Maisy, I could have written much of your post.
He has fallen apart. He is angry, especially at me for all of his earlier interventions with medications and therapists and will no longer see them. He self medicates with pot. He has fallen apart on his last 2 jobs so believes he cannot work.
This happened with my son, now 27.
Everything I had to push him to do. College, job training, getting a job. He did eventually work for 15 months or so, steadily, but abandoned the job he said because of "mood swings." He reported to me that he had made several suicide attempts and had been hospitalized when he was living temporarily with friends in a city a couple of hours from me. When he came home and would not work, or do anything constructive, I kicked him out. He was 23.
He went to a homeless shelter, then to friends of his where he stayed 2 years (a motel), applied for and got SSI for mental illness, and learned to love pot. Over the next 4 years he was homeless in 4 counties and pretty much things stayed the same.
I could not bear him close to me. He would come home for a night or a few, and I would kick him out. He was disrespectful, demanding. A slob. He would call the police on us to get us thrown in jail. Multiple times. I would throw him out. I tried to push him to drug treatment. He refused. He refused therapy. My only recourse was to throw him out over and over again.
Sometime changed. When he turned 27. On a dime. Which is when they say the male brain finally begins to mature. He has been living with us much of the time. Working on a fixer upper house we bought (because I too could not bear him near me but could not turn away completely. I decided I would help him with conditions, mainly that he be constructive work, go to school, treat us with respect.)
While he backslides it is getting better and better. Our relationship. He is changing.
He had to first, mature. Second, he had to really get what the consequences were of the way he was choosing to live. Mentally ill people the world over work, act right, live constructively, have families, relationships, follow rules. There is not one diagnosis I can think of that exempts one from living according to norms or the consequences of choosing not to. Finally, my son had to know that while I would always love him unconditionally, my contact with him required he meet conditions. I made very very clear what I would not tolerate, and when it happened I withdrew, I cut short contact and did not seek it again.
He is currently in an apartment which is very nice but he hates and we pay for due to my unwillingness to live with him anymore.
I would very much rethink this decision to subsidize his living arrangement. For what? For him to choose to live as he has been?
I was living the same way. I believed it was my obligation to take care of my son until he launched successfully. I no longer believe that now. Our sons are adult men. They need to step up. While we may volunteer to be their victims, the biggest losers are them. I began to see that I was hurting my son by allowing him to hurt me, and to hurt himself under my roof or in relationship to me.
There is an article on detachment on this website that describes the beginning steps of the road I chose to take with my son. You will find it as a link on many pages here.
my son says that we are abandoning him.
This is a manipulation and it is untrue, in my way of thinking.
If your son and my own are so limited in their capacities or choose to be, there are provisions that they be cared for by governmental agencies. My son went down that road and is still doing so. There is SSI. There are mental health and drug treatment services all free, if your son is mentally ill to the point of being unable to work, or chooses to see himself as such.
He is a man. An adult. There is no place here, in my way of thinking for a mother, or a father.
If he decides along the way to treat you with respect, that is another thing. From reading your post, it does not sound like such is the case.
The way I came to see our situation, my son's and my own, he needed to walk his own path for as long as he chose too. Alone. Because I would not and do not believe it was my role or obligation to go there with him.
Welcome. I am glad you are here, but as they say, sorry that you find yourself in this hard, hard situation. Posting helps. As much as you can, on as many threads as you have time for.
Maisy, Friday and Saturday nights are typically slow. You may get some more replies tonight but I feel certain others will check in tomorrow and for sure Monday morning. Meanwhile, I will check in with you tomorrow.