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Substance Abuse
My 20 yr.old son is giving up
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 628441" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>I know, Deborah. We all know on this board. </p><p></p><p>Those of us watching our adult children continually take drugs, seemingly oblivious to the destruction all around them, the destruction of themselves, their own lives, and affecting every other person in their life who comes in contact with them---family, friends, relatives, employers, neighbors...it will drive you out of your mind. </p><p></p><p>It is sitting and watching somebody you love self-destruct. Nobody can do that for long. </p><p></p><p>So, what we do, in the midst of our awful terrible horrible pain that never seems to end is this: we start taking action. We do anything and everything. We throw every resource we have at the situation. We beg, plead, cry, ground, argue, persuade, scream, write, talk, don't talk, prayed....should I go on? You know the list and I know the list, because we have done it all. </p><p></p><p>And then, one day, for some unknown reason, we wake up. It's like we are coming out of a long sleep. We look around and for some unknown reason, we start to really see what we are doing. We start to see the insanity of it.</p><p></p><p>That day comes, Deborah, when we are completely spent. When we are completely done. When we have exhausted everything we know, everything we have. We have done the same things, and new things, over and over again. </p><p></p><p>When we are sick and tired of being sick and tired. </p><p></p><p>Nobody has infinite emotional, physical, financial, mental and spiritual resources. We are only human. </p><p></p><p>We love them so much, and that love carries our efforts on its back for years. We think: Surely, this time. </p><p></p><p>But this time doesn't come. </p><p></p><p>What are we to do?</p><p></p><p>When I hit that place, I crawled into the door of Al-Anon for the first time about 8 years ago. For the first few meetings, I didn't talk. I just sat there and cried the entire time. I just wanted them to tell me how to make it all stop. How to make my ex-husband stop drinking. I stayed for 18 months that time, and I began to get a little recovery. A little peace. A little serenity. A little joy back in my life.</p><p></p><p>But once we separated and then divorced, I didn't think I needed that anymore. So I stopped going.</p><p></p><p>About four years ago, my son's drug addiction became clear to me. I knew right where to go, and I immediately started going back to Al-Anon and I have been going ever since. That is one tool I used daily, among other tools, like this site.</p><p></p><p>I have worked hard for change, because, Deborah, I can't live like I used to anymore. I just can't do it. I just won't do it. </p><p></p><p>I love my precious son very much, but I am not going to give up my life for him. I decided that just some time back---more recently. My change has been inch by inch, day by day, little by little because it takes work, it takes time and it takes turning it all over again and again to God. I mean really turning it over. Of course I take it back, so many times, but He allows me, patiently, to return to Him again, to turn it back over. To try it again. </p><p></p><p>That is what our children will have to do, Deborah. They will have to have a spiritual awakening. And it will be inconsistent, and it will not look like success at times and it will be hard.</p><p></p><p>If they ever do.</p><p></p><p>That is their choice. That is only their choice, and it is only up to them.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime, we must find new ways of living. We have to learn how to cope with this type of pain, and living with uncertainty, and not knowing, and fear and suffering, and despair and hopelessness. </p><p></p><p>As we work on ourselves, learning how to do this, we will start to feel better. We will start to, for lack of a better word, be able to compartmentalize our son's situation, to set it "over here" while we live our lives "over there." </p><p></p><p>It can happen. Believe me, most of my days are good today. Jail is a gift for me. When he is in jail, I know at least he is somewhere with three meals, a roof and little, if any, access to drugs. Jail is a blessing.</p><p></p><p>He continues to make choices, Deborah. Until he makes different choices, and then gets honest, and humble and gets help and is ready to do the work, nothing is likely to change.</p><p></p><p>Until then, we can help each other, console each other, talk to each other, share with each other. We can use every tool at our disposal. We have to be ready, too. Hugs to you today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 628441, member: 17542"] I know, Deborah. We all know on this board. Those of us watching our adult children continually take drugs, seemingly oblivious to the destruction all around them, the destruction of themselves, their own lives, and affecting every other person in their life who comes in contact with them---family, friends, relatives, employers, neighbors...it will drive you out of your mind. It is sitting and watching somebody you love self-destruct. Nobody can do that for long. So, what we do, in the midst of our awful terrible horrible pain that never seems to end is this: we start taking action. We do anything and everything. We throw every resource we have at the situation. We beg, plead, cry, ground, argue, persuade, scream, write, talk, don't talk, prayed....should I go on? You know the list and I know the list, because we have done it all. And then, one day, for some unknown reason, we wake up. It's like we are coming out of a long sleep. We look around and for some unknown reason, we start to really see what we are doing. We start to see the insanity of it. That day comes, Deborah, when we are completely spent. When we are completely done. When we have exhausted everything we know, everything we have. We have done the same things, and new things, over and over again. When we are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Nobody has infinite emotional, physical, financial, mental and spiritual resources. We are only human. We love them so much, and that love carries our efforts on its back for years. We think: Surely, this time. But this time doesn't come. What are we to do? When I hit that place, I crawled into the door of Al-Anon for the first time about 8 years ago. For the first few meetings, I didn't talk. I just sat there and cried the entire time. I just wanted them to tell me how to make it all stop. How to make my ex-husband stop drinking. I stayed for 18 months that time, and I began to get a little recovery. A little peace. A little serenity. A little joy back in my life. But once we separated and then divorced, I didn't think I needed that anymore. So I stopped going. About four years ago, my son's drug addiction became clear to me. I knew right where to go, and I immediately started going back to Al-Anon and I have been going ever since. That is one tool I used daily, among other tools, like this site. I have worked hard for change, because, Deborah, I can't live like I used to anymore. I just can't do it. I just won't do it. I love my precious son very much, but I am not going to give up my life for him. I decided that just some time back---more recently. My change has been inch by inch, day by day, little by little because it takes work, it takes time and it takes turning it all over again and again to God. I mean really turning it over. Of course I take it back, so many times, but He allows me, patiently, to return to Him again, to turn it back over. To try it again. That is what our children will have to do, Deborah. They will have to have a spiritual awakening. And it will be inconsistent, and it will not look like success at times and it will be hard. If they ever do. That is their choice. That is only their choice, and it is only up to them. In the meantime, we must find new ways of living. We have to learn how to cope with this type of pain, and living with uncertainty, and not knowing, and fear and suffering, and despair and hopelessness. As we work on ourselves, learning how to do this, we will start to feel better. We will start to, for lack of a better word, be able to compartmentalize our son's situation, to set it "over here" while we live our lives "over there." It can happen. Believe me, most of my days are good today. Jail is a gift for me. When he is in jail, I know at least he is somewhere with three meals, a roof and little, if any, access to drugs. Jail is a blessing. He continues to make choices, Deborah. Until he makes different choices, and then gets honest, and humble and gets help and is ready to do the work, nothing is likely to change. Until then, we can help each other, console each other, talk to each other, share with each other. We can use every tool at our disposal. We have to be ready, too. Hugs to you today. [/QUOTE]
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My 20 yr.old son is giving up
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