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My 31 year old brother won't move out
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 663792" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Nobodywins, I am so sorry for your family's situation.</p><p></p><p>It is incredible how one person can torpedo a family's peace and well-being. From what you wrote, your brother has been at home in your mother's house for many, many years. He, for whatever reason, has not "launched." </p><p></p><p>Now, your mother is changing the game. He doesn't like it, because he will have to change. He will actually have to get up every day and do something. He is going to fight back----hard. </p><p></p><p>He will throw everything in the book at you and your husband and your mother in order to keep his status quo. You didn't say---does he have any kind of diagnosis, i.,e., mental illness, or does he abuse substances, like alcohol or drugs.</p><p></p><p>In many cases, the person who behaves this way is either mentally ill or abusing alcohol and drugs.</p><p></p><p>As you are likely reading on this site, many of us have struggled with similar situations. My son, who is now 26, abused drugs. he has been homeless multiple times and has been in jail multiple times. This was unfathomable to all of us in our family. </p><p></p><p>We finally got to the point where we had to let his actions dictate his consequences. We tried 1000 times to fix him, rescue him, save him, give him yet another chance, but nothing changed. We paid for him to go to rehab, helped him get apartments, paid for college, you name it, we did it. We believed his "stories" and we gave and gave and gave. Finally, he taught us---he taught us---by his continued behavior, that he could not be trusted and he was a liar. </p><p></p><p>We finally saw that, but it took us a long long time, because we loved him that much, and we wanted to believe him.</p><p></p><p>As I see it now, we finally found the strength and courage to get completely out of his way and let him reap what he sowed. It was not pretty. In fact, it was very ugly and scary to watch, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, letting him go, but today, I believe that our working to let go has been one of the reasons he is now fighting his way back.</p><p></p><p>We rob people of their self-respect and their dignity when we listen to their words instead of responding to their actions. There is usually a huge disconnect between the words and the actions. If we will only see it. </p><p></p><p>Is your mother willing to make significant changes and set significant boundaries with her son? If she isn't, then you and your husband might as well leave and get on with your lives. If she is, she will have to go against her instincts more than she has ever done in her life.</p><p></p><p>Please keep sharing with us. We understand and we know how hard this is. Most of us have fought for years to make this kind of progress. And it doesn't come easy.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 663792, member: 17542"] Nobodywins, I am so sorry for your family's situation. It is incredible how one person can torpedo a family's peace and well-being. From what you wrote, your brother has been at home in your mother's house for many, many years. He, for whatever reason, has not "launched." Now, your mother is changing the game. He doesn't like it, because he will have to change. He will actually have to get up every day and do something. He is going to fight back----hard. He will throw everything in the book at you and your husband and your mother in order to keep his status quo. You didn't say---does he have any kind of diagnosis, i.,e., mental illness, or does he abuse substances, like alcohol or drugs. In many cases, the person who behaves this way is either mentally ill or abusing alcohol and drugs. As you are likely reading on this site, many of us have struggled with similar situations. My son, who is now 26, abused drugs. he has been homeless multiple times and has been in jail multiple times. This was unfathomable to all of us in our family. We finally got to the point where we had to let his actions dictate his consequences. We tried 1000 times to fix him, rescue him, save him, give him yet another chance, but nothing changed. We paid for him to go to rehab, helped him get apartments, paid for college, you name it, we did it. We believed his "stories" and we gave and gave and gave. Finally, he taught us---he taught us---by his continued behavior, that he could not be trusted and he was a liar. We finally saw that, but it took us a long long time, because we loved him that much, and we wanted to believe him. As I see it now, we finally found the strength and courage to get completely out of his way and let him reap what he sowed. It was not pretty. In fact, it was very ugly and scary to watch, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, letting him go, but today, I believe that our working to let go has been one of the reasons he is now fighting his way back. We rob people of their self-respect and their dignity when we listen to their words instead of responding to their actions. There is usually a huge disconnect between the words and the actions. If we will only see it. Is your mother willing to make significant changes and set significant boundaries with her son? If she isn't, then you and your husband might as well leave and get on with your lives. If she is, she will have to go against her instincts more than she has ever done in her life. Please keep sharing with us. We understand and we know how hard this is. Most of us have fought for years to make this kind of progress. And it doesn't come easy. [/QUOTE]
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My 31 year old brother won't move out
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