My 21 yrs old son smoking pot & under academic probation with fake grades

[elk]

I have 21 yr. old son. We found out he started smoking pot in his senior year in high school. I think he wasn't smoking consistently at the time. He went away to different state for college, on his 2nd semester we found out he was on academic probation but he wasn't able to bring up his GPA to get out of it. He came back home, transferred to Jr. college did ok for that first semester back with 3 B's and 2 A's. We expect him to transfer to in-state university as a junior even though he'll be about an year behind. He applied for this fall.. for 2rd and 3rd semester he showed us his all A grades. I just found out he's been on academic probation again for last 2 semesters out of 3 semesters he's been home.
Problem 1: my husband expects and pushes him so hard to go to medical school where I see he's not the kid. He went along with him all along because he doesnt have the personality to fight him back like his younger brother. Then he pulls this kind of totally out of range behavior like showing us fake grades. I have hard time talking to my husband to let them be who they want to be. You just can't expect all your kids to be doctors and lawyers. I know he means well but I have to agree he's bit out of line too.
Problem 2: I understand my son's under pressure but not all the kids who's under pressure behaves this way not thinking about the consequences when truth come out. Not only that, I gave him my benefit of doubt that he should be able to stop smoking pot on his will as he told me he's not depended on it. I think he did smoke pot once a week when it's a lot, drove around high ( fortunately never been pulled over yet), went to class after smoking pot, I believe bottom of his problem is smoking pot and he can't contain his grades.
I need to start some where to fix this issue, I know i have to tell my husband and really try to talk to him about his wrong expectations and he really need to let him be who he is, at the same time we have to take him to counselor which my husband is very opposed to do so when we first found out he was smoking pot. He doesn't believe counseling will do anything for him...
My son wants me not to tell his dad and give him a semester to make up his grade promising me he will stop smoking pot too.
But I gave him a whole year,I've been struggling with him behind my husband about him smoking pot, he took me for granted as long as his dad doesnt know, he's ok to do so I don't want to continue this anymore.
I decided I needed to talk to my husband wether he accepts his son as who he is or not, we need to get him help and start fresh.
Ironically my son wants to finish his college somehow ...
I think I know what I should do, at the same time I'm really not sure what would be the best way to deal with this whole situation.
Smoking pot is a issue too but I'm having hard time to understand how he even thought about showing us fake grades and played along like he really got all A's, even applying to transfer with his probation GPA.. I don't know how to take him at all at this point.

 

[DDD]

"I need to start somewhere to fix this issue." Lordy, Lordy...how many of us have said that line and believed that WE could "fix the issue". Welcome to our crazy, dysfunctional world, elk! Many of us have been in very similar circumstances and we honestly know what it is like NOT to be on the same page as her spouses...AND...to truly, with all our hearts, want to believe that we can solve the problems that our much loved kids have caused.

Others will be along soon who also have traveled this sad and crazy road. Tonight I am constrained by time and just want to send you a huge HUG. With my whole heart I wish that I could offer you a simple answer. There is not a simple answer. Just know that you have a caring new family to support you. Know that you are going to have to reevaluate alot of family issues. Meanwhile.......look up the Serenity Prayer. It is hugely helpful when your spirit has waned and you are full of fear for your child. DDD

 

[Nancy]

Welcome elk, I'm glad you're with us.

Is your husband a doctor? Is that why he is pushing his son to go to medical school? I know that it is difficult for some parents to accept that their child needs counseling. Is there someone that your husband respects that can speak to him, a family physician or minister or friend?

It's hard to evaluate how much the pot smoking is contributing to his poor grades. Could it be that his heart is just not in this and therefore he is not putting the effort into it? If he does have a drug problem he needs help and I'm not making light of it at all. My daughter flunked out of college after her first semester because she was smokig pot and drinking and not going to class. We had to withdraw her. She ended up going to a treatment center and living in a sober house for about 6 months.

You will have to have a heart to heart with your husband and seek our help for your son. Hopefully your husband can put his own dreams aside and do what is best for your son.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there hon. Sorry you had to join us. I have some thoughts and you can take them or leave them.

First of all, it is dang hard to even do pre-medication. I have two nieces were got straight A's in high school and wanted to go to pre-medication. Both decided it was too much and changed majors. Honestly, pre-medication is very difficult...these are brilliant girls who work very hard and are doing well in college now, but in different fields. Your husband needs to back off. You need to try to make him understand this. It is about what your son wants to do, not about what HE wants for your son. Some kids do try very hard to please their parents and feel very frustrated and angry too when they let them down. That is one thing you MAY have control of. It all depends on the personality of your husband.

Secondly, there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop your son from smoking pot. I am going to take a liberty here, risk getting bashed, and say that if your son is smoking pot only once a week, and that was the worst of it, that's not really a big deal. Sorry, folks, I don't think it is...anymore than having one beer a week is a big deal to most people. Having said that, my guess is that your son's grades plummeted because he is smoking pot MUCH MORE than one time a week and is maybe doing other drugs and some heavy drinking too. If he really is just recreationally using pot once a week, many high achievers do that...there has to be more to it. But again...that little niggle in my mind tells me that your son is more into drugs than you know. Most of us underestimate our children's drug use. So what can you do if you find out he is high 24/7 and also does other drugs and drinks?

Absolutely nothing except tell him that if he doesn't go to rehab, the money stops. No cell phone. No internet. No living at home anymore until he tries to get off the drugs. Certainly do not waste money paying for any more college until you have straightened out how much he is taking drugs. As long as he is living under your roof, you have th e right to check his room, his Facebook, and his cell phone (especially if he uses it on your dime). You set the rules at home. You must understand one thing: YOU CAN NOT FORCE HIM TO STOP! You can only control one person completely and totally and that is YOU.

If you are not in therapy or have never gone to a Nar-Anon meeting, I suggest one or both. You can learn to be good to yourself and detach from your son's poor choices. I am currently in Al-Anon as I had a codependency slip. I find it soothing and helpful and gets my mind off of my son, the one who right now is struggling. I can't fix him either any more than you can fix your son. You can't force your son to actually be engaged in counseling either. In fact, you can't force him to go at his age if he doesn't want to go. Even if he shows up for counseling to avoid a hassell with you, you can't make it work for him. ONLY HE CAN. It is 100% in his ball court. We are mothers and like to think we can fix our grown kids, but we can't.

I'm glad you came. Lots of experience and help is here. I hope you do something to help YOU since you can not do a thing to force your son to either spill the entire can of beans or stop whatever he is doing that is damaging him. But try to learn not to enable him in his poor choices. And try to talk to your spouse about his control freak issues too.

I wish you luck. Keep posting!