had left her longer.It's SO hard.
  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Trolli. How old is your daughter? It would help if you created a signature to help us remember your story. My advice would be different if she is 15 then if she is 25.

    Here is how to create a signature:

    1. Log in

    2. Select Signature in the user control panel.

    3. Create your signature in the signature text box.

    Click "Save Changes" and your signature will display at the bottom of your posts.

  3. trolli

    trolli New Member

    Thanks so much for your guidance Kathy.I am trying to navigate the site and am not the most technologically advanced person,lol,so any suggestions are helpful.My daughter is 20.I detailed her history some time ago but might need to try again.I'm desperate for support so finding this site gave me some hope.Thanks again
  4. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I feel your anguish.... Our son, when he was at his worst, was a huge strain on the family, on our marriage... It was hell.

    We are all doing a bit better now that he isn't dealing and has moved out. ( so even if he is.... It's not in my house anymore)

    I come to this site when I feel lost .... Reading the stories helps me feel grounded, like I'm not alone. There are other parents in this pain who can relate.

    It's so hard .... These babes who we mothered, loved, did everything to nurture ... And they choose self destruction. For me the hardest is seeing his friends doing well. I always feel like "what did I do wrong? What could have been different?"

    It's a terrible game we play... Blaming ourselves, getting angry, then sad.... It all just keeps us in a circle of crisis. I'm learning to get off the merry go round of dysfunctional behaviour, but it isn't easy.

    Trying to stay back, not fix everything. Just got a new parking ticket in the mail... So much money we have wasted on his issues and lack of responsibility.

    Hang in there. Keep posting. It helps.
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  5. trolli

    trolli New Member

    Thanks for your kind words Colleen.I am grateful that I found this site.Your exactly right,reading others stories makes me feel less isolated and alone in all of this.Yes,I think the hardest part sometimes is watching girls she went to school with or even my friends daughters progressing nicely through life.I actually find myself resenting them at times or even strangers out in public doing normal mother/daughter things.Our relationship is so strained that I can hardly stand to be in a room with her,let alone shop or have fun.I hate the bitterness within me
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  6. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    Perhaps this experience will teach her that her "friends" are not her friends?

    I would suggest trying one last time to try to get her to go to treatment. If she still can't see the light, then I would wash my hands of her. She made her bed, let her sleep in it!

    Also do encourage her to prosecute the person who did this to her. These kids need to learn there are consequences for their actions - that life is not a video game where you can hit "reset" and all is well.
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Trolli - this sounds very scary! I think women are more vulnerable then men in these situations.

    You may have to do what we did with my son. It was either treatment or find someplace else to live - which would have been a shelter. He's did great for some time but then relapsed and now is back and fighting the system.

    I just got off the phone with his new therapist. He is giving her a hard time. At least she knows we didn't raise him like that and she now knows that we are all on the same page! Tough love and detachment is very hard but seems to help in the long run. I am also going to therapy myself because my son's actions were destroying me.

    This site has been a lifesaver for me also. I too watch all my friend's kids excel and exceed and I resent it too which makes me feel horrible.

    Hang in there and keep posting. We are all dealing with something we did not choose!
  8. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis


    To read your words is like hearing my own. People are prepping their children to leave for college and I can't go to the store without crying...why????

    Families look normal, I feel like we are hiding this big shameful secret, but mental health and the disease of addiction shouldn't be this way. I k now they are so unlovable at times....I dread every time the phone rings.

    Much love to you family.
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  10. trolli

    trolli New Member

    Sorry I am just now updating.Been a rough couple weeks as we recently found out she contracted an STD from the assault,so now it's even more difficult.The good news is that she has not drank in the past couple weeks (which is a long time for her) and has agreed to go to treatment.We are looking at a facility in NC that camecrecommended by a,friend but I'm dealing with insurance and wondering if this place can address all of her issues.It's a one shot deal for us,as she has almost financially bankrupted us in legal and medical bills,so I have to get it right.I agree that she has to go if she does not plug in and do the work in treatment.I think it's a different scenario kicking a daughter out then a son (I have both).Hard either way,I know but still different.Thanks for the words of support.I feel this will be a long and difficult road
  11. trolli

    trolli New Member

    Yes,exactly RN! It's so different with a female.I'm trying hard to detach but as soon as I do,I get pulled back in.I know I probably need to see a therapist as well.Good for you! I do hope your son finds healing and you,comfort.Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my post with kindness
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  12. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I'm sure you will make the best decision. Don't be afraid to ask many questions.

    PrAying for a recovery road!
  13. trolli

    trolli New Member

    Thanks mof.Navigating this world is scary and difficult.Nice to know there are others that can understand your pain and frustration.I have some wonderful friends but unless you have walked this path with a child it is impossible to fully know the depth of your pain and despair at times.Thank you again : )
  14. trolli

    trolli New Member

    can you tell me how the sober living house works?My 20 yr old goes in for treatment very soon and I know coming back to our small town and the same "friends" is going to restart the cycle.It breaks my heart to say,but our family needs the break from her.She is a young 20 so living on her own is something I can't imagine but at the same time she will destroy us all if she comes home.She has had 3 dui's so being near public transportation is her only hope and unfortunately we live in the country.We considered selling our house and moving to where she would have access to transportation but thst takes time and I'm just not sure it's something we should or could do.Any thoughts or suggestions?I suppose I'm putting the cart before the horse as she has yet to enter treatment.Prayers for your son
  15. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    is why I would not do this:
    We all share this: our lives are colored by the pain of our children and our worry for them. Whether we are angry or detached or in the thick of it, their difficulties seem to define us. Among all of the things we are or do we seem to be parents of troubled kids, on the deepest level.

    You have read, I think, the page on detachment. And one of us yesterday I think posted an article for Psychology Today about signs you are in too deep with your adult kid. Most of us seem to have flunked. Even those of us who are detaching. Honestly, Trolli, if anybody tells you there is a way out of this, look at them long and steadily. Because I do not think there is. Only through it.

    So the question for me is how. How do we get through it? I think the first thing is to realize there are no right answers because you have no control what so ever in this. The only answer that you will ever give that is the right one is No. This is the answer that will most profoundly affect your child and enable her to turn to her own resources or not.

    Now, I am one parent here who keeps trying. My son was here with me for 5 months or so and I had to kick him out yesterday. It was very painful. But I had no choice. I had to do it because we had only one rule: being with us, you have to better yourself. This was my bottom line:
    He had continued to use drugs (marijuana, caffeine pills, ?). He had a violent outburst where he busted a wall (this had happened before.) We insisted on treatment. We gave him a week. When the week expired, he was out. No excuses.
    My sense on this for my son is that I will not stop trying to influence him to go to treatment, but that does not mean I will succeed.
    This is wonderful news

    The important thing here is to beef yourself up, so that you can endure this. It really is not as much about your daughter as it is about you. You getting stronger. She will take care of herself. One way or another. But if you get stronger, tolerating what happens will be easier to bear for you. You will be able to better draw those lines in the sand, and extend more appropriate support.

    This whole thing is a process, a life changing process for the both of you. I never knew how much I loved my son until things got tough, and I believed I could not or would not do more. I closed my heart and my ears. It was if I killed off a part of myself by turning away from his pain and his struggle. But I could not bear more. I was not strong enough.

    Then I found CD and I found a way to open my heart again, because I got strong enough to bear it. For me detaching was a way back to my son, with the confidence that I could say no, again and again and again, if I had to.

    I believe my child needs me. But he needs to do it himself.
  16. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Sure..first of all, sorry for this hurts.

    Sober living houses are businesses, where we are they are not controlled by any state or such. My son has been in two...they were both suggested by the treatment center.

    Prices vary...usually by location. My son has no car, staff gets him to any appts. His they have 4 guys to an apartment , they have mandatory meditation, mtgs and must have a sponsor. At some point they have to get work...some use food stamps. We have found that rules are not too flexible, so visit and ask questions.

    It was what my son asked for....He cannot be isolated..He is with many young guys. He left first house as it was in bad neighborhood and .most guys were much older....they are to find comm there.

    It is a stepping stone from residential care to being more independent....does that help??

    I wish we knew more at beginning!
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    One thing that seems to be the rule is that a sober house is useless if it is our idea rather than theirs. They have to want to quit in order to be willing to do the hard work it takes for a sober mindset. Some seem to not even pay attention to the sober houses tools.

    I don't know if sober houses take pot users? Do they? It's not physically addictive and it's legal in some places.

    I am sorry Copa. I thought things were going well. I'm sorry they did not turn out that way. People can be very stubborn about pot.
  18. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Copa...sorry for your pain recently. Everyday I get up and keep moving, but my heart hurts everyday. Today I was's a cycle.

    Yup, I believe we walk through it, but all I can do for him is hope he uses the tools he has to walk through it too.
  19. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis son relapsed with pot and was thrown out for 7 days til he was clean. It is not legal here...but is considered a mind altering drug. It is so excepted by the young, but addicts I. Believe can have none of that.

    I think that will be the hardest to stay away from.

    also..some houses hold onto the medications and give them, some you have to maintain your medications yourself. I was shocked our son wanted to move in. But after 5 mos.....he's done.
  20. trolli

    trolli New Member

    Wow!Such powerful words and I took them all in.I have gotten stronger but I know I'm not where I should be,but maybe reading these stories will get me there.My heart aches for every mother going through this.It's a sisterhood I believe that's founded on our pain and struggles.Thanks for the words