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My abusive adult daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 728249" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome MII. I'm sorry you've been struggling for so long with your adult daughter. I empathize with you, my daughter is 45 and I've had to learn different ways to respond to her as well.</p><p></p><p>First of all, in case there is still some doubt in your mind, let me be perfectly clear, <u><em>you are not responsible for your daughter. </em></u></p><p><u><em></em></u></p><p>I know for me, that was a new thought. However, like you, I was going down the rabbit hole and suffering continuously because of my daughter's choices and behaviors and my feeling responsible. I was being drained of my very life force.</p><p></p><p>You did not cause this. You cannot control it. You cannot fix it. And most importantly, the ONLY person who can change your daughter's life is her.</p><p></p><p>All you can do is respond differently by setting strong boundaries, saying no, limiting your exposure or going no contact completely and re-learning how to focus on yourself, on what your needs and desire are. </p><p></p><p>You matter. You deserve a peaceful, calm, safe life free of drama and manipulation. Free of an adult making you responsible for her choices and her lifestyle. </p><p></p><p>You may find benefit in reading the book <u>Codependent no more </u>by Melodie Beattie. You may find information and clarity by reading the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Many of us find a therapist so we can learn how to set those boundaries and let go of what we can't control...... and accept what is. </p><p></p><p>This is not easy to do, but it is doable and often necessary for our own health and well being. It sounds as if you've reached the point at which change can now happen. You are the one who will need to change as your daughter is likely heavily invested in keeping status quo......this is a pattern that you and your daughter have been in for a very long time, changing that pattern can be challenging, your daughter may react badly when she realizes the gravy train is no longer running. </p><p></p><p>Stay the course.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is a middle aged woman who blames and manipulates her senior mother. This is NOT OK. You are NOT responsible for her. </p><p></p><p>If your daughter has substance abuse issues, you may want to look into Al Anon or Families Anonymous or AA or Narc Anon, many parents here find solace in the 12 step groups. If your daughter suffers from mental issues, you can contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they can be accessed online and have chapters in many cities. They offer excellent parent groups which many of us here have taken. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there MII. Continue posting, it helps. Get yourself an excellent support system. Find a good therapist if that feels right. You can look for therapists in your area on the Psychology Today website as well as goodtherapy.org. Shift your priority onto yourself, it sounds as if your priority as been her, <em><u>now make it YOU</u></em>. Focus on your own needs. Ask yourself what you want and what you are willing to do WITHOUT RESENTMENT. Every day do nourishing things for yourself. When we've been at this a long time, we're depleted and exhausted, so fill yourself up with the joy of what you love to do. Take care of YOU now. It's time. You've done everything you can for your daughter. Now focus on YOU. </p><p></p><p>I'm glad you're here. You're not alone. We're all here with you......</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 728249, member: 13542"] Welcome MII. I'm sorry you've been struggling for so long with your adult daughter. I empathize with you, my daughter is 45 and I've had to learn different ways to respond to her as well. First of all, in case there is still some doubt in your mind, let me be perfectly clear, [U][I]you are not responsible for your daughter. [/I][/U] I know for me, that was a new thought. However, like you, I was going down the rabbit hole and suffering continuously because of my daughter's choices and behaviors and my feeling responsible. I was being drained of my very life force. [U][I][/I][/U] You did not cause this. You cannot control it. You cannot fix it. And most importantly, the ONLY person who can change your daughter's life is her. All you can do is respond differently by setting strong boundaries, saying no, limiting your exposure or going no contact completely and re-learning how to focus on yourself, on what your needs and desire are. You matter. You deserve a peaceful, calm, safe life free of drama and manipulation. Free of an adult making you responsible for her choices and her lifestyle. You may find benefit in reading the book [U]Codependent no more [/U]by Melodie Beattie. You may find information and clarity by reading the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Many of us find a therapist so we can learn how to set those boundaries and let go of what we can't control...... and accept what is. This is not easy to do, but it is doable and often necessary for our own health and well being. It sounds as if you've reached the point at which change can now happen. You are the one who will need to change as your daughter is likely heavily invested in keeping status quo......this is a pattern that you and your daughter have been in for a very long time, changing that pattern can be challenging, your daughter may react badly when she realizes the gravy train is no longer running. Stay the course. Your daughter is a middle aged woman who blames and manipulates her senior mother. This is NOT OK. You are NOT responsible for her. If your daughter has substance abuse issues, you may want to look into Al Anon or Families Anonymous or AA or Narc Anon, many parents here find solace in the 12 step groups. If your daughter suffers from mental issues, you can contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they can be accessed online and have chapters in many cities. They offer excellent parent groups which many of us here have taken. Hang in there MII. Continue posting, it helps. Get yourself an excellent support system. Find a good therapist if that feels right. You can look for therapists in your area on the Psychology Today website as well as goodtherapy.org. Shift your priority onto yourself, it sounds as if your priority as been her, [I][U]now make it YOU[/U][/I]. Focus on your own needs. Ask yourself what you want and what you are willing to do WITHOUT RESENTMENT. Every day do nourishing things for yourself. When we've been at this a long time, we're depleted and exhausted, so fill yourself up with the joy of what you love to do. Take care of YOU now. It's time. You've done everything you can for your daughter. Now focus on YOU. I'm glad you're here. You're not alone. We're all here with you...... [I][U][/U][/I] [/QUOTE]
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