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Substance Abuse
My 20 yr old daughter sexually assaulted again during a night of drinking
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 695742" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This:is why I would not do this: We all share this: our lives are colored by the pain of our children and our worry for them. Whether we are angry or detached or in the thick of it, their difficulties seem to define us. Among all of the things we are or do we seem to be parents of troubled kids, on the deepest level.</p><p></p><p>You have read, I think, the page on detachment. And one of us yesterday I think posted an article for Psychology Today about signs you are in too deep with your adult kid. Most of us seem to have flunked. Even those of us who are detaching. Honestly, Trolli, if anybody tells you there is a way out of this, look at them long and steadily. Because I do not think there is. Only through it.</p><p></p><p>So the question for me is how. How do we get through it? I think the first thing is to realize there are no right answers because you have no control what so ever in this. The only answer that you will ever give that is the right one is <em>No</em>. This is the answer that will most profoundly affect your child and enable her to turn to her own resources or not.</p><p></p><p>Now, I am one parent here who keeps trying. My son was here with me for 5 months or so and I had to kick him out yesterday. It was very painful. But I had no choice. I had to do it because we had only one rule: being with us, you have to better yourself. This was my bottom line:</p><p>He had continued to use drugs (marijuana, caffeine pills, ?). He had a violent outburst where he busted a wall (this had happened before.) We insisted on treatment. We gave him a week. When the week expired, he was out. No excuses.</p><p>My sense on this for my son is that I will not stop trying to influence him to go to treatment, but that does not mean I will succeed.</p><p>This is wonderful news</p><p></p><p>The important thing here is to beef yourself up, so that you can endure this. It really is not as much about your daughter as it is about you. You getting stronger. She will take care of herself. One way or another. But if you get stronger, tolerating what happens will be easier to bear for you. You will be able to better draw those lines in the sand, and extend more appropriate support.</p><p></p><p>This whole thing is a process, a life changing process for the both of you. I never knew how much I loved my son until things got tough, and I believed I could not or would not do more. I closed my heart and my ears. It was if I killed off a part of myself by turning away from his pain and his struggle. But I could not bear more. I was not strong enough.</p><p></p><p>Then I found CD and I found a way to open my heart again, because I got strong enough to bear it. For me detaching was a way back to my son, with the confidence that I could say no, again and again and again, if I had to.</p><p></p><p>I believe my child needs me. But he needs to do it himself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 695742, member: 18958"] This:is why I would not do this: We all share this: our lives are colored by the pain of our children and our worry for them. Whether we are angry or detached or in the thick of it, their difficulties seem to define us. Among all of the things we are or do we seem to be parents of troubled kids, on the deepest level. You have read, I think, the page on detachment. And one of us yesterday I think posted an article for Psychology Today about signs you are in too deep with your adult kid. Most of us seem to have flunked. Even those of us who are detaching. Honestly, Trolli, if anybody tells you there is a way out of this, look at them long and steadily. Because I do not think there is. Only through it. So the question for me is how. How do we get through it? I think the first thing is to realize there are no right answers because you have no control what so ever in this. The only answer that you will ever give that is the right one is [I]No[/I]. This is the answer that will most profoundly affect your child and enable her to turn to her own resources or not. Now, I am one parent here who keeps trying. My son was here with me for 5 months or so and I had to kick him out yesterday. It was very painful. But I had no choice. I had to do it because we had only one rule: being with us, you have to better yourself. This was my bottom line: He had continued to use drugs (marijuana, caffeine pills, ?). He had a violent outburst where he busted a wall (this had happened before.) We insisted on treatment. We gave him a week. When the week expired, he was out. No excuses. My sense on this for my son is that I will not stop trying to influence him to go to treatment, but that does not mean I will succeed. This is wonderful news The important thing here is to beef yourself up, so that you can endure this. It really is not as much about your daughter as it is about you. You getting stronger. She will take care of herself. One way or another. But if you get stronger, tolerating what happens will be easier to bear for you. You will be able to better draw those lines in the sand, and extend more appropriate support. This whole thing is a process, a life changing process for the both of you. I never knew how much I loved my son until things got tough, and I believed I could not or would not do more. I closed my heart and my ears. It was if I killed off a part of myself by turning away from his pain and his struggle. But I could not bear more. I was not strong enough. Then I found CD and I found a way to open my heart again, because I got strong enough to bear it. For me detaching was a way back to my son, with the confidence that I could say no, again and again and again, if I had to. I believe my child needs me. But he needs to do it himself. [/QUOTE]
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My 20 yr old daughter sexually assaulted again during a night of drinking
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