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My 20 yr old daughter wants nothing to do with me anylonger.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 697424" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi. I am sorry for your pain. I would have called the police too if anyone hit my minor child.</p><p></p><p>your daughter is of legal age now and, as hard as it is, the best way to not antaganize her more is to stay out of her choices. Obviously your daughter needs help, but not from you. She needs professional help. But you cant make her get any. You cant change her feelings for this loser (if he still hits her) by talking trash sbout him and you can't make her leave him. You can only be there if she comes to you. If you hate on him and she lives him you will turn them into Romeo and Juliette. Don't do it anymore.</p><p></p><p>Sounds like you are too much in her life. She swears? So what. Her boyfriend doesn't have a high paying job? That is not your business. She has to leave the relationship. Nothing you say can make her do that. She doesnt want your involvement.</p><p></p><p>There is a new pop therapy where young adult kids are told to leave and stop contacting theit toxic parents (and toxic can mean anything). It is mean and hurtful and the adults who hurt their parents dont care if they hurt us. There are forums just for estranged parents. They probably would understand your pain more than here.</p><p></p><p>Put "estranged parents of adult children" and "rejected parents of adult children" in your search engine and you will find forums. Start reading and maybe posting. In rejected parents of adult children, there is slso a good book about this. All the parents there were dumped like trash by their adult kids. Most dont even know why. But it is a mean trend in an age where family doesnt mean what it used to mean. Parents are disposible.</p><p></p><p>in the meantime, maybe set boundaries and rules in your home. No 25 year old should still with you without working full time, paying rent and being clean and respectful to you. They do not respect us if we let them walk all over us. This is often a dynamic in estrangement...we allowed them to treat us poorly.</p><p></p><p>Although it hurts, on the sites for estrangement, many women learn to live with estrangement and see it in a new light and learn to realize that kids who would cut out their mothers hearts often are mentally ill, especially with things such as borderline personality disorder. Google that up and see if your daughter may fit that diagnosis.</p><p></p><p>Right now give her space and let her come to you. We, as parents, want to fix and change our kids if we feel they are in danger, but if thay are 18 or over, there is nothing we can do. In this day and age, where family is easily discarded, you accomplish nothing by trying to interfer. It is not rare for a significant other to be chosen over a parent. This happened to me, Im not sure what I did, but it has been over ten years now and I grieved and no longer wonder. I focus on my own life, as should you,and my other kids and husband and others who are kind to me. But I never tell my grown kids what to do. They often come to me to confide and I am there to hug them and be there for them, but they make their own choices. I did that with my estranged son too, but we adopted him at six from an orphanage in another country and he had attachment issues...I realize now that expecting him to bond like infants do was unrealistic. I still had to grieve the loss of him.</p><p></p><p>You will get through thus. Look up the sites for estranged parents. You will get advice and love from those in the trenches of this. I recommend not going yo Dr. Josh Colemsns sight, but all the others are very helpful. Dr. Coleman always blames the parent and that hurts a lot of us.</p><p></p><p>Read those forums top to bottom and then decide what to do next and if you feel suicidal go yo the emergency room. Nobody should have so much power over you that you take your life, not even a probably disturbed adult child. And refrain, if she does get in touch, from doing much more than listening. She loves this loser and you can't change that. Only she can decide to change it.</p><p></p><p>I hope you find solace in the forums I directed you to. Remember...no more over involvement in your adult daughter's sad love life. And set some boundaries for your oldest. You dont want her to think you are her doormat.</p><p></p><p>Estrangements are VERY common when there has been a contentious divorce, but you'll read about that on the other forums. Often one of the parents tries to alienate even grown kids agsinst the other parent and often it works. Especially if that parent has more money and yhe adult children are not the nicest people.</p><p></p><p>Good luck. I hope you get help from the estranged forums. We have great parents here, but most have no idea about estrangement from a child. Unless youve been through that kind of living death, sometimes you assume its rare or that it has to be the parents fault. Neither are true.</p><p></p><p>Be well and back off. Dont contact your daughter or torture yourself reading her Face Book. She is too old for you to be spying on her thtough her cell phone. Unless you stop snooping on her and trying to control her, as if she is a minor, she will stay estranged.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 697424, member: 1550"] Hi. I am sorry for your pain. I would have called the police too if anyone hit my minor child. your daughter is of legal age now and, as hard as it is, the best way to not antaganize her more is to stay out of her choices. Obviously your daughter needs help, but not from you. She needs professional help. But you cant make her get any. You cant change her feelings for this loser (if he still hits her) by talking trash sbout him and you can't make her leave him. You can only be there if she comes to you. If you hate on him and she lives him you will turn them into Romeo and Juliette. Don't do it anymore. Sounds like you are too much in her life. She swears? So what. Her boyfriend doesn't have a high paying job? That is not your business. She has to leave the relationship. Nothing you say can make her do that. She doesnt want your involvement. There is a new pop therapy where young adult kids are told to leave and stop contacting theit toxic parents (and toxic can mean anything). It is mean and hurtful and the adults who hurt their parents dont care if they hurt us. There are forums just for estranged parents. They probably would understand your pain more than here. Put "estranged parents of adult children" and "rejected parents of adult children" in your search engine and you will find forums. Start reading and maybe posting. In rejected parents of adult children, there is slso a good book about this. All the parents there were dumped like trash by their adult kids. Most dont even know why. But it is a mean trend in an age where family doesnt mean what it used to mean. Parents are disposible. in the meantime, maybe set boundaries and rules in your home. No 25 year old should still with you without working full time, paying rent and being clean and respectful to you. They do not respect us if we let them walk all over us. This is often a dynamic in estrangement...we allowed them to treat us poorly. Although it hurts, on the sites for estrangement, many women learn to live with estrangement and see it in a new light and learn to realize that kids who would cut out their mothers hearts often are mentally ill, especially with things such as borderline personality disorder. Google that up and see if your daughter may fit that diagnosis. Right now give her space and let her come to you. We, as parents, want to fix and change our kids if we feel they are in danger, but if thay are 18 or over, there is nothing we can do. In this day and age, where family is easily discarded, you accomplish nothing by trying to interfer. It is not rare for a significant other to be chosen over a parent. This happened to me, Im not sure what I did, but it has been over ten years now and I grieved and no longer wonder. I focus on my own life, as should you,and my other kids and husband and others who are kind to me. But I never tell my grown kids what to do. They often come to me to confide and I am there to hug them and be there for them, but they make their own choices. I did that with my estranged son too, but we adopted him at six from an orphanage in another country and he had attachment issues...I realize now that expecting him to bond like infants do was unrealistic. I still had to grieve the loss of him. You will get through thus. Look up the sites for estranged parents. You will get advice and love from those in the trenches of this. I recommend not going yo Dr. Josh Colemsns sight, but all the others are very helpful. Dr. Coleman always blames the parent and that hurts a lot of us. Read those forums top to bottom and then decide what to do next and if you feel suicidal go yo the emergency room. Nobody should have so much power over you that you take your life, not even a probably disturbed adult child. And refrain, if she does get in touch, from doing much more than listening. She loves this loser and you can't change that. Only she can decide to change it. I hope you find solace in the forums I directed you to. Remember...no more over involvement in your adult daughter's sad love life. And set some boundaries for your oldest. You dont want her to think you are her doormat. Estrangements are VERY common when there has been a contentious divorce, but you'll read about that on the other forums. Often one of the parents tries to alienate even grown kids agsinst the other parent and often it works. Especially if that parent has more money and yhe adult children are not the nicest people. Good luck. I hope you get help from the estranged forums. We have great parents here, but most have no idea about estrangement from a child. Unless youve been through that kind of living death, sometimes you assume its rare or that it has to be the parents fault. Neither are true. Be well and back off. Dont contact your daughter or torture yourself reading her Face Book. She is too old for you to be spying on her thtough her cell phone. Unless you stop snooping on her and trying to control her, as if she is a minor, she will stay estranged. [/QUOTE]
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My 20 yr old daughter wants nothing to do with me anylonger.
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