my adult son is terrorizing our family

[Blindsided]

I hadn't had any noise in two days, and today, I got a weird message from Uber, that he wants me to follow his drive. Dang, I thought I was blocked on everything, and yet he finds me.

For me, waxing and waning it is part of the dynamic. The goal is to keep the waves at a gentle lap on the shore instead of a destructive tsunami.

I feel overly anxious and hyper alert during "connection" periods.

When I stand at the edge of the vortex of emotional upheaval, I say, "Let go", I imagine myself releasing a beautiful white dove. Then I say, "Let God" and feel myself relax. I am comforted by hearing the words, "I've got this". It changes from time to time. Any form of meditation helps. I had to get a grip because MY reactions were affecting the family negatively and it did nothing to help my Difficult Child.

Our DCs are manipulative and smart, much smarter than they give credit.

I do have concerns. Where is he going that he wants you to track him? Is he dangerous? Has he been threatening? That was a weird thing to say, which might indicate exacerbation of mental instability.

 

[vicluth]

Thank you for the response. I have done the "let go", and I believe deeply in God. I also, repeat saying things to myself. Today, he wrote a message, Hi, Mom. How are you? Love you. After calling me all the worst words in the language, I know that he has used this approach, and it worked before. I again did NOT respond. He wants me to know he is working, I think... he delivers for Uber, and I use that app, as I travel for work. He has had mental issues all his life. I believe bi polar, along with drug use, and unstable life styles. Thank you for reaching out. He is super smart, and can manipulate my heart, and has for years.

 

[Deni D]

Vic ~ I can relate to the whiplash phone calls and text messages. One minute my son loves me and the next he's calling me names I could never have imagined and attempting to character assignate me, just way out there.

I know my son is very mentally unbalanced and is in denial of his mental illness. In my son's case he was diagnosed at a young age and took medication until he found drugs and drinking.

Something I've seen over the years is I get the worst of it, because I'm the mom. I think your son might not necessarily be in the bad place he portrays to you all of the time, instead only that he reaches out when he's feeling vulnerable.

I'm not exactly sure if my son plans the draw me in type of conversations he's been prone to lately just to set me up for what I call the "take down" but I have a hunch it's really confusion with trying to make sense of his world. One minute to him I'm a loving mother the next I'm the devil. I think my son is having a hard time justifying his "truth" against his actual experiences with me.

My son's "truth" is that he was abused by me all of his life and this so called truth seems to be his excuse for anything and everything he falls down on. My son is also very intelligent, but that intelligence does not include emotional intelligence. Sometimes we confuse a high IQ with a high EQ, totally different animals.

This so called "truth" has been shared by my son to any relative or close friend of mine who would stay on the phone long enough with him to listen to him. In my case I know I'm very lucky because there is not one person who knows me intimately who has fallen for it. Most will not even tell me what he has said to them because they know how badly it would affect me, which is a good thing, a very good thing.

I've also had strange sideways connections from my son where it seems he's trying to let me know what he's up to, or rather what he wants me to know. I haven't been able to figure out these things, maybe it's an attempt for them to want us to see them in a good light or to try to make us see they are trying, I just don't know.

There are things you and your family members can do to attempt to stop your son. But the thing is someone who's not operating in the same world as most of us do is not going to get it and follow what the law requires. As a civil case you could have a lawyer send him a cease and desist letter and then you could file harassment charges against him if he does not stop. And then you could take him to court for harassment. These are lengthy and expensive moves, against someone who may only end up in jail for a few days for continuing his behavior and/or eventually a short psychiatric stay at best, if you are lucky. Maybe one of your relatives would have better luck than you with filing harassment charges for him to pay attention. I won't do it myself because I want to leave things open just in case my son is ever willing to go back on medication but my "like a daughter" is planning to file harassment charges against my son if he contacts her again with another vile text message.

I love blindsided's example of "let go" and "let god", visualization is something that works very well for me. I'm going to use that in the future.

We are truly at a place where we can only do for us and pray and hope they somehow come to a place where they will do what is best for them.

 

[vicluth]

Thank you for reaching out this morning, I had very vivid dreams about my son last night, and they were awful. My body wakes weak, and I need to shake the night off. We have considered all the things you mentioned about involving the police and even I have put a FBI internet claim agains his "original " number. I struggle with wanting him well, and I know it's now my fault. He has claimed also very false things against myself and his sisters. One of my girls is ready to press legal involvement, if he doesn't stop.
Good, bad, evil, he is, and might always be. I need my peace back and to bring joy. Hope you are well today, and thank you for sharing.

 

[vicluth]

Good morning, wonderful group of new friends... I must share my anxiety with you, sorry, I wish I could bring joy.... today I set off to travel to ATL. my husband and I work there, and travel back and forth between our homes in the west.s My Son, doesn't know my travel plans, as I have stopped communicating with him. He had a couple of days of calm, and yesterday, was back at the WHOA's ME... I did read the messages, but once again did not respond. Just wanted to have some calming thoughts before I blast off, and the worry about our country also runs heavy on my heart, but I am not afraid, of the virus, more afraid of my son. Now, that must say something. Be well my new friends!

 

[Triedntrue]

I have gone through this with my son as well. He knows how to call from random numbers as well. My phone has a setting that does not put through calls from unknown numbers only from contacts. I have 2 phones 1 mine 1 my husbands he does not have my husbands number. If i want time without hearing from him i switch phones with my husband who is much more adept at declining calls. It makes him mad but oh well. I cherish that peace and knowing if the phone is ringing it can't be him. Sometimes i just need that. Welcome to the site and prayers.

 

[vicluth]

I have gone through this with my son as well. He knows how to call from random numbers as well. My phone has a setting that does not put through calls from unknown numbers only from contacts. I have 2 phones 1 mine 1 my husbands he does not have my husbands number. If i want time without hearing from him i switch phones with my husband who is much more adept at declining calls. It makes him mad but oh well. I cherish that peace and knowing if the phone is ringing it can't be him. Sometimes i just need that. Welcome to the site and prayers.

I wondered about changing my phone number. I was also thinking What would it be like not to be pestered day in and day out for help?
I have stayed strong when I felt weak, and tried not to listen or read the large amount of text messages, face time ignore, and all emails.
I am worn,worn, out, and all this during a state of crisis we are all facing. Stay well, to all my new friends.

 

[vicluth]

Group, I am feeling weak.... my heart hurts, as I know I should be compassionate, yet my head tells me to stay strong.

 

[SeekingStrength]

I've often seen forum members say they respond with something along the lines of, "I love you and know you are smart enough to figure this out."

Others will come along with better ideas.

We feel compassion for our adult Difficult Child's but throwing $$ at them may not be helpful.

Stay close.


Hugs,
SS

 

[vicluth]

Good morning, I hope everyone is doing their very best to stay well, and know you are loved, and.... well, just checking in.

 

[BusynMember1]

Thank you so much. I hope you are too. We got this

 

[vicluth]

Good morning, and I hope all that are reading my post are staying well, and alway from others. My last contact with my son was Monday, of last week. I have never gone this long without hearing from him, in any way, and negative, or positive, nothing. As you all know, although we didn't want to be daily traumatized by his threats and my his abuse to me, and my family members, as his mother I worry. Just thinking about how we will get through this many thoughts and prayers. Be safe, many prayers.

 

[Barbaro]

My son, has tried to get money from all my family, by terrorizing them with horrible e-mails, and text message. WE have as a family tired to block his calls, and threats with regards to all the things he has accused us, and accepts no blame. We continue to get calls from made up phone numbers, and harassed. How do we stop this? I am sick and very over all of this terrible behavior.

Specifically with Emails you can report him to his ISP.

 

[vicluth]

Specifically with Emails you can report him to his ISP.

HI Barabaro,

I don't know what ISP is? I have just opened mail, that he has tried to get loans in my name. About a month ago, I reached out to transunion credit to up a fraud on my credit. I am hoping this will help with accounts he is trying use in our name. He does have access to my social, and date of birth. I am so upset, to think this will ruin my credit, and he keeps harassing me. If you have suggestions I would greatly appreciate any. Thank you. Stay safe, and well.

 

[vicluth]

Well, group, that quite lasted for one week. and He is back at it. Maybe, I jinxed myself. It was so peaceful, I am thinking with all that is going on in the world, I will change my phone number. Any thoughts?

 

[BusynMember1]

Change it! Get off social media too. We both quit FB. Trust me, daily abuse will kill your kind soul. Block him for your mental health. And feel no guilt. Your kids are way into adulthood and we can not live forever. Coronavirus should show us this loud and clear. They will have to learn to function without us. It may not be in the way we hoped they would but they will learn to get essentials, even if it's not the way we thought they would do it. Our help doesn't change them into practicing social norms. We can't change that by 30 and up. They get hardwired.

However they wish to sustain, they need to learn to do it without us. If they choose to panhandle.or sell drugs or dumpster dive, we can't stop them. We get them for 18 years. That's it. After that we don't even really know what they do. These kids lie to us. Or shut us down and disappear. The ones who bring us here are not the nicest or most honest and we don't have to take their abuse.

I wish you peace and God's love. It's time to be able to rest and not live in drama.

 

[KTMom91]

You can lock down your credit with all three reporting agencies, so you'll be notified if he tries again. My mom had to do this after her home was robbed.

 

[vicluth]

Dear group, please help me. Yet again, although it hasn't gotten to the threading stage, he is back again with threats on me and my family if I don't help him with the rent. I have NOT responded to 100's of different numbers, and have a robocall block, don't turn on my ringer, and he is talking about going dark, and ugly. I need this to stop, I pray for him to stop and just leave us alone. But, alas, I've help in the past and he thinks he can continue to get this help. How can I stay strong and ignore and stop the ugliness. help me, with a way you have gotten your child to stop. I am begging, it's been awful, and we are in no situation to even help him,.. any ideas? Many thanks, and I hope all is well.

 

[Deni D]

I'm sorry this is still going on for you. If you know where he is I would suggest finding the mental health crises hot line in his area and trying to see if they will give you a contact to a mental health mobile crises unit who will go out to him from the local hospital. From what you are saying, even though he is not in your area he could be considered a danger to himself and/or others. It could very well be when they get there he is calm and in control enough to sound rational to them but a crises unit is trained to know about these things and they can help him with various solutions and try to encourage him to get help for himself. They can get him in contact with many types of physical and mental resources.

 

[Deni D]

One other thing I should have mentioned is it could be he is not really in the desperate situation he is trying to make you think he is in. There comes a point in time where we need to, for ourselves, separate ourselves from our adult children's lives. Not to abandon them, but to not abandon ourselves. To realize no matter how much they have as challenges, no matter how much they have done to mess up their lives, that unless they are willing to take control of their lives nothing will change for them. No matter what we do.