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My abusive adult daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 728246" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hello MII, so sorry for your need to be here, but it is a good place to be to sort through this kind of stuff. I am sorry for your troubles. Into our 70's one would think our adult children realize our time is short on this planet and we should be treated with respect and kindness. 52. Wow. There is something so wrong with someone at this age still blaming a parent for their troubles. You didn't cause it, can't change or control it. The past is the past, and whatever mistakes we make is water under the bridge. A new poster mentioned that family is family, and we don't get to just walk away. To a point, this is true, but when "family" takes one for granted, manipulates and ploys with guilt trips, I think setting boundaries is more than appropriate.</p><p>You matter.</p><p>Having children does not mean that we have to put up with disrespect and abuse.</p><p>Period.</p><p>It does not mean we continually have to "rescue" them, and put our finances in jeopardy for them. We will not be around forever to provide for them, and there comes a time when everyone needs to take on their own responsibilities and be self sufficient. I am a widow and live on a limited budget. The funds I do have saved are for my retirement. My two wayward daughters would drain me every which way, if I allowed them to. Came a time, I had to put my foot down and say "no more". I did the best I could raising them with what I had at the time. Sure, made mistakes, we are only human. These two would place blame on me and for a time, I reeled past those tapes and could find times that I wish I did better. I fell into the guilt trap for awhile, then my well children helped me to see that they were okay with their upbringing, and their siblings were trying to escape their own faults, choices and consequences by laying it all on my feet. Nope. Not going there. People grow up and make their own beds, so to speak.</p><p>I feel that some people keep ties in hopes that their adult children will care for them in the last days, when we are sick and elderly and need help. But, I don't think that will happen if an adult child sets a pattern of abuse and keeps at it.</p><p>Somewhere along the line, these types think that they are entitled, are not appreciative and look towards what they can get from their parent. Wrong attitude. If someone shows you who they are, <em>believe them</em>.</p><p>Standing up for ourselves and not allowing mistreatment is not selfish.</p><p>It is self care and self respect.</p><p>70's and working two jobs? OUCH! I don't know how you are doing this. I am sorry your daughter thinks that you should still provide funds and a car for her, and maligns you and tries to manipulate you.</p><p><em>Unacceptable.</em></p><p>Please stick to your guns and stand up for yourself.</p><p>You matter. The rest of your life, matters.</p><p>I feel that we do our adult children a favor by leading by example, and not allowing them to take advantage of us.</p><p>It is a good start for you to come here and post. Writing our experiences down and receiving replies from kind folks who understand our dilemma is refreshing and gives us strength to move forward. There is a good article on detachment linked below, that helps to sort through the whys and hows of this and suggestions on how to set healthy boundaries.</p><p><a href="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4NPcnawgD" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4NPcnawgD</a></p><p>Welcome to our little corner. I am sorry for your need to be here, but glad that you found us. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Unfortunately, it doesn't always come automatically, we have to show by our actions and reactions that we are not rugs to be tread upon.</p><p>You have value and worth beyond your role as a mother.</p><p>Take care and be kind to yourself.</p><p>When we decide to take care of ourselves and put our foot down to unacceptable behavior, our adult children tend to ramp it up.</p><p>Remember, love says NO! No, I will not allow you to take advantage of me, no I will not be manipulated, no you cannot guilt me into anything.</p><p>Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. You are not alone in your experiences with your daughter.</p><p>We understand.</p><p>Many loving hugs and encouragement to stand up for yourself.</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 728246, member: 19522"] Hello MII, so sorry for your need to be here, but it is a good place to be to sort through this kind of stuff. I am sorry for your troubles. Into our 70's one would think our adult children realize our time is short on this planet and we should be treated with respect and kindness. 52. Wow. There is something so wrong with someone at this age still blaming a parent for their troubles. You didn't cause it, can't change or control it. The past is the past, and whatever mistakes we make is water under the bridge. A new poster mentioned that family is family, and we don't get to just walk away. To a point, this is true, but when "family" takes one for granted, manipulates and ploys with guilt trips, I think setting boundaries is more than appropriate. You matter. Having children does not mean that we have to put up with disrespect and abuse. Period. It does not mean we continually have to "rescue" them, and put our finances in jeopardy for them. We will not be around forever to provide for them, and there comes a time when everyone needs to take on their own responsibilities and be self sufficient. I am a widow and live on a limited budget. The funds I do have saved are for my retirement. My two wayward daughters would drain me every which way, if I allowed them to. Came a time, I had to put my foot down and say "no more". I did the best I could raising them with what I had at the time. Sure, made mistakes, we are only human. These two would place blame on me and for a time, I reeled past those tapes and could find times that I wish I did better. I fell into the guilt trap for awhile, then my well children helped me to see that they were okay with their upbringing, and their siblings were trying to escape their own faults, choices and consequences by laying it all on my feet. Nope. Not going there. People grow up and make their own beds, so to speak. I feel that some people keep ties in hopes that their adult children will care for them in the last days, when we are sick and elderly and need help. But, I don't think that will happen if an adult child sets a pattern of abuse and keeps at it. Somewhere along the line, these types think that they are entitled, are not appreciative and look towards what they can get from their parent. Wrong attitude. If someone shows you who they are, [I]believe them[/I]. Standing up for ourselves and not allowing mistreatment is not selfish. It is self care and self respect. 70's and working two jobs? OUCH! I don't know how you are doing this. I am sorry your daughter thinks that you should still provide funds and a car for her, and maligns you and tries to manipulate you. [I]Unacceptable.[/I] Please stick to your guns and stand up for yourself. You matter. The rest of your life, matters. I feel that we do our adult children a favor by leading by example, and not allowing them to take advantage of us. It is a good start for you to come here and post. Writing our experiences down and receiving replies from kind folks who understand our dilemma is refreshing and gives us strength to move forward. There is a good article on detachment linked below, that helps to sort through the whys and hows of this and suggestions on how to set healthy boundaries. [URL='https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4NPcnawgD']http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4NPcnawgD[/URL] Welcome to our little corner. I am sorry for your need to be here, but glad that you found us. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Unfortunately, it doesn't always come automatically, we have to show by our actions and reactions that we are not rugs to be tread upon. You have value and worth beyond your role as a mother. Take care and be kind to yourself. When we decide to take care of ourselves and put our foot down to unacceptable behavior, our adult children tend to ramp it up. Remember, love says NO! No, I will not allow you to take advantage of me, no I will not be manipulated, no you cannot guilt me into anything. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. You are not alone in your experiences with your daughter. We understand. Many loving hugs and encouragement to stand up for yourself. Leafy [/QUOTE]
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